hugh hefner with his three girlfriends (left to right) Disillusion, Attention-starved, and vacuous

A lot of you readers don't realize that I really am a famous guy. Sure I've had a few pinches of exaggeration here and there, but seriously it's all based in reality... really. And speaking of reality, did you know that I was actually featured on an episode of the new E! reality show Girls Next Door. It was quite an experience. I signed a contract that holds me liable for $100,000 if I talk about my experience, but I have to tell you the story-- it just bugs me that much. I'd also tell you when it airs, but it won't. They told me I was too "volatile." I really can't explain it without just telling you the whole story.

For those of you who don't know, E!'s Girls Next Door is a new show that takes us inside the playboy mansion to see what it's like to be one of Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends (one who wanted to be a playmate since the age of five, if I heard that right, and I'm 90% sure I did). For those of you who don't know, Hugh Hefner is a dirty old man who seems to surround himself with women out of habit nowadays. He looks so vacant and dazed and that he doesn't even know women are next to him at all. To run down our ladies, there are three: Bridget, Holly, and Kendra. I'd love to tell you who's who, but they all look the same anyway. E! helped me with their online profiles. Holly is a total skank who keeps her figure without going to the gym. She claims sex is her only exercise, which makes her a total whore, right? Oh I guess not if it's all with Hugh Hefner, but I think his heart would burst if it was frequent enough to be considered exercise. And according to E! she has brains too because she's studying Real Estate. Wait. Does that count? Bridget is the vindictive bitch of the house who can't get in the magazine because she keeps getting older and older. At the ripe age of 31 she speaks in tears about how she will never get in. Kendra (20) is our most manly playmate who ends up getting in the magazine, but her vicious lust for attention makes her one of the most personably annoying people in the world. Her "brains" section talks about her massage therapy school.

Before you understand what happened, you have to realize that everyone on this show is totally insane. There isn't one normal, free-thinking, mentally stable person on this entire show. Not one. Then, I came on.

I was brought in as just a run-of-the-mill guest of the playboy mansion, but they wanted to have me on the actual show so it could get some ratings. I understand, there's only so many curves you can put on a show before the audience gets dizzy. So I agreed. I have no real open invite to the mansion because I hate going there. The women are so shiny and empty that it really gets me down. I like to be on TV though, so I agreed to help the show out. Boy was that a bad idea!

I showed up on set by walking on. I had no grand entrance or anything, and I didn't mind. The less attention the better, I figured. Well I strolled around the grounds a bit and found Kendra doing her sports thing with a new girl visiting the house. It was shameful. She was wrapped around the girl holding the tennis racket and showing her how to swing into a hit. I stuck a hose on her hoping that the two would get the sexual tension cooled off. No luck. They started making out and I dropped the hose and walked down to the front yard. Holly asked if she could use me for a class project and she toured me around the mansion for her Real Estate class. I had to fill out an evaluation at the end. I think she got mad at me, but I thought "This sucked like exercise" was pretty witty. I ran into Bridget and she started to tell me that she really wanted to be in the magazine and she was really blah blAH BLAH! I told her she was old and only getting older so she'd better take the pictures now before gravity took over. She was mad too.

I was on thin ice with the gals, but it wasn't as bad as most house practical jokes, like taping beach balls to the bedroom doors. Those wacky broads! Dinner was no good either because Hugh and I had a Flaw-Off, which is when we point out the flaws in his three girlfriends until they cry. It ranged from fake boobs to bad roots and unmatching eyebrows to Bridget being down right 100% as creepy as Crispin Glover in Willard. They cried and cried and Hugh laughed and laughed. He yelled, "You wanted attention and a father-- well some fathers suck! Ha!"

The feelings in my heart were different though. I caved, "Girls-- listen, it doesn't matter if your hair is dried out all the time or if your cheeks dominate your faces. The fact of the matter is that your all loaded with problems-- none of you are perfect. No woman could ever be perfect because everyone wants something different-- except when it comes to you gals bleaching your hair, starving yourselves, and pushing your rack for a man who wants to just make Barbie into a real live human being. And even if you managed to achieve a non-attainable goal of physical perfection, you would still have those awful personalities to wrestle with. Look, every guy out there wants something different and it's impossible for you to have it all, so be yourselves. Drop the dye and eat the cheese burgers. You're all lovely for who you are, not for what this dead man made you."

Hugh was shocked and he passed a new chunk through his arteries (though it was cool to see him skip through life like a record for that second). He demanded that I take my propaganda and get the hell out of his home. The chicks didn't get my message anyway. They really are borderline retarded. I wondered if they didn't leave the house because they liked it there or they couldn't find the way out, but then, as I walked down the driveway, I realized that no one wants a girl like that, and that Hugh Hefner was tainting the image of beauty. Then I laughed at me using the word taint, and the camera faded to black. I doubt it will be cancelled because I didn't turn out being a regular guest, after all it is full of more boobs than anything else on TV.