Dear Hurricane Wilma,

I don't know what your deal is, but you've been a total jerk lately. I think you should really just go out to sea and blow into nothingness. I really appreciate what you're trying to do by existing, but it's just not working for me. You've caused a lot of damage and you made my weather people predict snow in October. I say enough is enough!

You're a W-- I think you should be glad that you came into existence in the first place. it's not often that we get so far into the alphabet. And you lucked out by being named after the most famous stoneage housewife of all time! I commend you for that, but not your destructive nature. Imagine-- if you were in 2004 you would've been named Winifred, which is extra lame because in 2002 it was Winnie, which is the same name, right?

Might I also add to your list of reasons to feel lucky: You're the most popular hurricane when it comes to alliteration. No one every said Terrible Tammy or Killer Katrina, but I've heard you called Wacky, Weird, Wild, and Wicked-- and that was before you came ashore!

I really think that this whole jealous time you're having with Katrina should really just stop. You're a fine hurricane and we would've feared you whether you came ashore to get us or not. Really, the threat is enough with us anymore. Look at terrorism. I mean jeeze-- do you watch the news at all? We were talking about you before you got all big and threatening.

On Sunday, I watched Final Destination 2, have you ever seen that? It's pretty lame, but I think you should watch it because it contains one of my main reasons for writing: a ripple effect. Oh, you saw Pay it Forward? Well screw you-- we're talking about Final Destination 2. Now, when you do one thing, it messes us all up. It's been raining in Wilkes-Barre for like 9 weeks straight because of you and your peers. Yes, that is an exaggeration, but the point still stands.

Now I realize there's no sense in being so accusatory unless I offer some answer for you. I suggest that you break apart and go away. Yes, this is the hurricane equivalent to dying, I know, but it'd really help us all out. I like the fall, or autumn if you're one of them (and something tells me you are), because the sun shines, but the air is cool. The leaves change colors and the rabid squirrels pack up their acorns for a winter in their homes. You've caused the sun to hide away behind the clouds and those leaves to fall to the ground, wet and slippery. I think it's time you go away and let me have the few weeks of fall I want. Do it. Do it now.

Do it.

Sincerely,