I hate you machine.... hate hate hate...

Dear Satan,

I'm writing to you tonight to ask you to do me a favor. I'm not in a soul-giving mood, but I think that between all the lies I told in my childhood and the couple of times I missed church, I figure you owe me something. This is a pretty simple favor really, I don't want to over request anything here. The way I see it, the company Mac Gray Corp. and all of their master-minded employees already have a place in hell with you, but my request is just that they have a worse place than they will have. I really want them to suffer. If you need me to, I'll come down and inflict some torture on them myself--at this point in time nothing would give me more pleasure. 

See Satan, I just lost $5 to this company--that's on top of the $20 I lost last year! No you know I'm not made of money here, and recent times have really found me on the outs in the financial department. Regardless of my current condition, this company stole $5 from me just this evening. I can't tell you how much I'm irked by this latest violation.

Oh what am I thinking, you may not know what I'm talking about at all. If you don't, you'll surely want to look into using this system down there: When you have to wash your clothes you have to buy a card for $5. When you return the card you can have $5 (apparently) and then you go to a machine (seen to the right). At this machine you inject your card, then money. Money goes onto your card, then you use the card to do the laundry. Oh Satan, you rascal, I can hear you now, "What's so devious about that?" I'm glad you asked.

First off Beelzebub, baby, people can only put big bills on the card. For a short time the company allowed one-dollar bills to be put on the card, but they must have seen a decline in profit, so they evil-ly moved back to the $5 bill being the smallest bill you can put on the card. You can also put a $10, or $20 on the card too, but not the new $20's, because they're new and far too accessible right now. Now understand, the cost of a wash is $1.00, and a dry is $0.75, so no one's mathematical mind can figure out the amount of washes and dries it takes to get your card back to zero. This trick is as old as your 10 hot dogs, 8 buns mathematical quandary of the ages.

In addition, the company manufactures some miserably piss-poor cards. The cards break, that puts your customer out of $5--great for you, eh? I thought you'd like that. There is a silver strip that the machine reads that broke on my card, and another card split right down the middle after too much use. You'll love that. You'd love watching someone who just washed a huge load of clothes scream at a dryer for not accepting their laundry card-- it's hilarity for all (except the person in question).

The kicker for you, a fan of small print, is the back of the card that reads "Not responsible for lost or damaged cards." Which should read, "Not responsible for inevitably lost or damaged cards, but what do you care? You have no other option, your institution has left you with the most absurd choice ever, and you fell for it lameface! Ha ha!" 

In closing I don't want you to forget why I wrote to you, this isn't totally a sales pitch, I'm more interested in a favor from you. That being the reservation for any people in the Research and Development Department at Mac Gray Corporations. Also, I'd like to put in a good word for Rachel Agzigian, who provided me with her split laundry card that worked and dried my whites. And by good word, I mean let her slide on a few things.

Thanks a lot Redman,

PS-- I think you have a heat leak, my room's boiling.