That could've been me.... damnit!

When I was a kid, at the ripe old age of three, my mom had some high hopes for me. The first thing she wanted me to do in life was be a trapeeze artist. My dad convinced her that you should really be born into a family like that if you want a kid to do it-- I would probably need training and stuff. She let the dream go pretty fast, thank goodness. Her next dream was for me to be a baby on a Cheerio's cereal box. After she snapped a photo of me playing with the O's, she sent it in for consideration. I was turned down, but I kept my infantile double-chin up. Her final dream for me came up when I was three, as I mentioned. It was to be a famed child actor which would bring her riches and let a shroud of controversy surround my family forever. I lost that story to the Culkin's, but in 1986 I had another formidable foe at my first audition: Fred Savage.

With a name like Savage I figured I had it in the bag. Who picks a child star with that kind of last name? C'mon... Savage. Anyway-- the movie was called Flyboy when I auditioned. It turned into the Disney Channel classic, The Boy Who Could Fly, and I, ultimately, lost that first audition. I couldn't have been happier to lose that audition that day, because I gained something much more valuable: a rival. You thought I was gonna say friend, right?

Savage continued his trip to fame. He did a kick-ass job in The Boy Who Could Fly. It turned out that he was better for the job anyway. I was only three and I could barely remember my lines. He was nine and the film called for a nine-year-old. That was just one thing he had going for him in the comparrisson. Moving along though-- Fred went on to star in a TV movie before he hit a goldmine with the Princess Bride. I was pissed at the whole situation. Not only did he get a hefty child-star paycheck, but he got screen time with Columbo! And what was I up to in my efforts? Well, at this point I had mastered the potty and started learning letters. The match was still close in my eyes.

The match was close, that is, until 1988 came up and kicked me in the ass. Vice Versa pushed Fred far ahead of me in the acting game and our rivalry of two years had come to an end. I gave up the fight because Fred had a starring role. I had no chance of hitting that kind of gold-- with Judge Reinhold, no less. The other thing that knocked me out of the running in '88 was The Wonder Years. I had no chance after he became a staple in prime time television. I had wished that I could've changed places with Fred, but I knew it was impossible-- unless Vice Versa was real, right? Ha ha, ho ho.

A couple TV movies came and went, and I thought Fred was on his way to being a mediocre sitcom star, but that's when Little Monsters busted onto the screen-- Howie Mandel and all. I cried into my pillow for three weeks after I saw that movie, and it wasn't because of the touching monster-child relationship of Mandel and Savage. It wasn't even that Fred broke his brother brother, Ben, into acting. I was crying because his performance was no where near what I could've done. Also, I hadn't started to work at all and I was six now.

Tables turned at the end of the year when another Savage classic came out. The movie was called The Wizard, and it was Fred's most amazing role to date. He was a boy on the road with two or three other kids in order to get a savant of sorts to a Video Game Tournemant that he's a shoe-in to win. The result is amazing in what turned out to be a simultanious promotional tool for the still stellar Super Mario Brothers 3. This was the first place anyone saw the racoon tail on Mario! Why couldn't I be part of something so cool? And what's more-- Fred had his first movie kiss.

Then, the unthinkable happened. A year went by, and another, and Fred had only been in one thing each. Then more years passed and Fred was no where to be seen. At his pique, he exited, like many great performers do. But at the age of eight I started to wonder if it was all so good. Fred had reached his heights at thirteen. Where could he go now? What was left? How could he live on with nothing to do? Sure, he had the money and the style, but what was he missing? Did he have a loving family and an education? Yes. And what about happiness and joy? Check! But what about a future? What about possibility? I wasn't so sure.

And then I saw Working. Once I saw Fred I immediately wrote a letter to him. I hoped he would remember who I was and want to get together for lunch or a Hollywood breakfast. Luckily, he did. I was overjoyed and I hopped a train to stardom. I planned to piggyback off of Fred's fame and become successful myself-- like his brother, Ben. My plan was thwarted though, by the red menace known as ratings. Turns out Fred accepted my offer in hopes of piggybacking off of my pending internet success. Seeing as each of us were in terrible trouble, we thought it best to hit up the ol' brother. Fred directed an episode of Boy Meets World while I did a guest spot as a coke junkie that kidnapped Topanga and offered to only trade her back to Corey for some rock. The episode never aired, but look for it on the upcoming third season DVD outtakes.

When Working got axed, Fred turned to a lot of voice acting and a few gigs directing Disney shows. It wasn't the greatest career to follow at all, but if you think about the grand scheme, he's getting paid for some really easy stuff. The silver lining for Fred is that he can still swing a starring role and he still makes a bitchin' cameo appearance. Look at him in Austin Powers: Goldmember. And you may not know it, but Fred's going to star in a new movie as an accountant who finds his fiance cheating on him, then decides he should sleep with as many women as possible until his broken heart is mended. Attaboy Fred. Sounds like Tomcats, but backwards. Anyway-- the point is that Fred and I are still in contact about four times a year.

I've been spending the past few correspondences with Fred trying to get him to contribute to the website here, but he claims that he just doesn't have the time these days. I can understand, my own website updates have been skimpy at best. But in the end, Fred and I got to be pretty good friends. I still get a Christmas card and all that. The importance is that Fred is the best kind of friend we can all have: no matter how many years go buy we can still pick up as if we were back on that first audition. So this one's for you Fred. Drop me a line good buddy.