not even the O'Connells can carry this zero. anybody get that? it's a math joke... anyone?.

Well The New Guy was on FX, so I figured this is a great time to write another bad movie review. I remember commercials for this movie from years ago and I always thought, "That looks like a huge steamy load of crap." Who knows how all the cameos got in the movie, but I do have to say that, ultimately, I do admire that these filmmakers came together to make a terrible, but fun (to them) movie and they just had a downright good time. Anyway, I missed the beginning so let's jump into the review mid-stream--

Turns out, Griffin and Qualls have a lot in common because they used to be the respective losers of their former prisons and high schools (respectively). After he gets to jail and meets Griffin, Qualls starts to break all the rules in high school, like Griffin says to. What zaniness must ensue? Not much really, he just takes a security camera and records the principal crapping. When he finally breaks a mop with the intent to use it inappropriately on the principal (again, on Griffin's advice), he gets the boot for destruction of school property. No wonder this movie must've grossed $12.50 at the box office.

The crux of the film is to make another Road Trip or American Pie, but funnier because of all the parallels that can be drawn between high school and prison. But not all the comparisons work, so we have prison sex jokes and more stupid stuff. A running gag of shooting escaping prisoners seems to be in this movie for some reason, but I don't know why. When you see the movie dip to a new low as the warden is introduced as Henry Rollins, you're brought to tears with Horatio Sanz as the Dance Instructor. This isn't the worst part either. Other guests include Gene Simmons, Tommy Lee, Vanilla Ice, David Hasselhoff, and Tony Hawk. When you build a movie on cameos, it's destined for failure (though it should be noted that JERRY and Charlie O'Connell are in this movie).

With a list of ways to look cool at the new school, Qualls seems to succeed quite a bit. We know in the back of our heads that the nerdy secret of being the outcast in the old school is still there and ready to come out at any moment flushing our hero's new reputation down a watery drain (much like I'm doing with my time by watching this movie).

At the halfway mark, I have seen two parts that were funny in this movie:
One was Eddie Griffin saying, "That ain't right" for some reason.
The other was one of the nerdy friends saying, "That has got to be the sluttiest girl I have ever seen," then a cut to a high school yearbook picture with a really slutty looking girl. That doesn't sound funny because you can't see the picture, but it is. Funnier is that the slutty girl's name is Sunny Mabrey in real life. Anyway...

So the movie continues with our hero, Qualls, going to a party and "almost getting laid." When he gets home from the party, his dad, Lyle Lovett, plans to quit his job to join his son and get him over misdiagnosed Tourettes and being on "crank." We're just over half way and I'm ready to give up watching this movie. There's a lot of terrible situations and jokes, but I'm in this one for you guys. What makes this movie so awful is that it's unbelievable. You watch American Pie and you know it could happen to some kid somewhere. Maybe not everything would happen to the same kid in the movie, but you allow the filmmakers to pretend it could happen to the same guy. In The New Guy, the situations are ridiculous. Having his wang grabbed by the school librarian as he pulls her around the school? A football team pep talk a la Patton? Meeting the O'Connell's at a party? It's all so far-fetched and could never happen to anyone.

Head cheerleader Danielle, played by Eliza Dushku, satisfies the hot requirements, but is clearly WAY ahead of the rest of the cast in talent. She stands up tall with Vanilla Ice's talent in the music store scene. This is also where Qualls, the hero, turns on his nerdy friends, which we all saw coming from the first scene. There's a painful 40 minutes left of this torture-fest. Who knows what silly excitement could happen? Oh screw it, I'm getting a soda.

Damn machine's empty. Oh Luksic, how I loathe you.

There was a point where the football team won a game because of Qualls' pep talk. Turns out they go to the championships or whatever... I don't know. When he tries to come out of the closet to Danielle, the cheerleader, she cuts him off. But oh, guess who the opponent is in the big finals game? That's right, Qualls' old school. What irony!

Whoa! Tony Hawk just got in a fight with the O'Connell's. What a jerk.

So the lead guy's dressed like Braveheart and no one from the other school recognizes him and they just won the state finals game. Wait-- one dude recognized him. What will develop now?

There's a rule in nerd flicks and that's to nit ignore the reality in life. If you're a dork you stay a dork--they threw a midget--you don't change. That was the major pitfall in Angus from years ago. These all work the same. Either they get the girl and win or stay true and just fail and be dorks. Take it from a dork, that's the way to go.

So now the kid's band is playing the big social gathering, a dance I think. Dude, they suck. Don't watch for music. Ouchers. Now there's the big expose. The big jerk kids are telling the story of a nerdy kid turned cool, but they're making the mistake of letting him come clean. There's still hope for him to land on his face. Oh yeah, his nerdy friends forgave him too, with like no effort at all.

I just switched to Last Comic Standing to see who's gonna win this fixed reality TV show this year... John Heffron?! What a stupid shit show. Back to the stupid shit movie now. Ohh-- Eddie Griffin came to save the day. I've been waiting for that. Oh screw this, the cheerleader's coming up to stick with him... and she does too. That movie sucked, don't watch it ever. You practically already did.