there's a terrible, terrible movie with the same title i think christy canyons is in it

Did you know I'm a single guy? When some people come over to my apartment they call it a hip bachelor pad. It would be if I was a little dirtier. In fact most people are quick to comment on how clean I am "for a guy." Anyway, Wilkes-Barre is not a fun place to meet people for relationships. It's hard enough to find people to be friends with. The people I try to make friends with seem to have some sort of relationship-attention deficit disorder. That'd be RADD if you want a cool disorder to have. Like I talk to them, but other people come along and they become more interested in them. Either other people, TV, music... maybe a rock. Whatever.

Meeting women is a whole other bag. I'll present to you a mix-up of advice and follies that will make you laugh, and hopefully teach you something along the way.

First, you can meet women anywhere, don't be fooled into thinking they're hiding somewhere. I passed women on the way to work today, as a matter of fact. When you whittle down to locations, you meet types of women. For example, if you go to a nursing home, you'll meet old women and caring women, with the occasional Nurse Ratched wannabe thrown in there. I try to meet women everywhere because I've gotten some lasting friends from hot women I was trying to get to know better. Understand, along the way you find out more about someone and you can see them in a different light. It's not like all of my friends are a series of crashes and burns. In fact, most of them aren't.

So what kind of girl do you want to meet? That would direct you to a location, right? For some reason a truly warm, sweet, loving woman is attractive to me. This is strange because I am a living enigma. While I can be sweet and loving, I can also be one mean twit with a twisted sense of humor. That makes things hard because you may meet a beautiful, charming lady, but you'll look like an ass when you blurt out something overtly inappropriate.

The other thing that prevents me from meeting many ladies for insightful conversations and adventurous sky-diving dates is that I'm a shy guy. Did you know that? I can be. Especially after I blurt out something offensive (as previously mentioned). This shyness is voluntarily credited to my mom. She has told me several times that I'm reserved because she is and I don't know any better. It's possible, eh? Regardless of why, I do get a little quiet around people. So if I meet a special lady who piques my interest, now I have to talk to her. And even if I'm ready to talk, I have to think of what to say. That's potentially damaging too. I'm a writer. I don't think quick on my feet. I lose verbal arguments all the time because of that.

My advisory staff is pretty bad when it comes to this area too. Alisha Turull tells me I should say, "Hey" and nod my head in a slightly retarded fashion. Upon duplicating the motion, it was decided this shouldn't be done. You think I'm taking scenes from a bad comedy don't you? This is my life, everybody. Alisha seems to come up with some of the most awkward introductory phrases I could ever say to anyone. This makes me look stupid when I say things he says, because my charm takes a bit more time to notice. When I got off the elevator with my mom, a woman who was under 50 was getting on. She was a younger woman (like closer to me), and a pretty good looking one too. When we got to the car, mom said "What floor are you on?" See? We have a shared delay.

And of course, all of your advisors will tell you to be yourself. Can anybody help that anymore? I'm myself all the time, but I, myself, am inherently quiet and reserved. You can't be yourself AND be quiet AND get a pretty lady's attention, unless it's with mace or the company of a police officer. In fact, my latest quip of nonverbal communication with a beautiful woman consisted of me saying "Ooh," repeatedly, in an interested fashion, and "Ooh" in a faux-pain fashion to emulate sympathy and understanding. The problem is that I looked like I only knew how to make one sound and inflect it differently. But I was genuinely interested in what the woman was saying, and genuinely concerned for the children in pain that she spoke of. It's a bigger story. I don't meet ladies who hurt kids.

What's a poor guy to do? I've spent my life honing sincerity, integrity, and honesty. I've worked on the sense of humor to compensate for the hard body (and let me tell you, reader, that shit doesn't work). None of those things has yeilded a female following (except that one mentally disturbed one back in March). I can only tell you one thing that I can (and will) do. Keep on trying. Surely I'll crack one day and actually have words to say instead of sounds to make at a woman's comments. They say that there's somebody for everybody, right? Well one day I'll meet that lady and things will go well. I hope it's a lady too. That could complicate things if it's not. I digress-- I'll keep trying, I said, and things will turn around sometime. And if you haven't learned anything yet, let me leave you with this: no matter what your associates tell you, "Can you tell me what's up with this rash?" is not a good opening line. Believe it.