fast-talking annoying guy, Joss

I wasn't going to do a bad movie review on All Soul's Day. I wanted to just watch it and enjoy it for myself. It took a couple things to get me writing. One was how I missed the first three showing of this movie on the SciFi Channel and the other was that Jeffrey Combs was in it. I knew it would be futile to resist. All Souls Day is about the Day of the Dead (we're all about the Spanish holidays this week). The score is good at the start of the film, and I should hope that the composer went on to score several upcoming TV movies starring Kellie Martin, but hey, I thought he was ok. We have a Day of the Dead celebration, which just means that there's a reason to have zombies. Dialogue starts with Rauol, who has stolen from some guy in a derby hat. You don't screw with a man in a derby hat-- ever. Derby Hat Guy goes and blows up a whole town while they celebrate the day. We don't know why, so we cut to Jeffrey Combs' family, riding out to Mexico...

Jeffrey Combs is famous for his role in Re-Animator and Beyond Re-Animator, but you'd probably know him better in more mainstream roles as the FBI cult specialist in Frighteners. He's awesome. We's got the perfect creepy-man/mad scientist look, but we do have a small distaste for him because he's also in Abominable. We'll let him go though-- a job's a job's a job, right? Combs' family gets to the hotel in Mexico and they check themselves in because no one's working the desk, just that girl in the back cleaning up the puddle of blood who doesn't speak English. The parents, Combs and wife, are like right out of the 1950's, the daughter can't stand them because they favor Ricky, the cripple kid who walks with braces and crutches because he has polio. So maybe it is the 50's? It looks like the story barely started yet. We've jumped ahead in time twice already, so maybe we'll do it again. You expect to get to the main story at some point in the first 20 minutes though. The sister runs around the town when she finds all her family is zombi-fied. His past credits include Alien Jumpsuit Chick #2 in Dude Where's My Car? While she gets torn up by the town, the kid looks on from the window, so he must be okay.

Now we jump to teens driving in the car. They seem to be driving to some where. Right off the bat I want the guy to die. He's really annoying and not very funny. This gives the female an acting challenge because she needs to be amused and in love with this fast-talking a-hole. He goes to the sheriff after they drive right into the center of town where a woman rolled out of a thing and had no tongue to talk to anyone. The sheriff is David Keith, the male hunter lead in Sabertooth. He's fairly memorable, but since I looked at the cast list, I know he's the grown up version of that kid with polio. Who knows what plot thickness we have here? He locks up the woman with no tongue, but I bet he knows who she is or why she's tongueless. Our teens end up satisfied with the sheriff's work and they check in to the zombie hotel. They'll be fiiine.

We're reminded often that the people in town are "weird" or "freaky-deaky." This is bad because if they succeeded in being so freaky, we wouldn't have to be reminded because we'd be weirded out already. Alas, we are not, just bombarded with over-acting. The fast-talking guy is still annoying, but he and his lady friend get toasted on the complimentary wine anyway. Why not? They have no reason to remain conscious, right? They don't get too drunk, but more strange occurrences happen in the hotel. I got a phone call right now, which is REALLY pissing me off. Okay, I missed some stuff and I'm very mad. I hate phone calls in good movies, especially when the topic is danced around and amounts to nothing.

The tongueless broad is in jail still and the sheriff is going on about something or other. Here's something good, he's got a southern accent, but he's in Mexico. How does that happen? You'd think he'd adopt a Spanish accent. The sheriff has her tongue by the way. That doesn't shock me at all. More weird stuff in the hotel and blahbity blah. I think they were gonna sacrifice the tongueless girl, but she magically slashed her wrists with no sharp utensils. They need another Mexican to sacrifice, and luckily, our leading lady, the one with the annoying guy, is all Mexican. Annoying guy, Joss, who's only more irritating when I pin his name down, calls his college buddy who shows up at the hotel and they come out to Mexico. They're annoying drunks and when Joss goes to pack the bags in the car so they can get outta dodge, things get a little hairy. He finds the dead tongueless woman AND her tongue.

Meanwhile, inside the hotel, the drunks and the leading lady start chowing down on their desert, human-looking bread, and they pass out, losing Alicia. Joss is the crappiest character ever. He steals the cop's gun from the desk and starts looking for the missing Alicia. He finds her at the sacrifice, where she's apparently naked? The sheriff was the head of the sacrifice, but when he gets shot, he reveals that now it's time for the zombies to come out and kill everyone. It's an exercise in appeasing the gods, and the sheriff failed. Now he'll be eaten by zombies, including his own mother. They can't run away because the zombies blocked the car so they hole up in the hotel. Tongue-less is a zombie now and her first bite is out of Joss' leg. YES! She's got no tongue so she just growls and screams. It's the ONLY funny part of the movie when Joss tries to keep shooting her. You'd think that after the 4th time he'd get it.

Zombie rules for this movie aren't clear yet. Guns don't do much though. Traditional rules would state that Joss will be a zombie because one bit him, but that remains to be seen. When asked if he'll become a zombie Tyler, the friend from college, says, "If this was a movie, yes, but in real life, I don't know." How lame. They leave him in the lobby as they run upstairs. It's Tyler's girlfriend who makes them leave him behind. Ya know what? I wish I could feel the love that these two feel because Alicia won't leave Joss, she wants to stay with him if they leave him behind. I don't know about you, but at 22, I can probably make amends with this situation. So if you want me to stand by your side, you may want to start thinking of ways to win me over.

Alicia starts wandering around the hotel while they tend to the ailing Joss. It's pretty stupid on her part, but who cares? We don't really like her all that much. Sure she hasn't offended us, but she hasn't won our hearts either. Our other couple, the ones from college? Yeah, they decide it's time for a makeout session in the bathroom. Excellent timing. Tyler takes over as leader right away while his girlfriend seems to try and out-tough him by running to the car. She's a bitch, so she'll die. I don't think Tyler will be too broken up either. Allow me to make note that our zombies aren't very ambitious, but our chick, the one with Tyler, she's apparently a gymnast?! She does all sorts of flips and crap to thwart the zombies. Tyler gets his ass chewed up, but we don't know why He was ten times tougher than his girlfriend, who stays in her car. Joss spends most of the movie now sitting on his ass nursing his leg wound. He sucks even more now. She reaches out of the car to get Tyler for some unknown reason and she gets eaten too.

Now we get a backstory and a bunch of crap like that, but it's really not good enough to really mention. I guess I should mention it since it's been going on for like 10 minutes now, but I promise you're not missing anything. Remember the guy who blew up the town in the beginning? He did it to live forever, but he's confined to a bed, where it looks like he's playing with himself under the sheets. He's not a zombie, but the zombies come and eat him after Alicia leads them to him. They actually had him say, "Oh what a world!" How insanely awful is that? I guess the zombies ate their fill and left. Too bad they only needed to eat three people. How strange? Needless to say, Joss and the leading lady get outta town in one piece and that was about it. There as a lot of legend-style stuff that was really an insult to us and Mexican folklore. Boy, I really have to make these reviews shorter. I'm feeling like you reading this is just as bad as me watching it.