back in the day, when even the dog got screen time

Dear WB Network,

I'm writing to you today because of one of your programs. It's been on TV for years, but I'm just getting around to complaining. This is because I have the day off work and I've recently discovered that if you have free time, complaining about media is really an effective, time-efficient, and helpful thing to do. It's not laziness or lack of importance that led me to delay this letter. It's more like I didn't know the program was there.

I would like to address the most shameful program you have in your lineup: 7th Heaven. This program chronicles the lives of a family of do-gooders that, despite their moral misjudgements, things always work out for. I think this sends the message that families and people like this exist. This is a bad prescident to set. It's like Andy Richter Controls the Universe on FOX. They had to cancel that because it let people believe that people as truely awesome as him existed.

7th Heaven isn't like the Brady Bunch. The kids don't make small problems that have small solutions. These kids have big problems that have small solutions. I remember one episode where the oldest kid dated a blind woman. That wasn't a problem, so I forget what the point of that episode was.

There was one-- I remember this one-- where the younger son made out with his girlfriend and left a giant hickey on her neck. She totally got in trouble, and so did he. He claimed that bruising was his way of letting her know how much he loved her. This is a widespread belief, that really doesn't need advertising at all. So he goes over and apologizes to the family and they're like, "It's cool. Don't let it happen again." And everything worked out for the kid.

For example, this doesn't happen. The girlfriend's dad, in real life, would be a protective one and he would never let his daughter associate with this vermin ever again. He's exert his power as the daughter's legal guardian and keep her from this kid who didn't really mean to screw up in the first place. The father would never see the kid personally and forgive him. That's ridiculous.

And, if you'll allow me to say, the family doesn't have any ugly people in it. Sure, Lucy's not always a walk in the park, but every family has one ugly person, or more. The Camden's (I'm ashamed to know that) need an ugly family member. I thought they would have made up when the twins came by a few years ago, but they grew up into blonde kids with blue eyes. I'm guessing on the blue eyes, I'll admit, but I'm pretty sure.

Basically, I'm saying that I'd like to see 7th Heaven taken off the air. Please cut the syndication too. I just can't agree with the idealistic material they put out to the public. I came from a single-parent home. I have no respect, no morals, no sense of right or wrong, and my hygene is intollerable. That's the real world, WB Network. I think it's much more relatable too. Sure, we love to see people that have sparkling futures crumble and learn their lesson, like the Camden kids often do, but real people fail all the time, and it's up to us to keep our heads up and move ahead with vigor. That's why I'm fighting this fight.

Despite the fact that the show is ending this season-- it very well may have already-- I still ask you to yank it from the airwaves. Please forward a copy of this letter to the ABC or FOX Family Channel too, because they syndicate the show, and you have more money to spare for stamps.

Yours Truly,

Pete Phillips