this is what the greeks called "unnecessary"

High heels seem to be all the rage this season. As I look out on the crowd I see tons of ladies with their feet crammed into pointy-toed shoes that boost them up in the air a few inches. This trend is making me worry a bit, but it's also making me question whether or not the bustier is going to make a comeback.

I haven't gotten to sit down and interview any women who are sporting these high heels, but I don't know if it would do any good to ask anyway. After all, it's perfectly clear that these women aren't presented with alternatives at whatever shoe place kids go to these days. I should hope that's the problem, after all wearing high heels socially just reveals a marked lack of self-concern.

The Idaho Foot and Ankle Associates have studied and shown that high heels are a gold-trimmed invitation for foot problems. Their first, and weakest, claim is that you could get hurt from falling. I guess those few extra inches to fall could really mess you up. That's a lame threat though-- what about this one: Shortened calf muscles? I don't even know what that means or what it would look like, but it sounds bad.

Another group found that a mere 3-inch heel puts 76% of your body weight onto the ball of your foot. That ain't cool man. Your dogs have gotta be barkin'. Of course, you know women wear them because it's cool, so whether they hurt or not, you still look good. Which is where my theory about the bustier comes in. I expect a ton of calls and emails when that happens.

Adding to the list of problems with the high heel in contemporary settings is user error. Most people associate this term with mechanical devices, but it's more than clear that this applies to the fashion world too. It's more specific to call it "user error in judgment," or "bad choice." This is proven time in and time out, not to mention the assignment of "bad choice" by Joan Rivers every year. But can she even see anymore anyway? She's gotta be pushing 90.

Regardless, I've been accepting the high heel on occasion. With job interviews and exciting presentations in this, my senior year, I've seen my fair share of dressed up ladies. This is a fine setting for the high heel shoe. It offers a boost to remind of posture, and a ritzy look. It's the spiked heel that it harder to pull off.

I can't say that all spiked heel scenarios are indications of prostitution-- that would be wrong, but probably funny. In truth, some girls can make this work out, but that takes grace and class, which are acquired characteristics. The bad choices come out to light when the spiked heels find their way into the regular daily life. When you're out clubbin' and hookin', these work, but in daily life, you're just trying a bit too hard.

The problem that arises is the user error again. I can't imagine holding a conversation for more that five words with a woman who wakes up in the morning and says, "Phew. I'm feeling like a sweats day. But what shoes could I wear? Those sneakers won't provide me with any discomfort or awkwardness. Now, where are those point-toed six-inchers..."

I'm gonna be frank, but this one goes out to the ladies: IF you decide that heels and sweat pants are your new look and you're gonna make it work, good luck-- however, if you're packin' in the back end, you're gonna want something to hold the caboose in place. High heels are gonna be boosting your ass up, and jogging pants will only let your cheeks run freely. If you can't control it then danger will only ensue.

Side note: No plastic-looking boots with heels... bad...

I'm not one to let things sit without theorizing either. I've gone to several colleagues and peers on this high heel subject, but I've found little consolation. Gregory "G-Kirschey" Kirschner suggested that the women are trying to attract men, "Some guys like it." This was an interesting point and not one to be disregarded. Are there some guys who like heels? The internet says yes-- let me save you that creepy research.

I must say, however, that this explanation isn't satisfactory in the end. What percent of the male sex, that is heterosexual, that loves heels could be out there? Assuming it's 20%-- which had damn well better be very generous guess-- that's one out of every 5 guys you're aiming for. That's low-balling big time. How about trying intelligence, confidence, and self-respect-- you may get the other end of that 1:5 spectrum. Then again, to be truthful, I have heard several dozen guys, at one time or another, say "Man, that chick would be sooo hot if she was just 3-6 inches taller."

And I don't want to make any personal statements, but there's something to be said for a woman who looks comfortable. You don't want to see any Bambi legs walking awkwardly towards you in heels when you could have a normal person walk over in flat shoes. On the opposite end, you totally don't want some girl who learned how to walk in heels from America's Next Top Model, because that just won't work, you end up with more hip movement than Ricky Martin-- what a terrible callback.

In the end, I'm asking the ladies to shelve the high heels, just as I've asked them to pack up the shorts with words on the ass, shoulder-less shirts, and mini-skirts, among other things. But my conclusion lies in a sole(yuck-yuck) seasonal concern. With the winter months coming up, wear real shoes so you don't fall on your ass, because if you do, I promise I'll have a camera.