Decisions, decisions... I'd surely kill myself if I were the president or  a television executive.

If you know me well enough, then I’ve probably come to you before for assistance to make a decision. This is never an easy task and I apologize to anyone who has had the unfortunate pleasure in the past. I know I’m not an easy person to make decisions with; I’ve made a lot of bad choices in the past, so I never like to make them now. There’s no reason why you should have to help me, but that’s what makes so many of my friends so excellent. I realize that there is no easy way to help me, but I thank what number of you do. Now, for those of you who haven’t done this before, I hope to share with you a great experience. First comes me, to you. Here’s a hypothetical situation:

Me: I need help. Should I do this or that?
You: Well this sounds good. What would happen if you did this?
Me: Probably the same thing as if I did that.
You: So what’s the problem?
Me: I don’t know.

Here we’ll pause and step aside. To recap, I just presented to you the problem and possible solutions. Off the top of your head you may not be able to think of any better solutions yourself, but there could be. Oftentimes I’ve put so much thought into what the best solution would be that you generally don’t have to come up with many answers yourself. Still, I am the type to come up with many solutions to a problem. It’s your job to settle on one of those solutions for me. Above, you already accomplished the said task, but there stands to be more done. Let’s revisit the conversation:

You: What don’t you know?
Me: I don’t know.
You: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: Well, it’s just blah-bidy-blah-blah.
You: What does blah-bidy-blah-blah have to do with anything?
Me: Nothing, I guess. You’re right. This sounds good. I’ll do this.
You: Good.

Phase one is completed. You’ve gotten me to settle on one decision at a preliminary stage. You’ve already encountered some fluff with the blah-bidy-blahs back there, so you should be leery of possible recurrences. If this is your first time helping out, you won’t expect more, but if you’re a returning helper, then you’ll know there’s more whining to come. Currently you’ve gotten me to agree that one solution is going to be implemented. Let’s see what happens next:

You: Well, I’m glad I could help.
Me: But what if I did that? Wouldn’t I prosper in some untold way?
You: I guess you’re right, but you probably wouldn’t prosper more than if you did this.

Fault one on your side. You erred when you acknowledged that another solution is just as good as the one previously agreed on. You may be back to square one. We’ll see how thing develop further:

Me: Well if that is just as good as this, then why should I do this?
You: Because this is easier.
Me: But that will (pick one: take less time, cost less money, make more people happy)
You: Well wait—how about you just do the other?
Me: The other? Hmm, that doesn’t sound too bad.

Now, you had to go and be a hero, didn’t you? After such careful contemplation (by now I’ve hooked you into a great thought process) you’ve decided that you can come up with solutions yourself. This is a dangerous move. You’ve shown great concern by getting so deeply involved, and it’s greatly appreciated, but now we can’t finish without a final decision. This could take months.

You: Sure, then you can save time, keep everyone happy, cause the least harm, etc.
Me: Yeah, the other sounds great. How could I not have thought of the other?
You: It’s okay, we all can’t be marvels.
Me: Oh you—you’re crazy. So the other is what has to be done, we’ll save money, hurt few, and be efficient… Oh, but what about the woodland creatures?
You: What?

Here I feel obligated to say that in any event woodland creatures would be safe from me, but I couldn’t think of any other possible humorous scenario to insert here. Also, in reality, you’ll note that I included you in the decision by utilizing “we” in discussion of what will be done now. Instead of my decision, we’ll both take action. In essence, this is what I look for when I seek advice about decisions; someone to take the blame in case things go awry (how great is the word “awry” anyway?) Let’s see how this train wreck will conclude, shall we?

Me: The woodland creatures. Surely they’ll all die from the toxic chemicals that will leak into the forest if I pursue the other.
You: Oh s--t, you’re right. Well, there’s been quite a glitch thrown into the plan.
Me: Yeah, this is starting to sound better. (or “Crap, your suggestion was so awful that my original ideas are starting to look great. You wanted to kill woodland creatures and I wanted to save a few minutes.”)
You: Yeah, maybe you should stick with this. It would take a bit longer, and you seem to like the woodland rodents.
Me: Don’t be such a bastard, they’re animals just like you and me.
You: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

You succeeded. Way to be. At the beginning of writing this fake dialogue, I didn’t know if you were gonna be able to swing such a victory. What you did was make me the hero in the end. That’s a great route to take. You also managed to get out before the hideous frustration set in. That’s an even better idea if you can. People always get fed up after about an hour of tossing things back and forth with me. This is understandable, but I’m just looking for help, then again, I am a pain in the ass, right? More notable, when I seek ideas for papers and stuff, I have even more bad times with the friends and assistants because that usually consists of me saying the assignment, you offering a dozen ideas, me shooting them all down, then getting and idea from the culmination of the shattered pieces I made out of your ideas. It’s helpful. And I’m ever lucky enough to find someone to put up with the technique, I won’t let them go. Kyle’s not too shabby at it. Thanks.