yes, i had to photoshop the buttons... sorry

I've come to one, solid, infallible conclusion: There is nothing that you can do to prove that you're an asshole more than pressing all of the buttons on an elevator. I've thought long and hard about this. Most of you know that I really try to think things through before writing them as a statement. I try to guess how people may react to these statements and whether or not I want to deal with those reactions. Sometimes I miss the spot completely, like that little MySpace number on pictures. Who knew you could lose fans over that? But that's not what we're talking about today. Now, we focus on the elevator.

I left work to go to lunch. My office is across from the elevator. Classes were changing, so I thought, "Who needs one more bodies on the elevator? It could easily be taken by a student who's running late to class." So I waited. I waited until 12:28. If you ask me, the kids coming out should be the last batch for a 12:30 class. One kid got off. He looked mischievous and ashamed when he made eye contact with me. I smiled, because I'm one friendly guy. I stepped on the elevator as the kid rounded the corner to his class.

Immediately I got off the elevator and over to my co-worker Melody. She was on the phone, but could sense the urgency. "What's up Pete?" "Oh, nothing-- I was wondering if you got a good look at that kid who got off the elevator. He pressed all the buttons before he got off." "Awwwww! No, I didn't-- sorry." This was not a mocking "Aww." Melody felt my pain. I stepped towards the classroom the kid entered, then realized that I should let this one go. I'd get him on his next time around. After all, he does leave the class.

I'm back in the office now, and the asshole's still in there. Problem is, to me, dudes look the same. How would I describe this guy? Medium build, close-cut hair, sweats. That's gotta be two other people in that room. I'm hoping that seeing him will jog my memory though.

Now, about the asshole thing. Imagine you're a woman in a relationship with a guy and you're having a great time. Suddenly he tells you that he's never liked you and you're a total bitch. You may leave and say, "That guy was such an asshole." I will disagree with you. He may have been asshole-like in that he didn't consider your feelings, but he probably just wanted a way out of the relationship and knew no way to save face, so he may have actually just lied to you. You don't know, do you?

The class is letting out... I think I spotted him... he didn't look towards my office though. His cowardice amazes me. Don't hit those buttons if you can't face an angry look.

Example two: You're driving and minding the rules of the road. Your carefully driving down a busy highway. Suddenly, a driver zips into your lane, almost hitting your car or the car in front of you. They change to the next lane over and get off at the exit. You say, "What an asshole!" Again, incorrect. No one does that crap on purpose. They probably didn't realize where they were going and had to get over to that exit. And assuming you're on a busy highway, you should have kept at least three lengths of cars between you and the car in front of you. Then his/her car would have fit perfectly.

Let's try this one: You walk into a store looking for the nicest TV you can find. You ask if Brand X is a good one. The salesperson says, "Sure, that's good if you want crap. You should really go for this Sony. It's $500 more, but the picture is awesome!" You say, "I really want Brand X." "No problem, crap likes crap, crapface." "You're an asshole-- who's your manager?" This is your third violation. Not only is the guy just trying to get a higher commission, but he could've had a really bad day, and his boss could be an even bigger jerk than you.

These three examples did have asshole-like qualities to them, but from the perspective of the other person, you could've been an asshole. The point is that there may only be a small handful of fool-proof asshole activities. The guy who generates viruses and spyware. He's an asshole, right? Wrong. He keeps antivirus companies in business. The guy who pounds off your rearview mirror with a baseball bat while someone drives his car down the street? You got it. Asshole!

Pressing all of the buttons on the elevator, especially in between classes, says that you don't give a damn about ANYONE. You don't care if someone's worried about being late to their class. You don't care about someone having to wait through six floors of stops to get to the bottom. You don't care about anyone's time anywhere. And really, time is our most valuable commodity. Even poor people have time, and they use it. Everyone has time, even the asshole. But when he/she takes your time away, they're saying that their time is more valuable than yours. And what does an asshole do with time, other than plan ways to be a bigger asshole?

I'm saying that a person who kills a puppy and eats its flesh is more respectable than someone who hits all the floors on the elevator. That guy could be hungry, but the elevator guy has just committed a random act of inconvenience. What if the President was on the first floor and he needed to get to the third to sign a treaty to end all war in Israel? I tell you what-- that's why this kid won't have a job in the White House (which is surely not to say that there are no assholes in the White House).

Those are my feelings on the term asshole. Anyone who says, "Guys are assholes," or "I'm surrounded by assholes," or pretty much any term that generalizes being an asshole, is proving their ignorance and asshole-like tendencies in their own statement. Of course we haven't examined the whole term "asshole" itself. Why is it considered a bad thing? If we had no assholes on us, we'd fill with waste and die.