you can still respect me for watching this alone because it was on TV

In about an hour I'm going to start another bad movie review. I was just looking up what I could watch on my lunch hour, and it looks like FX is showing Poison Ivy 3: The New Seduction. This is a fantastic opportunity for me to tackle the thriller genre and complain about a bad movie. Chances are once you hit a sequel you're in trouble, but recent times and dedicated filmmakers are starting to put that old agage to rest. However, very few filmmakers have been able to score on the "number 3" movie. Sure you got your Harry Potter's and your Lord of the Rings', but they don't count because they're based on books. Essentially, they're not totally independent flicks. Now the Godfather 3, minus the incest, did stand on its own and apart from any literature. Still, these heavy hitters can't stack up to the Poison Ivy Saga (or did I get that backwards?)

Poinson Ivy was a movie from way back in the day (1992) starring Drew Barrymore in her extra trashy slut days, and Sara Gilbert (best known as the ugliest kid on Roseanne). Gilbert's character lives with her dad and for some reason I forget, Barrymore moves in. She starts to take over Gilbert's life, but seducing the dad too (because his sickly wife can't "satisfy him sexually"--straight from the video box). As time goes on Barrymore's character starts to try and get rid of Gilbert and it all ends with death. But the death of whom? Ahh, gotcha...

Poison Ivy 2 has always taunted me at the video store, looking like it could reach a trashy level higher than the original because of the new lead: Alyssa Milano! Milano stars as Lily (there's a running plant name in the lead characters). Now I haven't seen this one, but that won't stop me from reviewing it, right? I gotta say that in reading comments from the Internet Movie Database, I have to agree off the bat with the guy who says, "Alyssa Milano nudity is all this movie has going for it." What more could you need though? This seems accurate though because I couldn't make sense out of the plot summary either. Apparently she moves in with some people and finds a box from the original Ivy (Barrymore) with a diary a nudie pitchers. She suddenly decides it's time to tramp it up and starts dating a guy while seducing her art teacher. She probably dies in the end or there wouldn't be...

Violet in Poison Ivy 3: The New Seduction, is played by Jamie Pressly. Now you may not know Jamie Pressly by name, but you'd know her if you saw her. She was in flicks like Not Another Teen Movie, Tomcats(!), Joe Dirt, and more worldly classics. This movie was before all of that though, this was way back on her resume as feature film number two. And what a way to start a career, eh? The New Seduction comes to follow the original story as Violet, who is Ivy's little sister--who didn't exist in the first movie, but does now--goes to the Greer home to follow in her sister's footsteps. It's good to watch the trashy slut time go up as the films progress: first one had no nudity, second had ample nude scenes, this one has a special unrated DVD version with two more minutes of naked footage. But I'm watching on FX, so we'll skip all that.

Before watching I can only remember that there's a scene with S&M gear, tennis, drugging, and the story is generally the same and less thoughtful than the original movie. And the main fault is that the daughter in this movie isn't ugly, so you just keep yelling at the screen, "Yo! Try harder and you can beat that slut!" And now I'll go watch it over a turkey sandwich.

Well, that's one horned up flick! Whew. Anyway, it turns out that Ivy's mom was a maid who slept with the new daughter's dad (and the pool boy--in the first 5 minutes we had naked ladies). Lily, Ivy's sister, comes back to ruin her friend's dad's life by way of ruining her friend's life. Phew, it was as exhausting to watch as it was to write.

Time goes on and blah blah blah. Lily's being a prostitute in her spare time, how do ya like that? She's really slutty too, and she plays some tough tricks on the family, like getting a former user-boyfriend back on drugs, sleeping with him, bitching out the maid, pissing off the socialites, getting the Ivy League bound tennis star drunk, and many more. When the family's lives seem all but ruined, it just happens that Violet loses it and kills them all. I guess that's what happens when you blow your budget on a naked lady and a pretty house. All in all, this movie is for the nudity only, so a TV showing isn't so impressive, but if you like to watch a hot chick whore up the screen while plotting revenge and losing her shit, then rent this sucker.

I'm proud of myself for remembering tennis, S&M, drugs and a lame story though. Oh well. This may be the shortest bad movie review so far, huh? I guess if I watched the whole thing and actually wrote as I watched, like in most of these, it would've worked out, but oh well, what do you want from me? I'm just one man.