Today we're watching a movie called Pterodactyl. That's not the funniest part-- Coolio stars; the director has made similarly poor movies for the greater part of his career (save Firestarter, I guess); the writer has such credits as the painfully awful Roddy Piper classic SciFighters, Ghoulies IV, and Scanner Cop II.

The movie opens with three giant eggs that roll out of a rock and then hatch. It's got the makings of a cute Easter commercial, except for how we keep fading in and out of black. It's weird. Anyway, they're baby pterodactyls. Next scene, our cute dinos are swarming a group of three hunters by cutting one completely in half. We need some back story now! How did they get there? Where did they come from? Didn't dinosaurs die thousands of years ago? These are all questions a six year old would ask, expecting answers. We know better-- we know there's gotta be some shamefully inaccurate explanation.

Next we roll credits and meet our heroes. The professor, (named Lovecraft in a blatant tribute that probably has HP Lovecraft rolling in his grave), the professor's female companion, the cute blonde bitch, some generic girl, and two nerdy guys. That sounds like your run-of-the-mill research team. Off to the woods they go-- but wait-- we're taken to the woods already, with some military action. It's COOLIO! He's a leader of some sort. They kill a dude by slitting his throat-- we don't know who they are or why they're killing these guys, which actually starts them out as reckless killers in our minds. One guy gets away and Coolio chases him. He must've been a fake gangsta because he runs like a girl. Anyway, they kill a whole camp of people-- that's whack, yo.

Let's look at some of our actors while they place some plot points our very plainly in the beginning. Our hot blonde (Mircea Monroe)is familiar-- she'll totally get naked too, but that's for the DVD kids. We have the SciFi Channel, which she is no stranger to. She was the daughter who got naked in the beginning of All Soul's Day. The female companion is Kate, Amy Sloan, who has been in some major pictures with minor roles (The Aviator, The Day After Tomorrow, and Gothika to name a few). Professor Lovecraft is Cameron Doddo, who has had the pleasure of working with many models during the course of his life in She Spies and Models, Inc. Remember Kids Inc.? That was a crazy ass show. Ya know Mario Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas got their start on that show. And that's the only Black Eyed Peas trivia you'll find on this site. Moving along...

OK, so what'd you miss? Well the researchers are at a crossroads. Either Lovecraft finds something big out here in the woods or he loses his job at the college, and the kids will all lose their spirits and probably any credibility in their professions. It's been 20 minutes now, so the blonde has to wet herself down in a stream. She decides to go swimming in a mysterious lake, alone, in her underwear. I didn't peg her as first to go. She gets attacked and swims scared, jiggling all along he way. She kicks its giant talons and runs through the woods scared, jiggling all the way. Nerdy guy one gets picked up by a pterodactyl and he is the first to go.

Jiggles runs back to camp and warns the rest. She's gotta be crazy, right? Well how can we comfort her? Let's put her in tighter clothing! Now, Kate has feelings for the Professor, but he hasn't considered anything like that because he's her professor. She's mad about it and he's mad at her for being mad about not being sexually advanced upon. Anyway-- all that aside, they go out looking for nerdy guy #1. While they're driving about, the pterodactyl finds them. I say the pterodactyl because they think there's only one. We know there are really three-- at least. When the jeep runs aground they run for the trees. The generic girl is absolute toast. She crawls around as these CGI paws scratch at her. No blood, poor struggle. It's insulting.

Oh-- big shocker-- the professor wants to follow the pterodactyl while everyone else wants to run. He excuses them killing his students because "they're just predators-- it's nothing personal." Now the military guys are stumbling upon pterodactyls and our researchers. They oughta team up. In the sky, we see about six or seven total pterodactyls. No wait-- there's good military and bad. Coolio's good, of course. It gets too annoying to write about, but it gets chaotic before it gets better. Then Coolio blasts one of the pterodactyls out of the sky. Well done! This is rip-roaring fun, made into a pun by pterodactyls that rip and roar. That's a good one. Write that down.

There seems to be an unnatural amount of open spaces in these woods. There are a ton of trees and you'd think that the pterodactyl couldn't land in between trees since it's freaking huge-- but no, they prefer to stay in the open areas. I guess if they didn't there would be no movie. Well it turns out that Kate is some military big-wig's daughter, so Coolio falls all over her to get her and her friends into town. Despite the fact that the pterodactyls are enormous and shriek like hell, they still manage to sneak up on our team. They winged beasts take out a few soldiers and the nerdy dude is fighting for his life to help ol' blondy. A pterodactyl grabs her right off the arm of nerdy-- literally. The pterodactyl then drops the blonde and she dies slowly and painfully.

Okay, listen, these suckers have got to have talons like two feet long. They pick up a person and don't hurt them one bit. It's total crap. It would be like if you ate glass the only consequence would be crapping glass, not actually blooding through your entire body. They pick up Kate and take her to the pterodactyl den, where she beats up baby pterodactyls and hides. Smart thinking! Our group goes on and holes up in an abandoned house while the pterodactyls kick some ass. The soldiers take out the lead pterodactyl, but one of their missiles strays off to the mountain in which the pterodactyls live-- aka. the volcano. We'll see if that happens...

Our heroes finally get hurt instead of flat out dying. It's about time, eh? Now they have to stay at the house. Meanwhile, back in the pterodactyl den, Kate gets a radio off the dead soldier in there with her. She reports on where she is. They say they'll call her in a couple hours. I have to say that this is a pretty lame movie, but after two weeks ago and Uncle Lou's Alien Express, it's really not the worst we've seen. The team moves out to the volcano leaving the wounded alone at the house. One dies, then a pterodactyl kills the other. So when the team gets close to the den, they call Kate, who then gets attacked, she falls out of the den I think. I'm not paying attention really.

Well I'm watching again. It looks like the soldiers are rigging up some sort of grade-school MacGyver stuff-- like before he learned about physics and gravity. It looks like their plans working though. Since Kate is stuck on the side of a cliff, they're all going to her, instead of her going to them. And when they do a return trip to where they came from, they do it backwards-- what?! Coolio got shot! What the hell happened? Wait. Coolio got shot before already. He just got up from it like last time. Well Coolio, Kate, and Lovecraft are the only ones left now. That's how it should end up too. We'll have to figure out how they plan to kill off the pterodactyls. OH, well I missed this one part. They buried a bomb in the sheep that they used as bait to weight their rope. Nevermind.

One pterodactyl is left (until we get to the final frame and there is still one more left). Coolio comes close to getting killed, but I'm sure he doesn't. They kill him with this weapon that shoots giant missiles at a target. I don't know where the missiles came from because they're huge, but hey-- whatever. No, wait-- Coolio died. That sucks. And here's our kiss ending with enough time to cut to other dinosaur eggs hatching in the volcano, in complete CGI. Looks like crap. You can't tell though, because it has for the past two hours.