enemy propaganda

You all know there's a vanilla frosty now, right? I didn't write this when I first saw this bad idea because I still had my back turned to Wendy's about that whole fpoon, soquid, and think campaign. I went to Wendy's and ordered a frosty. The woman said "What kind?" and I pooped my pants. "Chocolate or vanilla?" she continued. My mind said "Anything but vanilla-- not vanilla. Ugh-- vanilla?! Is she for real?" But my mouth said "Vanilla." It was bad news. I think I let Alisha eat most of it. I did try it, but it was just vanilla soft serve.

The frosty used to be a mystery. You didn't know if it was a solid or liquid; you didn't know why some franchises gave straws with frostys and didn't get burned down; you knew there was only one flavor, but you didn't know why. The frosty represented America and the youth. Much like America from a global standpoint, the Frosty was the junior on the block, but it still packed a lot of punch. The frosty didn't conform to the milkshake, and it wouldn't be caught dead with toppings or syrup, like soft-serve ice cream. It was its own thing-- it took parts from around the world and made something new-- a sign of the future-- a way to the light-- it became a symbol of unity and peace in an unsteady world.

Whenever you'd go to Wendy's you would get a frosty. At holidays you'd buy a book of frosty coupons, not for trick or treaters or stocking stuffers, but so you could see how many of those frosty shots you could take in one sitting. From 10 to 110, everyone could enjoy the frosty coolness of the frosty (except the lactose intolerant, I guess, but come on... they don't count here-- I guess they're good people, blah blah blah, but they've also been cursed with the inability to enjoy the juices of God's great cow). Cross generational, cross economic status, and cross stereotype-- everyone could enjoy a frosty (again, except the lactose intolerants-- but I think they could take a pill or something to counter-balance it).

Then Wendy's boinked their amazing product pretty hard. They started to put out the Fix n' Mix frosty, in which you would receive a small packet of candy and you'd mix it up and eat it. This was too close to the Dairy Queen Blizzard or Avalanche or whatever your local place calls them. It kind of messed with a product that needed no improvement. Wendy's became America and the Frosty was just another product. Wendy's exploited the product and started a track that would run it into the ground.

The next problem was the fpoon and soquid campaign, which you need a doctorate in linguistics and an abstract mind to make any sense out of. There's no need to go into it here, as it was covered well enough here and here. Next was the advent of the Vanilla frosty. This is the end of the frosty as we all know and love it. They took away the individuality and youthful rebellion that was the frosty. No longer does it have a chip on its shoulder, it just blends in. The vanilla frosty is vanilla soft serve. Wendy's tipped their own hand. We all know the frosty is just soft serve now. We had suspicions before, but no confirmation. Here it is now.

And no matter what any person at a register says, there is not a "Vanilla and Chocolate" frosty choice. You choose between Vanilla and Other. The original frosty wasn't chocolate. It was a flavor of unsteady confidence. You didn't know what you were eating, and there was something nice about that. Mystery. That's only a memeory I can hang on to in a crazy world with vanilla frostys. You could always turn to the frosty when you were feeling unsure about the world, and you'd find something just as vulnerable as you. A frosty never knew who it was. It didn't know if it should be chocolate or vanilla, milkshake or ice cream, republican or democrat. But as you ate the frosty, you'd be filled with the inspiration that only a frosty can provide: the inspiration to be your own person and not conform to what people expect of you. The Wendy's Corporation took that away, and now it's just another conformist dessert.

Walter Sobchak said it best: "Nothin' lasts."