...well... it could.

It's been some time since I brought you direct news about one of the most news-producing areas at King's College: Luksic Hall. Now while some may consider my simply mentioning Luksic pure taboo, some people can actually read an entire piece and not get hung up on one line. That aside, I hope you enjoy this nice, fresh angle of another Luksie suckfest.

7:15 AM- Shump's alarm goes off
This daily occurrence will happen 7 days a week. On occasion, Shump will be too drunk to cognitively recognize that his alarm is going off, so he won't turn it off. In some instances, I'm convinced that he's not even there. If you're a proactive Luksie, then you may be as bold as I am and walk into Shump's room to turn off the alarm. This could be potentially dangerous if you think about this giant guy waking up in panic and disarray, but after an hour and a half, someone needs to take action.

8:00 AM- Get ready to wake up again
As you get ready for the day ahead of you, you will first want to go to the bathroom. When you walk into the stall you will inevitably see one stall filled with a type of urine that hasn't been flushed. If you're passive, you might just flush it, but I'm not-- I go to use the other stall which generally doesn't get used at all. Oh yeah-- you're gonna want to hold your breath while you're in the bathroom as there is still no drainage nor proper ventilation. Mustiness will rightfully smack you in the face when you walk in, and if you're lucky, that's the only smell you'll get. Shhesh.

9:00 AM- Go to class
Your first sweet release from the grips of Luksic will be class time. While many people hate going to class, it is actually a process that you'll enjoy in Luksic Hall because it gets you out in the real world. This is the only way you can convince the monstrous demon by the door let you out. Some people don't see the demon, but I do...

10:00 AM- Return from class
Check in with the door demon if you see him. When you get back to your room, if it's Monday, you may hear people cleaning the hallways and bathroom. There's a fine chance that you won't hear them too, as cleaning Luksic has severely decreased with the departure of Sue. I miss Sue. The lack of cleaning also contributes to that musty smell in the bathroom.

10:30 AM- Nothing on TV
Once you realize that TV sucks, you may want to wander around Luksic. You can head to the basement to check your mail! You won't have any though. No one does here. In addition to the college not caring about the building, apparently our friends and family also don't care for us. However, Blue Cross of Northeastern PA always remembers me. Thanks for the junk mail guys.

11:00 AM- More Basement
While in the basement you may remember that you have wash to do. If you have mental powers you could telepathically bring them downstairs. Otherwise, get walking. Once you gather your stuff, get out that shitty laundry card and keep your fingers crossed that the inferior, dare I say horribly scamming, products of Mac Gray are always on their last leg. Every trip to the washing machine is a tension-mounting trip of wonder if you will make it or not. If you've had my luck lately, there will be a bastard downstairs who's using ALL washing machines at once instead of having respect for the other people who live here that need to do wash. On top of that, this guy will also be a jerk and snicker at the fact that you want to wash your clothes, but he beat you to it. His blond girlfriend will also mockingly toss him underwear to the dryers in a playful game of ha-ha-this schmuck can't do his wash, let's be playful, mocking, and SLOW so we can piss him off enough to want to see us stuffed in a dryer. OR, no one will be there and it'll be a piece of cake!

11:45 AM- You've been thinking...
Realize that although that bastard prevented you from doing your wash, you will win out in the end because he and his giggly squeeze will have half of their loads of wash wrinkled because they don't realize that a wash takes 25 minutes, but a dry takes 60-- so their wet clothes will sit for 35 minutes getting wrinkled. Good-- uppity punks.

Noon- Lunch time
When you get hungry you should go for lunch. It's another acceptable excuse to get out, so enjoy it. After an hour your anklet will sound off and you'll know that you should return to Luksic before the electronic shocks start running through your body every five minutes.

2:00 PM- Cleaning time?
Assuming you have no more classes, you can get busy. How about cleaning the old room of yours? First, go get the vacuum. It's located in the basement... riight? NO! Gotcha. That's where it's supposed to be. Now walk up to the first floor. Walk up and down the hall looking for the vacuum, but you won't find it. Now move up to the second floor. As you walk, ask any kids with open doors if they've seen the vacuum. They will probably tell you that they haven't while also making you feel like an outcast. Next, the third floor. There's the vacuum, all the way down the hall. Once you get it, you can return to your room and vacuum it.

3:00 PM- Nap time?
Well that cleaning was exhausting. You might want a nap. Pull back the sheets and climb into bed. Close your eyes and get to sleep. Once you're almost 100% asleep you'll start to hear thumping. You can do one of two things: go around the hall trying to see where the thumping is coming from-- this detective stance will offer some excitement, OR you can accept that it's someone practicing the drums AGAIN. Woo-hoo! Thank God for drums. The Residence Life rules say no amplified instruments, and lucky for you, the drums aren't amplified-- just loud as all hell.

