they always put the one who's in it for five minutes in the middle

One of the primary ways to determine a bad movie is through title. Case in point, this. To give you some recent backstory, I watched Part 4 of the series a few nights ago and it looked like a foreign student film. They have Peter Coyote in it, but they make him lurk-- quite literally-- like the guy who ties the woman to the railroad tracks in old black and white movies. It's a shame, because he's actually a good actor. Aaand he returns for Part 5-- Rave from the Grave. YES!

Peter Coyote is a mad scientist in these movies. A far cry from the government bad guy in The 4400 or the mysterious director in The Inside. He's a despicable guy in these two movies. He sells the goo that makes zombies-- Triaxum 5 or something. Oh-- everyone else in these movies are terrible actors. In the last one, he brought a bunch of people back to life for no reason. It was lame. They had a ton of zombies and stuff in a unit called Necropolis. That's old news now. Coyote's getting out of the zombie business by selling off his last barrel of Triaxum 5 to Russians that look like they're Spanish. Anyway, they get attacked by the sample zombies (the ones he had to prove the stuff worked on), and that was that. In this series, zombies crave brains. They go, "Uuuugh... brains..." but they only seem to eat a small bit of brains. They take a chomp out of the back of your head, then that's it. So I doubt the validity of this brain craving.

Julian is our hero, but he doesn't get top billing, so let's hope our favorite from the first, Becky. She was the really hot girl who had glasses and pigtails and was immediately considered the nerd of the group. Well she should have a bigger role later. Then there's the rave at the one guy's house. Anyone who's ever been to a rave (and Andrew Straub is my only measure here) would be pissed to see this considered a rave. It's a damn pool party for shit's sake.

There are two Russian (for sure now) agents seeking out the Triaxum. They need to bring it back to Mother Russia in order to be the pride of the country. Julian's so stupid that he can't figure out what is in the barrel, so he gives it to Cody, the black guy from the first one-- who lived! He's the class chemist. Heh-- so they dressed a few kids up with colorful clothes. They're the ravers. One is an actor named Cain. That's it. Like Cher. Pathetic. Thank God he's so interested in drugs that he eats the stuff. This movie is so lame-- I love it. Now the guy's trippin' out because apparently zombie juice has the same chemical components as ecstasy. Right. Well he should turn into a zombie eventually. For the record, in Return of the Living Dead, zombies can run, punch, and fight.

Julian, the responsible nephew of Coyote, wants to turn this stuff over to the cops, but Cody, the token black guy, wants to turn it into street drugs. Yay capitalism! Julian sees people around campus all drugged out on zombie juice and goes to take out Cody. Everyone has random accents in these crappy movies. Apparently security doesn't check the chem lab or they would've found Cody's drug lab. The next afternoon he's still cookin' up stuff. Seems that when people take more than one, they turn into zombies faster-- so drug addicts always want a faster high-- boom, spread the zombie love.

Julian's not dead yet. Ugh! His girlfriend is a genetics student. She's testing the stuff a little more, after they stopped the drug lab. She's testing it on lab mice. Okay, there's a joke that I thought was funny, but I don't think it was intentional. This one chick is all zombied out and she says "Brains" and then goes down on some guy in a car-- only to bite his wang off. I thought it was funny enough because people rarely employ the "brain" innuendo. The agents (remember them) found Julian. They're going to follow him, but his girlfriend has the canister anyway. Julian and his friends are setting up for the big Halloween rave party. Laaame.

His girlfriend goes to check on the lab mice and one bites the other lab guy. Oh-- and the dealer broke the only rule-- he took his own shit. He trips out and sees a naked devil or something. It was weird. So two zombies come by AW-- one's Becky. Apparently between 4 and 5 she turned into somedumbskank. Too bad. She's a zombie now. Guess what? The guy who directed this? Check out his solid gold resume: They Nest (with Dean Stockwell), and Eight Legged Freaks. He's got somethin'... and they call it talent, kids.

More people turn into zombies-- but get this. Apparently inside the canister was a body, soaked in zombie juice. I guess it's a super-zombie? I tell you what-- the problem is that these zombies never feast on brains. They take a bite and leave the rest for waste. It's really just wrong. Starving zombies in Africa everybody. One thing that sucks in horror movies is when they introduce characters for 10 seconds, then kill them. There's no sense in killing people if the viewer has no attachment. That's just mindless killing. You need purpose, emotion, feeling when you see someone get eaten up.

Things are out of hand now. Apparently a zombie, chasing the unnamed sports coach, decided that eating their ass was the same as eating brains. What is that?! Poor comedy, that's what. Dum de dum... the agents and Julian's gang are on the same team now. Cody admits he cooked the stuff into drugs, then they're mad at him. This DJ guy, Cain, he ought to be dead by now. He speaks in rhymes. I hate him. This is the lamest rave of all time too. Not only is the music too lame, but the dancing's ridiculous. Agents go to the rave and crash the place. They should just blow the whole thing up. Sounds reasonable to me. I've never been to a rave. Do people just pop pills like this? That seems very cheap.

This is so bad. The one line was "You guys stick out like NARCs at a Sunday school picnic." What would NARCs be doing at a Sunday school picnic?! Ugh! Hollywood-- hire me. Look, I haven't emotionally attached any of these characters to you, so I'm skipping specifics, but basically, people get eaten and the rave gets a little crazy. After the first 35 minutes, this movie drags like a chain smoker (oh that was a pun-packed one). Cody, the black guy, is so getting eaten. People are turning into zombies and chowing down in the middle of the rave and no one seems to give a damn. It's that hypnotic techno, ya know? They're all enTRANCEd-- heh!

Julian's girlfriend's gonna get eaten by her own brother too-- unless she shoots him in the face. I think she will. Nope-- he just jumped out a window. The zombies can fight, remember? These aren't like every other zombie that just roams around and drags itself about. These suckers block punches and swing back. It's very un-zombie, but I think tradition isn't in mind for these writers. There's zombie nudity. That's bogus. According to this film, human muscles stretch like mozzarella. Army comes in and shoots the whole party. It's stupid. Remember the zombie that climbed out of the barrel? I told you about that. He's roaming the street in the end, so a zombie's still out there. Thank goodness.