When things come to an end, it helps to make people feel better when they get awards. For this reason, I decided to come up with the Pete Phillips Online All-College Awards, which will award people based on the past four years in some of the strangest categories you may see in an awards list. If you don't see your favorite award, submit it at the bottom. This list will keep growing for about two more weeks, but after May 22, 2005, it's done. To give you a start, here's what we're looking for:

Best Website Mentor: Mike Venos
With his home on the web, Venos inspired me to make up stories about my friends and take normal events and make them extraordinary. He also lets me know what's going on with Scott. Mvenos.com will live on.

Best Social Mentor: Scott Carroll
With his grumbling and grudging attitude, Scott was a role model for the ages. Greg and I learned that you should like everyone and give them a chance, but if they suck, you can hate them. If you don't like them, you can always ridicule them from afar. And, if you like them, you must be willing to accept peer ridicule on their behalf.

Best Spiritual Mentor: BJ Heckner
What? He's a priest? And BJ always knew what was right and wrong, and he even accepted the wrong as right in cases of bastards. That damn Newbie and his damn Dashboard Confessional. Thank God they didn't release a new record since then.

Best Neighbor: Kyle Remmel
Kyle wins as Best Neighbor because he was always sharing popcorn and TV time. Also, he's diabetic, so I guess we should give him something, I mean God has taken so much from him to begin with.

Worst Neighbor: TIE-- Newbie and the Fourth Floor Gang
This was rough, but Newbie was seriously terrible to live near. He wasn't right next to me, but he may as well have been. Now the Fourth Floor Gang, which consisted of Spitter, Rat-Face, Whitey, and Mr. Rogers, were equally bad because they never had a key and always thought they could knock an inhabitant into existence so they would open the door from the inside. No, there was never anyone in there. They went on to disperse somewhat, but they were still terrible to live across from. Who knew four kids, each with a terrible habit, would come together to make a horrible plot for a sitcom?

Best RA (Resident Assistant): Rita Kaluzavich
Rita wins best RA because she left us all alone on the first floor. When you're an RA you have to facilitate a community. Sometimes when you try that it works, but sometimes it doesn't. Rita recognized that we all liked to keep to ourselves on the first floor, and she didn't force us to be friendly, and we love Rita for that.

Worst RA: Sean McLaughlin
Believe me, I cannot tell you how tight the running was for this one. I mean we've seen some terrible things along the way at King's, and I think I may have had the worst RA's on staff for at least my first and second year. When it came down to the finish line though, Sean had to win (and this is all in jest my good sir) because he loved Friends, he had no respect from residents, almost got in a physical altercation with residents, and he spent most of his time cleaning up trash on the fourth floor. I gotta say though, when I had to listen to NBC through the wall at full blast until 4:00 AM, the scales were evened when I blasted Andrew WK at 7:00 AM. Touchee.

Best Dorm: Esseff Hall
I lived in Esseff for about three weeks before I got the boot to move to Flood. Holy Cross sucked because of meatheads and smells, Luksic is structurally unnerving and a labyrinth, Flood was door after door after door and had a marvelous temperature, and Alumni was never a home of mine, but how many sinks do you need in one apartment?! Esseff had a nice hallways kitchen, wide open spaces, and a great air flow-- but, the ceilings were very low.

Best Boss: Sam Falbo
Life at King's would've been empty without Media Services and Sam Falbo. Sam was a beacon of reality in a world that would sometimes get clouded with a haze of optimism. Sam was a laugh a day and always left me grounded. No matter who gives Sam crap, he's still the number one boss.

Lamest Thing Seen: Steve Matusiewicz...
The full title of winner is Steve Matusiewicz Crying at the End of Cool Runnings. Yes, the Jamaican bobsled movie starring John Candy and Doug E. Doug. What makes it worse is that he claimed it always happened at the end.

Greatest Fair Weather Friend: Joe Baldasare
Joe is indeed the best fair weather friend of all time. If I needed help, and Joe happened to be there, he'd give it. If I was lost, and Joe happened to know the way, he'd tell me. If we were reunited, it would be like we had never parted ways. Joe is the epitome of a fair weather friend, and in an oxymoronic way, he's the Best Fair Weather Friend of all. Thanks Joe!

Best Neighbor to remain so hidden that I can't remember who lived across from Kyle his Senior Year: Ryan Whatshisname
This is a visitor-submitted category, but it's true, I don't remember Ryan's last name. He was the kid who lived across the hall in Luksic. Well... yeah, Ryan didn't come out too often (and I sure didn't blame him), but he was a nice guy when he did.

Loudest Eater: Chris Ives
This kid had some chompers. I'm only thankful that I didn't see him for the past couple of years. He would be winner in such less-flattering categories as Worst Fashion Critic, Most Likely to Call Pete Fat, Biggest Bigot, and more. Anyway, he would get a tray at the cafeteria and fill it with the most diverse food every then take ten years to eat it while seemingly hooking his jaw up to a Dolby Digital Surround Sound speaker system. It was nasty.

Most Likely to be Mistaken for a Retired Woman: Alexa Beretski
No wrinkles or grey hair on this lady, but one might mistake he for retired when you see how well-rounded she is. Not only is (or was) she a volunteer EMT, but she's an expert sculptor, painter, and probably ballroom dancer. She's flown on helicopters and probably jumped out of a flying thing at least once. In addition to all of that, she travels like a nomad. Who can hate her for livin', eh? Keep up the good work Alexa!

MORE TO COME
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