How about the high five? It's really making a comeback in regular life. Just yesterday I high-fived the cashier at Target when I saved two bucks on a DVD and I didn't know it was on sale. I went out to the car and didn't lock my keys in it-- I got another high-five from the guy a few cars down. I held the elevator for someone at work and they gave me a high five. Did the same thing at my apartment building-- another high five. I even pooped and high-fived myself. I have a stuffed animal to high five when I go to bed too. But before that, I stop and think about all the places that my hand has been, and I lick it.

High fives suck.

Out there in this big, nasty world, nobody needs the high-five. When you get past twelve, the high-five has become obsolete. It's time to grow up and be an adult. You don't need responsibility or integrity, just restraint from high-fiving. And if you really have to fight to restrain yourself from high-fiving, you have bigger issues than one simple collection of words and thoughts can address.

The high five is a sign of marked immaturity. You high five when you're having fart contests, because everybody's a winner. High-five at sporting events, because you don't really have to think too much, you're just watching events unfold. It's a basic thing. When you're at a sporting event, you can also high-five because things are loud. When you're in the library, don't high-five. When two hands come together with great momentum, they make noise. It's a novel concept, a lot like clapping, but clumsier. When it's quiet, the high-five demands attention. "Look at me! I'm joyous!"

And why are you joyous? It's probably a stupid reason. You don't high-five when you survive terminal surgery. You don't high-five when Thanksgiving dinner is cooked well. You don't high-five at a graduation, unless it's with an uncle. This is because the high-five is a very macho way to show appreciation. You don't high-five your dad at graduation. He's too busy being legitimately proud and shaking your hand. Your uncle has to be there or your mom will be rude at future family events for years to come, so he gives a high five. Also, any little cousins will high-five you... because they're CHILDREN. The high five is just not always occasion-appropriate.

The high five is physically awkward too. If you're lucky enough to have two people who think, simultaneously, "Now is the time to high-five," then you have two hands coming at each other. They almost never hit right on. In fact, it being a predominately male gesture, the hands will not hit perfectly. This is not because of the awkward nature of men, it's actually because if the fingers were lined up, and rotation was off slightly, the fingers could accidentally interlock. Dudes can't hold hands and be macho, unless they're fire-fighters or barbarians. Hands will not meet perfectly, and you end up with any number of strange pitches and ranges in sound. It's a disaster.

More commonly, you'll end up with someone who initiates the high-five. This is where the problem hits close to home for me. I find it terribly difficult to maintain a level of respect for someone when they are looking at me, with a face of passionate excitement-- so much that they were moved to put their palm, open, next to their head and look right at me. I look back at them, trying to see if there's any shred of the person I once knew in that face. I can rarely find it, and I "leave them hangin'."

In many instances I will try to convert the high-five into a handshake. This doesn't always work. It's terrible when it doesn't, because then we both failed. I feel worse because I tried to make you not look stupid, and you denied me. "Oh no, thanks Superman, but I can handle this meteor coming at my house." Obviously the individual is so deluded that it's not going to change them.

The high-five also demonstrates how seriously you should be taken. The high-five is like wearing big red clown shoes to a major business meeting. Right away, you're telling everyone around you that you should not be taken seriously. "This is how I show joy! Just imagine what else I can do. I fetch! And if you have a hoop, I'll jump through it-- you need not ask." If I met the President and he tried to high-five me (which wouldn't really surprise me), I would move to New Zealand. The high-five really holds significance, but people won't admit it.

Another case against the high-five comes in the terms of use. You know how some whiney people go "Oh, love doesn't mean anything. He loves his dog, she loves this band. He loves me because I got him a discount, she loves me because I like cartoons"? These people have the problem that I have with high-fives (and I rampantly disagree with them on the love problem*).

I was on an elevator with a kid who tried to high-five me as a parting gesture. Where "Have a good night," would do just fine, there apparently needed to be a physical aspect to our departure. I tried to go for the handshake conversion, but it didn't work. And since the kid (I say kid, because he high-fives, thereby canceling out other general nouns, like "respectable human") was a friend of someone I care about, I whore myself with a horrible half-high-five. At that moment, I realized I high-fived a person earlier that day, for the same reason-- out of respect for who they were with-- and I felt like Peter when he realized he betrayed Jesus three times. Shame wasn't even a good enough word to describe my emotions.

My point is that the departure-high-five should only have consequences, namely forearm punches in the face (which are particularly entertaining in an elevator). All of these points are valid if you ask me. I mean, if they weren't, I wouldn't have written them, right? I really would like to step out this election year and say, with all my heart and sincerity, that the high-five should be reserved for our youth (and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). We've taken their innocence, their movies, their stars-- let them have the high-five. And, for all the readers out there, maybe it's time I make a stand. Maybe it's time I start swinging fists when I get offered a high-five. They say that when you believe in something, you should really show it. I'm coming out against high-fives like a young Malcolm X. Don't say you haven't been warned.

*In this world, with the state it's in, you cannot ever say "love" enough. When someone means they love you in a more adult and mature way than they love Cocoa Pebbles, you'll know it. In the meantime, don't be a tool.