Greg and I split this purchase at walmart. $3.75 a piece. Who'll keep it in the end? Stay tuned...

The irony in this Bad Movie Review is that as I watch the subject intently, I am also downloading a film that I can't find it any stores: Cheerleader Autopsy, which follows the vein of Jeepers Creepers 2 (bus breaks down, kids get killed). Alas, that review is for another day. For now, we'll stick with this snowy, extreme sports murder fest and hope for a true winner...

Shredder is the meat on today's plate-- a story about kids who go snowboarding and end up getting more dead than air. What do you want from me? Lousy premise means lousy puns. Our movie opens with some pretty fair production quality. The scenes are pretty and snowy, b-roll's looking nice, and then we get all extreme sportsy. Still, the production value is at an all time high-- much higher than I anticipated from the title. Anyway, we see a ski chase, which is unique in its own right. One masked skier seems like he'll be the bad guy, and you know that for sure when you see him slice a kid to pieces with a trip wire he had laid out just in case he was chasing some kid down the mountain and then managed to get ahead of him.

From what I can gather from only the first five minutes, it's that the killer is killing people because they don't follow the rules of the mountain. Maybe he's a patrolman or something. To cater to genre fans we have a shower scene right after the first kill with some really hot stomach and knee shots--there must've been a nudity clause in her contract. So we have a couple going away for the weekend, interrupted by a group of four snowboarders! We got the stupid guy who's videotaping for prosperity I suppose, the slutty chick, the supposed-lesbian, the hipster snowboarder, and the traditional normal guy coupled with the rich ho' bag who's using the normal guy.

There's some rampant sex joking starting early as our group picks up a new European guy who just happened to be at a random truck stop when the slutty girl decided to prance around in her bra and a skirt-- in the SNOW! There's a few funny punk songs for the soundtrack, which is a nice touch while our group snowboards. Our new Euro buddy is the prime suspect right off the bat as his gloves seem to match that of the killer. We quickly learn that he can't be because the killer's still out there while our normal guy tries to break into the resort. Backstory is that the lodge is abandoned but the rich ho's dad may fix it up if she likes it or some crap.

The modern jokes really will date this flick very quickly. From mention of Firestone tires to Friends-pitched jokes, like "You're so not..." OOh- the locals at the local drinking hole say that the place is haunted. The movie takes an unexpected twist when a drinking game starts... okay, it wasn't so unexpected, but what're you gonna do, eh? One of the dares they come up with is for the rich ho to take off her underwear while she leaves her pants on or something? Who knows what's going on? All I'm betting is that the girl with the boobs is the one who's not getting naked. It seems that there's a killer on the mountain-- whoa! Anyway, our group finds out now, like we already knew, and then we find out that they aren't allowed to even be there! She BS-ed them all the way to town.

Say what you will about the generic premise, it does have a couple funny points. We just found out the lesbian isn't a lesbian too, so no girl on girl action you pervs. It's funny how the constant snow is expected throughout the picture. We only see snow fall in b-roll, but all the scenes outside have no falling snow--strangely enough though, snow is accumulating. When the rich ho goes out to sleep with the European, he's missing. Is he dead, or is he the masked skier who's loosening the screws on a snowboard? The sheriff goes to find out, but gets a screwdriver to the head.

The European ends up sleeping with the slutty girl who's not the hottest tamale, but nude is nude as far as the minutes go. I guess you need that for a teen movie. For an abandoned ski resort, it's funny that the heat and electricity is perfectly in tact. One of the guys humorously said, "We're gonna shred 'til we're dead" in regards to their plans for the day. We've seen the killer already, so a death should be coming up soon. We also have our superstar skier out on his own, investigating the grounds-- high of course, like all snowboarders are. He gets attacked with an ax, but ultimately killed with an icicle.

Oh no-- the slutty chick may die soon, then who'll be nude? After the killer climbs on board to scare us he secretly ties her scarf to the chair lift, then she falls off. This wasn't an impressive kill, but necessary. We're introduced to a local who's apparently horned up enough to get it on on the chairlift, which is apparently a popular attraction for the film. Our normal guy immediately suspects the European guy, which means he can't be the killer because that would be too obvious. For a rich ho' bag, she should really get naked, but she doesn't-- terrible. We find out, as she tries to bang the European guy, that he's not European, but Californian. He is friends with the people who own the lodge and he needed to get in for a mysterious reason. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. I've never felt like calling a character a skank more than when she tried to make out with the guy in a hot tub while he admits that he may have helped kill a little girl who died on the mountain years ago. He did help kill the girl, but it was an accident and he wants to know why his friends disappeared (...because they also contributed to the accidental death).

I leave for a piece of cake and now the rich ho's banging the european californian, the dumb guy and lesbian encountered the killer (and they found that he preserved the dead little girl who died years ago on the slopes). Now the killer goes to murder the European Californian while he's in the hot tub, and succeeds with a shovel-- nice. The social commentary comes when we find the rich ho bag being the most useless member of the team-- wait that's no shock. She runs around the house discovering dead skiers in her underwear. By that I mean she's in her underwear, not the dead people. I really hope she gets killed because she sucks. The lesbian, in light of the normal guy finding the rich ho banging the european californian, lets her true feelings for the normal guy come through while they try to fix the jeep that was tore up by the killer. While they do that he sneaks into the house to finish off the stupid guy, with an inordinately bloody scene that puts a ski pole through his face.

The rich ho's in trouble and we love it. Leopard skin underwear ain't saving her ass from chaotic murder-- I hope! Yes-- it's happening. How will our "beauty get hacked up? Let me count the ways. 1) Fireplace poker to rip through the door. 2) A shameful attempt to shield herself with a decapitated corpse. 3) A blurry attack that makes me miss how she got killed. I'm pissed, but at least she's being dragged through the house (down stairs) where the normal guy goes to find out where she is. He's just in time for the bitch to make her final words, "I never loved you." A ho to the end. Anyway. The lesbian is left to battle the killer in a worthless fight that leaves the car overturned and ready for an explosion while the lesbian gets a hole in her head from some other cylindrical object. In a fit of rage our normal guy calls out the killer who traps him on the lift while he takes random shots at him. Then he finds the killer to be the local tavern guy (in a showdown of wits) who claims he didn't kill anyone. So the normal guy smacks him in the head with the head with the end of a gun and then gets decapitated on his own trip wire after another chase. The normal guy is left alone until he finds his way to the street. He goes to the only place we know that exists in town, the local tavern, where the killer lives, great idea, right? Wrong! Because the hot, sexy nude-skiing daughter is still alive! ROAR-- I can kill too-- and I'll use an ice-chipping snow plow to prove it.

Guess what? In a magical twist of fate the lesbian's NOT DEAD (though she REALLY looked it) and she found a gun to shoot the local with. She then saves the normal guy, but not after we get to see the local chick get ground up in the snow plow. And the lesbian and normal guy end up to be a happy couple in the end with the hoes dead and the dumb sex-crazed guys next to them in a necrophiles dream. Gross joke, I know, but it was expected.

The moral of the story is to never trust hot locals because they ski nude like psychopaths. Also, dump the prissy rich girls because they'll sleep with a European phony after one night and hold out on you for years. Really that has nothing to do with it-- dump her because she's mean to you!

In the end I'm not sure what to believe. Did the dad of the local girl (who was shooting at the normal guy) kill all the people? Did the daughter act alone except for that isolated shooting incident? We have the lame motive, that's fine. But what about the other locals? And the tavern? Who'll run that now?! And me? When will I finish this cake I got a while back? How about... now.