Here's an example of a center island store (AKA "Kiosk") where Active Salespersons work. You be careful.  Photo courtesy: www.graceharborfarms.com,  where they probably aren't annoying.

It’s been a while since I worked in retail. Those of you who go back so far with me will remember that I needed ligament surgery after working at an educational toy store for quite a while. Obviously it wasn’t a friendly industry to me, but it provides a wealth of employment for people all around America and I seriously do yearn to work in the retail industry again. I loved the miniature attachment a salesperson has to a customer. If you ever need to feel needed, a retail job is great because people always ask for help. Also, you can form lasting bonds with people that you only need to see for about 20 hours a week (part time). I enjoyed my time at Learning Express (the aforementioned toy store). I made great temp-friends with Lisl, the blond from Ocean City with a sharp wit and strong voice; Patti, the Stockton College art student with love for big red dogs; Sarah, my closest peer at a year over me, who was a real high school cheerleader who dated a real high school football player; and of course, Sue, the tough-as-nails college student that felt she had a tight hold on my fears. It was quite the store to work in, but it was even more of an experience working in retail altogether.

Still, in recent shopping trips, I fear that I may have lost the ability to reenter the retail world. For one, there’s the knee issues (I can’t physically stand for that period of time because I have one less knee in my leg than you do), but that’s nothing. What’s more devastating is the new sales techniques that I know I would never be able to practice. These techniques are umbrella-ed, by me, as Active Sales. 

Active sales are most annoying at center island stores, that would be those found in the middle of malls. These stores have one thing that the Active employee desperately needs to become successful: boundaries. Without boundaries they’re free to roam amongst the crown and show off their skills at selling complete and utter crap. Let’s be honest, these island stores never really have much of worth, save the one that Amanda Alberts works at, where she personalizes ornaments for the Christmas season and such. Moving along though…

The Active Sales problem (yes, it’s a problem) is that it makes every shopper uncomfortable. At these center stores, a salesperson is free to roam the public crowds and attack unwitting shoppers who are roaming comatose, with no direction and causing no danger. It’s a serious problem that should be stopped in malls around America. There is a tolerable discomfort that goes with Active Sales, and that is when you’re hooked. When a salesperson gets their claws in you, it’s not cool, but you can take it. I was recently hooked when a salesperson started with, “Can I ask you a question?” Simple and harmless enough, eh? What can you say besides, “Yes.” Now, I’ll cheat and tell you that this particular hook ended with me receiving a buffed fingernail shined with silk, “to bring out the natural oils under your fingernail.”

So you’re out there and you’re being talked to and prodded by a stranger in the name of sales. This isn’t cool. It’s pretty stupid really. As this particular woman explained the details of nail cleaning and some bulls--t that I don’t care about I sat there thinking, “What should I buy Karen for Christmas?” Every word this woman said was like an adult in Charlie Brown cartoons. It was awfully boring and I knew ahead of time that I wouldn’t purchase any nail products. Still, she persisted. You can’t say, “No, you can’t ask me a question,” because the implications in such a statement are staggering.” You can’t say, “Stop filing my finger nail,” because anyone saying that in any situation would sound psychotic. You could say, “STOP touching me!!” and run away, but the psychotic issue comes up again. 

In the end, it’s very annoying. You’re cornered in a situation that you don’t want to be in, having a product that you don’t want pushed on you by some cliché woman with an ambiguous accent. The worst part of the Active Sales experience is the end, where a person has to finally say “No,” to the salesperson. This is the worst part because, no matter what, you get a look of sheer anger from the salesperson because you won’t buy what they’re selling. Why is this suddenly a surprise? I’ve been looking around and being disinterested for the past three minutes of my life that you stole.

In another case a person (I’d be glad to specify sex, but I seriously have no idea what they were) started to massage my head with some rinky-dink thing. As they continued they asked, “Is that nice?” to which I replied, “It’s alright, not worth buying.” Still, they continued and I got the worst look you could imagine from a he-she person. It was bad for me because I felt like a bad person. I felt like I was a bad person because someone wasted MY time. It was crap.

But I was not a bad person, and I know that. Also, it must be said that those people that get to play with toys all day at the center island stores are in fact Satan's soldiers. They taunt you into believing that they have a real job playing with toys, like a modern day equivalent to Tom Hanks in BIG. They should stop it. 

If you’re out there and you get attacked by an Active Salesperson you run like hell, ok? If you can’t run away, by all means, I want you to punch the Active Salesperson in the face, for me. I demand it. If you end up in court, feel free to print out this article for your defense. It’s my pleasure.