4:00 PM- Maury's on
You could watch that if you want. If you wanted to look at something else, you could hop online. It should take you a few hours to get to whatever you want since the school internet is so slow. You'll get bored and take a seat by the window to watch more Maury, I know it. Eventually you'll realize that you're soaking wet because you've been bombarded with heat waves from the 1950's heaters. You may also smell some burning as your tissue-paper-esque curtains rest on said heater. You'll open the window to combat the heat only to be mesmerized by watching the heat escape directly out your window like a dryer exhaust pipe. This is the equivalent to watching your tuition go out the window too, but you'll be too paralyzed to stop it.

5:00 PM- Demon check-in
Dinner time leads you to another encounter with the demon by the door. As you come back from dinner you'll see that bastard from the laundry scene earlier in the day. You'll want to rise above his cruelty and be nice to him since he's holding the door for you while you come up the stairs, but as you see his girlfriend come out and he lets the door go on you after you reach out to grab it, you'll hate him with every fiber of your being. You'll want to throw all your food at him and call him names, but since Luksic has defeated any spirit you have by way of the door demon, you don't.

6:00 PM- Homework time
It's about time you do something constructive, and homework is as good as anything. You'll sit down at your desk and whip out the books, only to discover that it's apparently an impromptu yell at the video games dance party. Screams of "YEEEEEEAAAAHHH!" and "$&#* YOU @*#$ER!" or "NOOOOO!" and "RUN RUN RUN RUN!" will fill your ears, despite the fact that your door is closed. You'll be confused when you find out that the kid across the hall from you is playing video games and not actually involved in a real sporting event or fight. The fact that he can control the action he's cheering for will put you in yet another paralyzing state of awe.

7:00 PM- Seinfeld?
Why not! You'll have to turn Seinfeld up pretty high to combat the yelling and potent mixture of music ranging from late-80's pop, country pop nausea, early 90's rock, and a small dash of pop-hip-hop. This makes you smile inside as it is a perfect example of the diversity that is King's College. Of course this is a grudging smile, since you really don't want to have your TV up so loud because ironically you don't want to bother your neighbors.

8:00 PM- Climb out the window
You can beat the door demon and climb out the window to visit someone if you'd like.

9:00 PM- Eventually you'll have to go to the bathroom again
I would suggest the basement bathroom-- it's cleaner (or it used to be). There will be paper towels on the roll, but you won't be able to get them because the assface who used the bathroom before you pulled across to get his paper towel, not down, which would have conveniently produced another paper towel for you to use. Then again, this is college and maybe as feeble undergrads, the mechanics of paper towel dispensers can't be grasped. I must be ahead of my class.

10:00 PM- Shower
God-willing you didn't spend all that time in the bathroom, but you will probably want to shower up so you can be calm and relaxed for the Daily Show, or news, or whatever you watch on TV. You'll get to the musty bathroom just in time to find that someone else beat you to the shower. You'll wait patiently in your undies to get in the shower next. Once in the shower you'll realized that you lucked out because the water's already warm. Nice. Of course you also had to walk through a small channel of water, funk, and bacteria that lives outside the shower-- and I use 'lives' literally. Once you finish your shower you can dry off and mellow out.

11:00 PM- TV
Watch some and kick back.

Midnight- Sleep
WOW. You have class tomorrow. You'd better get to bed buddy. Make sure you close the window as the heat will conspicuously fail you at night. And beware that if the guy who controls the heat is out for the night, then the heat won't be turned on, so bundle up.

2:30 AM- ALARMING WAKE-UP
Well it sounds like some people have returned from drinking. You feel sad because you can hear. This is a common occurrence though, and you'll chalk up one more reminder to purchase earplugs ASAP. You may also long for last year.

3:00 AM- Still up
You'd think you would've gone to bed after being awakened, but that's because you'd think that kid across the hall wouldn't be playing video games anymore. Wrong! Ha. You'll wonder who gets paid for what in this dump, but--amidst yells and cries at the game-- you'll think of Derek, who is a Physician Assistant Major and who needs sleep 100 times more than you do. You'll also marvel at the lack of concern for community. Eventually you'll stick a pen in your ear and call it a night.

....

....


4:30 AM- Fire Alarm!
Ha! Thought you were done, huh? NOPE! You'll have a fire drill that will piss you off for two reasons: 1) You know that the fire alarms don't work, so you're confused as to how they could've gone off in the first place. 2) It's 4:30 AM!!!! The alarm will ultimately pay off when you see the building authority figure sneak his fiance out the side fire door in violation of the visitation policy. This will provide laughs for months, but your neighbor will also have a girl over and when you come in he will humorously justify that they were watching a movie in the basement (at 4:30 AM--ha!)

5:30 AM- Allowed back inside
You'll be upset for standing in the cold for so long, but in the end your alarm has reminded you of one thing: You wouldn't want to be any where else. In a building full of passive psychos and academic ignorants, you are an outside observer that could fit into any category on any day. It's a place where you can use that "man from Mars" point of view to sit and laugh your ass off at the people around you. You lay your head back on your pillow-- between hearing shouts of "I'm not going back to bed!" "Let's play Madden!"-- and a smile will stretch across your face.

--THE END.--