Representatives of Pete Phillips called a press conference today to let the public know a shameful secret that Phillips has been hiding since birth: he knows nothing. Reporters questioned the representatives and Phillips himself on the severity of his lack of knowledge and it was shown that he does, in fact, know some things, but there have been forces keeping him from expressing his knowledge, and in some cases, his own personal opinion.

"Mr. Phillips has finally decided to bring this condition to the public in light of recent events in his life," said Keith Bogus, Phillips' Director of Public Relations. Those events were unclear, but it was obvious that Phillips was emotional about them.

"Don't you ever just get tired of people saying, 'I know!' or 'I told you so!'? Well for me, it just got so bad that I really don't think I know anything anymore," said Phillips after the conference, "In this time of media confusion and mixed messages, how can any of us be sure that we knowledge? In most cases we don't have much more than faith. And without faith, what's to say that we're any less than the animals we hunt or the criminals we condemn for being murderers? Of course, I could be wrong, it's been known to happen--frequently."

Phillips' philosophizing came after a heartfelt explanation about his diminishing confidence in his opinions and personal knowledge.

"I've always been one to hear both sides of the story, but when you hear enough stories, your own gets chipped away," said Phillips. This prefaced a tearful story about many forces in his life telling him that his opinion was wrong. Opinion, according to Webster's Dictionary, is a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter. When people started to tell Phillips that his opinions were wrong, then he questioned his mind's ability to form views and judgments, "I couldn't trust my own mind anymore."

Phillips' mother and scholarship beneficiaries were among the numbers infuriated by the news. "Where exactly has all of my money been going if the kid can't actually know anything?" said Thomas McRichson, who donates to the Moreau Scholarship fund at King's College. According to Phillips' SAT scores and high school activity, McRichson and other donors assumed that Phillips could actually know things. However, studies have shown that this is one of the lightest cases of this assumption of knowledge in scholarship awards at King's College, but it continues to be a problem at the school.

"At this point, I'm just empty. I've tried many methods of learning, but ultimately it's all a waste," said Phillips. "Whenever I'm confident that I know something to be sure, the people around me are quick to shoot me down, and not in a generally friendly or affectionate way. This has resulted in many facts and ideas swimming around in my head, but my inability to be confident in them to vocalize. This generally leads to more problems because I am silent."

"Mr. Phillips is willing to take help from anyone out there who thinks they can help with the matter, but our experts have told us that anyone who helps will probably only harm him as his ability to think for himself will be crippled by taking orders from another person," Bogus concluded in the press conference.

Phillips attempted to finish his time on a positive note, "I feel that my admitting my lack of knowledge is really helpful for the public. I think many more people should come out and admit this terrible condition too. I did, and I'm still the same. Together, we can all get help, but apart we can only fall. With all of this out of the way, I'm like a blank slate. This is a real re-birth for me. I'm ready to go out like a sponge and absorb all new information. Too bad I missed grade school."