I stole this picture from Kings.edu,  but it looks darn festive doesn't it?

Dear Little-Ones,

Well it's too late to run now. Is there any advice that will make your first year in college more tolerable--I mean pleasurable? I don't think anyone can be sure if there is, but if you need some words to live by, I'll give you what I got.

First and foremost, you should know 100% that just about all of the orientation activities are optional. You don't have to attend these things, but I would recommend you try a couple out. Why? Well you'll meet a lot of new people, and in all likelihood you'll forget all of their names. Days later you'll see the people who you met and you'll think, "S--t! What's his/her name?" They'll think the same thing and you'll probably pass each other without more than 3 seconds of direct eye-contact. 
*as a side note, that orientation staff is a sexy bunch, eh?*  

If orientation doesn't help you make friends, the people around you will--take your roommate for example:
Scenario 1: Your roomie's a total freak. After hanging out with him/her for a long time, you'll look good by comparison. This is a common thing. In the beginning you'll see many people hanging out and they fade apart as time goes by because others have picked up the normal looking roommate as a promising social prospect.
Scenario 2: Your roomie's normal and has friends. They'll ask you to do things because they don't want you sitting in the room all alone, unless they're bastards.
Scenario 3: Your roomie's in the middle and has friends that are dissatisfied with their contribution to the social group. They'll draft you into the group a a possible replacement for your roommate and when your roomie's been phased out completely then you'll know that you have friends and your roommate will find others. Obviously they have more social skills than you anyway since they started out with friends.

Next up, if you have one of those backpacks on wheels, get rid of it. 

Also, remember that no one knows who you are, nor do they give a s--t. You may have been a hotshot in high school, and if you're lucky that status has equipped you with the confidence you need to look like a stable person in college. 

Your professors aren't that bad, and they know you're freshman, they won't kill you. 

If you're prepared to drink then you should have little trouble finding a spot to do it at (but be aware of the laws against underage drinking and blah-bidy-blah-blah). If you don't want to drink and you think that cramming a hundred people into a 20-person space isn't a good time, then you're gonna want to start thinking of what you're going to do with yourself during the weekends. If you're devious and planning, the you may find comfort in the fact that your floor will probably be completely empty on nights when there are parties. 

For the love of God, please wear flip-flops when you shower--people have probably thrown up in there, or at least peed there--better yet, wear something on your feet whenever they're touching the ground because you'd be surprised to know the amount of places in which people can throw up or pee.

Don't dye your hair pink and get a mohawk--that seriously can't work for anyone, I don't care how much sex that kid had, the hair was still stupid.

If, in your first time in the Mulligan Building/Administration Building/Parente Sciences Building you do not get lost, immediately go to the Registrar and pick up your degree because you're a genius.

Even though it's true that many people you'll meet are being paid to be nice to you (ie. admissions people, college staff, your RA, the lunch ladies) it doesn't mean that you can't form positive relationships with these people. In addition, if you smile and say hello to strangers as you're walking around campus, don't let it get you down if they don't return the salutation. Like anywhere in the world, there are rude people here at King's, not to mention the vast number of oblivious individuals such as myself.

Eat the food, you're gonna have to. I remember in my freshman year they had some damn tasty hot dogs. Since then they've been replaced because they were too good for the students. You'll probably see a shift in your bathroom behavior after eating food from the cafeteria for a while, but you'll be ok, I'm still alive and I have a very shifty stomach.

No, the sun doesn't shine that much. For more information on the sun in Wilkes-Barre, see Mike Venos' Article .

Yes, we're a Catholic college, but you don't have to go to church. I just find it funny that some people think that.

Unless you receive a paper in the mail, after your freshman year you will never find out what it actually costs to go to school here. Some will say, "Oh yeah, like $27,000, right?" or "Isn't it $26,000 or something? Or was that last year?" And you'll always find out what it cost last year, but never this year, until you get your bill of course.

Some people like rap, some people like hardcore yelling, some people like classic rock n' roll, some like modern rock, some actually like country music, but nothing can prepare you for seeing a 250 lb. muscle-head grooving to Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful."

There's so much more to tell you, but it all escapes me at the moment. If anything else occurs to me, I'll be sure to let you know ASAP. Godspeed sweet children. You are our future...

Sincerely,