Does someone really have to say that this looks bad? Yes

I start this article as I do all of my fashion articles: Though I don’t claim to be an expert in fashion, I do have my doctorate in making fun of things, which does make me Dr. Phillips. 

Welcome to Southern New Jersey, home of where people have the illusion that they’re on the cutting edge of fashion more than anyone in Wilkes-Barre, PA. I made my way to the mall on several occasions already and I had the pleasure of noticing a couple fashion trends worthy of ridicule. First of all, we have the off-the-shoulder shirts, made popular by such up and coming bands like the Bangles and Blondie—no, wait… made popular by Karen-O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and other contemporary trendsetters that are catching on to the late-1970’s, early-1980’s underground hipster punky look. Now, we have the off-the shoulder shirt. This is a bit of an unusual trend, it’s borderline absurd. 

The off-the shoulder shirt takes me all the way back to middle and high school, where girls were mandated by a dress code to wear something to cover the shoulder at all times. This was a baffling rule then, although hindsight gives me the ability to say that middle-school kids should keep covered up so they don’t look like pre-skanks, but that even begs my more prevalent question: Is there some sort of uncontrollable sexual attraction that women exhibit through their shoulders that I am unaware of? I understand that when it’s hot people like to take it easy, show more skin to tan and be cooler, but it’s winter, and I’m not talking tank tops here. 

The off the shoulder shirt, only out done by the worse, off both shoulders shirt, is awful. The problem presented by such shirts is the presence of a bra. The straps from the bra either show prominently from the shoulder anyway, or they are shoved down the side of the arm into the shirt. You don’t fool me though. But it’s okay, because those South Jersey high school-ers who are too cheap to buy a strapless bra avert any problems by going totally bra-less. Allow me to take the side of the immortal television character Elaine Benes on the bra-less situation—it doesn’t work, and it’s usually very unattractive in public. Though it can garner several hundred looks from men, the bra-less look it indeed a poor exhibit of self-respect.

But the shirts look ridiculous. The sexual attraction of the shoulder, mixed with the erotic effects of the collarbone, is surely not to be misused in the public domain. I think there are far and few people past 1987 that the off-the-shoulder shirt look good on. There’s really no reason why this trend should be brought back. I mean the fact that something looked awful twenty years ago doesn’t mean it’s permissible now. Retro only works when the original trend worked. When MC Hammer pants come back in style I’ll be first in line, because those damn pants worked, but off-the-shoulder shirts are, and will remain to be, worthless. 

It's just a cry for help...

Of course, as with all of my fashion ridicules, there are exceptions to every rule. While I don’t know one off the top of my head (though I think Ann Margaret, of all people, pulled off the off-the-shoulder gig in Grumpier Old Men), there is an exception to our second fashion faux pas to be discussed. As submitted by website viewer Abby Meyers, something must be said about the rough and tough guys that feel obligated to wear shorts in temperatures that go under a certain temperature of about 60° or so.

To start off with that exception, former roommate and current hip-hop producer Gregory “Snoop Gregg” Kirschner wears shorts in certain cold temperatures simply because he has no nervous system. It’s not that he wants to feel the cold, he just doesn’t feel the cold. Kirschner also compensates for the cold on his trip to work when he reaches his destination to work hard on construction and building, thus heating up. This circle goes round and round until there is no cold felt any longer. As far as everybody else; get real.

Why would you want to expose yourself to the elements? Usually the guys doing this are pretty big guys that have padding of flesh to keep themselves warm despite the cold. This half-assed demonstration of fake-tolerance of the cold makes for a lame set of principles. 1) I can withstand the cold, which makes that Superman shirt, sticker, necklace, or tattoo more truthful. 2) Just like no actor in no movie, I am proving my toughness by showing the world that cold can’t hold back the strength within me. 3) The cold, represented in my childhood by Jack Frost, will not defeat me. It cannot hold back the confidence, power, and happiness in my heart, and darn it, I’m pretty.

Armed with those virtues, these men go out and achieve the daunting task of getting funny looks from men and women that have rationale and logic, which is just what these men want in the first place. While we may never know exactly what the cry for help associated with the glorification of thick hairy legs in the winter months may be, psychologists at my camp are working ‘round the clock to give you an answer. As always, I am not one to give you the answers, I only help you ask the questions. Keep warm this winter season—cover your legs and your shoulders.