this is the opera band, very stylish, eh?

I’m here to inform you. I like to make that a minor mission of my site. Many of you know I have a fondness for music. Now, let’s combine those two concepts: I now announce the opera band, Amici Forver. What?! No, I don’t like opera, except for that one song on the Big Lebowski soundtrack, but as I sat half-asleep on the recliner in between the year-ending episode of Sunday Morning on CBS, I saw a commercial for this new phenomenon that would soon sweep the nation and cause a stir like no teenage kids could ever imagine… the opera band.

“Band” is used very loosely in this scenario. No one really plays instruments in this group, after all if they did they’d need much more than five players, they’d need an orchestra for operatic pieces. Like a boy band, this group doesn’t actually play music; they just sing and look good. Unlike a boy band, these ones actually sing. Now I can’t bring you examples of their operatic greatness, but I can assure you, like all of their supporting media says, they’ve played some of the biggest musical venues around the world, and now they’re taking their “greatness” to America. But, since I am here to inform, I want to introduce you to the newest pop-superstars, Amici Forever.

Nick Garrett is our bass baritone, I don’t know what that means, so do with that what you will. Now this guy’s a bona fide British cad (hehe I said cad, like I’m in Peter Pan). This guy was born in London and he went to college and all that jazz, this is our closest real musician, in that he helps compose some of the pieces that the band performs. According to the band’s website, Garrett’s favoUrite (damn Europeans adding U’s to everything) movie is the English Patient, favorite “artist” is Thom York, and his favorite drink is Dom Perignon. How British is that crap? Let me use this spot to say that Thom York sucks. 

Moving along, let’s hit up our blonde bombshell Jo Appleby, a Soprano born in Blackpool, England. As a child she studied dance and then she moved into singing. She was sponsored by a real opera company when she debuted at the Royal Festival Hall in London. Her favorite colors are baby blue and turquoise, while ‘Dirty Dancing’ tops the best movies. Chocolate is also her favorite food, but you couldn’t tell by looking at her, she’s as questionable thin as any of America’s top models.

David Habbin, tenor, is the closest thing we have to a real human being. From outside Bournemouth, England, Habbin used to play in rock bands before he found a new interest for opera. He went on to get higher education in singing and acting at the Mountview Drama School in London (which sounds like Mountain Dew Drama School). He also played the lead in a revival of West Side Story, which scores high points from Gregory “GKNY” Kirschner. On the human being side we have plenty of normals: his favorite color is blue, artist is David Bowie, and drink is the renowned Jack Daniels. This is one guy who should be in your minor star autograph gallery.

Supermodel number two is the unpronounceable Tsakane Valentine (Soprano). Finally we get out of Europe with this South Africain who studied music at The University of Pretoria (not Petoria). She starred as Maria in West Side Story and probably more famous things, but I skipped that. What makes Valentine so special is that she was born on… Valentine’s day! Holy crap! That’s gotta be her real last name, right? And what more can we expect from this marvel of coincidence? Her favorite movie is ‘Desperado.’ She also likes Bob Marley, who drives me crazy when people play him too much, and she enjoys drinking Baileys, which means nothing to me.

Our last singer is named Geoff, I forget his last name. He’s American-educated, so let’s call him Geoff Q. Public. Though he was born in New Zealand, Geoff studied at the Boston Conservatory before starting up his own entertainment company in London (the UK gets another one). Still, Geoff is a Pisces, like me, and he thinks Elvis rules, like Marla. Sounds good to me.

By now it has to be painfully obvious that I regret having informed you of this opera band because I have grown terribly disinterested myself and choose to go take a nap instead of talking any more about this pathetic attempt to culturize the youth of the world. So that’s it, go check the archives—there are better articles than this over there.