This would be up while I'm writing this article...  is there anything on this site that's NOT cosmically baffling?

Oh you wacky kids... You're all fun to talk to in person, maybe on the phone, and even on modern technology's answer to Morse code: AOL Instant Messenger. Sometimes I do have things to do though, and when I can't talk to you, I try to be as entertaining as possible. Sometimes I'll tell you what I'm actually doing at some given moment. Oftentimes though, my regular away messages will not even tell you what I'm up to or where I'm at. To better explain them, I'll give you a rundown on the list now*: 

The Regulars Section:
These are my "regular" away messages, they're up most often.
Life is good...
This usually means Karen's over or I'm out with her and everything seems good. You can IM me when this one's up, but there's a great chance I won't respond.

blah-bidy blah blah!
I'm probably fed up with something or frustrated by being so bored.  

I was away, without an away message, but now I'm here, with an away message--go figure.
This is self-explanatory, but I put it up when I come back from being away without an away message and people wrote to me, but I just don't feel like talking. It generally works better than, "I don't wanna talk to you, ass" 

I'm not here, but I know you're reading this because I'm riiight behind you... BOO!
Inspired by my Media 2 days at ol' Absegami, this is just a fun way to scare you into thinking I know where you are and am watching you

I'm bored, ask me to do something.
Again, a self-explanatory cry for attention.

I got class. Also I'm in a learning session. (get it? in this message, 'class' is a pun, a play on the adjective class and the noun meaning 'learning session'... you're welcome)
This one has a built in explanation because no one understood the joke without it, people just thought I was schizophrenic.

1-2-3-4, Pete Phil-lips is out the door. Gonna gonna get up get down! I love Coolio!
Well... I do love Coolio.

Somewhere between day class and sleep you'll find me at... night class! (probably dinner first though)
Ah the mighty night class. Joe tells me I stole this from some lame-o horror movie commercial, and I may very well have, but it's just that generic of a tagline, what can I say?

I'm off the hook like a can of tuna fishes--what?!
I took this, minus the "what?!" from the Crack Money Records website message board. I thought it was funny, but what do I know?

absorbing information by visual means through letters
This means I'm reading.

I'm out clubbing seals and knocking over old ladies, be back soon!
I could be anywhere, but I'm not in my room. I'm not actually clubbing seals or knocking over old ladies, but these uncommon examples of evil tasks are the funniest I could think of.

I'm in the shower. Ha! Now you have a picture of me naked in your head! I win this round! Ha ha ha (demonically)
This one won the Pulitzer Away Message Prize in 2001 for its mental abilities, crafty writing, and having the word "naked."

Creative genius Joe Baldasare

The Joe Section:
The following Away Messages were written by former neighbor and (not former) friend Joe Baldasare, on toilet paper, while he was in the bathroom.
I'm laying down right now and there's room for one more, so if any pretty ladies are in the mood for cuddling stop on over!--this message submitted by Joe
Joe's a big fan of the ladies and he wanted some pretty ones to come by and cuddle with me so he could gawk. Since writing this message Joe has gone on to move into quite the swinging bachelor pad comparable only to Quagmire's place on Family Guy.

I'm out somewhere, and I may be lost. My name is Pete. If you see me, please help me. I'm also hungry, so bring a sandwich, but no cheese please.--this message is a Greg/Joe effort
This is a regular away message that was a joint effort between Joe & Greg "8 Ball" Kirschner. One decided I would be lost and one formed the wording. Lastly, Joe added the part about no cheese because he remembered I'm not a fan of cheese on cold sandwiches from the countless trips to Sheetz's Made to Order (MTO) counter.

Today isn't my birthday, but if you see me can you pretend it is? It makes me feel nice.--this message submitted by Joe (but often not credited to him)
This was one of Joe's first toilet inspirations. It's simple and still humorous. Sometimes people get confused and wish me a happy birthday anyway, but as De La Soul says, "It's all good."

The Quotes Section:
Quotes from around the world...
"Like Pat they don't say-jack!"--Saigon
I just thought this was a funny little part of a rap song on DJ Mark Ronson's last CD.

"Throw your hands up if you feel me!"--Big Boi, "Bowtie"
This is from the latest Outkast CD. It was repeated a few times in a song, then I left the computer and put it up, so now it gets more attention and, if you know me then you know I can't help but take part in physical exaltation when I'm overjoyed.

"Pete, your life's like a manic depressive's..."--Greg
Ahh, a classic quote from Greg "High Tower" Kirschner, this is his best observation after living with me for a year.

The AIM Coding Section:
(%t puts the current time, %n puts in the sender's screen name)
It's %t, do you know where your Pete Phillips is?
Borrowed from the old campaign about being a good parent; "It's 9:00, do you know where your children are?"

%n, why you all up in my grill?!
I don't know the inspiration for this one, but who cares, it's funny. Not to mention, you're probably wondering what I'm up to and when you're all up in my grill I can do things like this, it's fun.

%n: I Love Pete Phillips 
Orangeape3: I love you too!
Make sure you have the proper formatting for this clever away message. I make it look like you said you love me, even though you didn't.

Right... so now I'm sleeping, but be assured that I'm dreaming happy thoughts about %n.
Quite simply... I'm sleeping

I'm away, but I miss %n the most!
This is a lie because unless I'm with Karen while this message is up, then there's no way I miss you the most. Also, bear in mind that I have a family and dog and stuff too, so I probably miss them more than you too, but I just want you to feel good.

And that's the rundown kids. I hope you enjoyed this a little bit. I admit it wasn't the greatest addition to the site, but it's something I guess. If you have any better ideas, let me know and I'll write up some fun as soon as I can!

*feel free to use these messages on your own, but also try and credit me with a happy link to this fun time site