no, neither of them wear those outfits through the whole thing

Once in a while we are blessed with a plot that is so insanely bad that you really wonder who in their right mind would fund/act in/write/distribute it. When you're lucky they have great names too. One such example would be our classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space. A new one to add to the list is Piñata: Survival Island (AKA Demon Island). Never before have I wanted to copy a video and mail it out to Kyle, Greg, and Lindsay before I even watched it.

Our film opens with a legend-styled story, akin to Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood. It's about a village that runs into a drought which yields famine. The only water they have is used to mold clay. Most of the village dies and they kill a pig then drop its heart into the clay Piñata they've been working on. For the record, a Piñata is directly translated as a vessel. Now what happens is the spiritual villagers think that the plague and drought is a curse from the gods, so the head guy takes the evil from their hearts and puts it into the Piñata, then they send it down the river. Presumably the town is returned to normal and everyone lives happily ever after. Lightening hits the Piñata though(?!) and it's ready to come to life if it's awakened, but who would do that?! That's right-- Cinco de Mayo partiers!

When we see Jamie Pressly, our love from Poison Ivy 3, we know she's gonna get naked at some point, but since we're on TV, there's no need to get excited. She stars alongside Nicholas Brendon, who you know as Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and... well nothing else. I'm turned off by our group right away when we find out that they're part of some fraternity/sorority thing, which just adds more lame elements to the story. There's a relationship gone awry between Jamie Pressly and Nick Brendon. They are an estranged couple. There's a lot of poorly acted tension between them.

Listen. I have no patience for the whole fraternity/sorority thing, so the games they play are no where near endearing, cute, or funny. That said, our island challenge for the teens is to find as many pairs of underwear they can. The underwear is scattered across the island, so our kids are teamed up and handcuffed together and the competition begins. Of course Jamie and Xander are teamed up and they just sit and pout the whole time. We follow a sweet innocent blonde and her teammate who look like they're going first. Blonde finds Piñata floating in the mud of the island. Maybe they'll rub it and evil will come out? Somehow they know that it's a Piñata. I've never seen a clay Piñata before, but apparently they have. They crack the sucker open with a rock and wind kicks up a big storm of evil. The Piñata grabs a stick and beats the team to death.

As we've all learned from film, not showing the monster is the best route. These guys didn't know that-- they dressed up Ed Gale as a Piñata. You'd know Ed as one of the less popular midget actors in Hollywood. He's played such parts as the little man in O Brother, Where Art Thou? and Chuckie's stunt double in Child's Play. The innocent blonde escapes the Piñata's wrath. She find another team and asks for their help. They think she's just trying to win the competition, so they dismiss her as she runs away screaming. I think the chick on this team is Tressa DiFiglia, Xander's real-life wife. She's not the best looking cast member, and she doesn't look like a real teen, so she must be related. No one believes our hot blonde, so she's a total wreck over the whole thing.

The underwear pillaging continues as we have another girl die. Did I mention the teams are handcuffed together? Yeah, so half of that team is literally dead weight. He can't go too far, so they're both killed with a shovel by the Piñata. Cut to Xander blessed with the good fortune of having Jamie Pressly sitting on his shoulders. She's reaching for underwear. There's an easy joke there, but I won't insult your intelligence. Our competition leaders have dirt bikes and they're driving around looking for Bob, the first dead guy. No one seems suspicious at the fog on the desert island, but I'm concerned about the whole thing about fog being impossible in such a climate. Regardless-- they find Bob. He's tied up to a tree-- like a Piñata, but how? He's a midget-monster!

The only person to leave this movie alive (careerwise)* is this one lady, Julia Mendoza, who went on to have a role in soap shitter Passions. Now her partner's killed by the Piñata by having his balls apparently squeezed to death. That's a weak kill in my opinion, especially because the Piñata has no sexual past to make up for or a fervent disgust of men. It's worthless and unmotivated. Wait-- no, that's the writing staff.

I think the whole point of having this many cast members is to have the body count, but since they're cuffed together, there's no point. They get killed in teams. We see one get killed, then cut away as the other is killed. No payoff at all. Meanwhile, back at the camp, Xander and Jamie hook back up to a lovely couple again. The leaders are looking to warn everyone and get off the island. I doubt that will work. The camera work is real shotty on this steamer. I know I could do better. Someone really needs to give me a few million bucks. Our leaders are dead. They didn't get killed yet, but you know they will be. They're on dirt bikes, but the Piñata can still outrun them, and it seems to mutate into some CGI clawed Piñata. When the lady-leader is thrown from her bike, which crashes, the explosion is HUGE. Greg would love that since it wouldn't happen. When they run on foot, the Piñata slows down too, lucky for them. The chase goes on, but they die. No notable kills yet, but I think the Piñata has a boomerang axe(?). I'm gonna fast forward. We've only got an hour done so far. It's mind-numbing

Night falls and at the camp Xander and the ladies chit chat about the legend of the killer Piñata, which Xander just happens to be an expert on. Two more make it back to camp so our count is 5 living people on the island. Would you believe this shit is on AMC? Yes, American Movie Classics. So the 5 go to look for their 6 dead friends because they don't know they're dead. Hey here's something funny-- the crazy blonde? He name's Lara Boyd Rhodes and her bio in IMDB was written by Tressa Brendon, Xander's real-life wife. What a close group we have here. Investigate, investigate, bad dialogue, a dead deer (ON A DAMN ISLAND OFF THE COAST OF MEXICO?!?), pick off one by one, more poor dialogue, bad acting, a pee break, decapitation, screaming, running, blah, blah, blah. Xander steps up as only three are left.

By the way, Jamie Pressly ruled in Tomcats. Am I right? Hey-- they found the female leader. She's alive. The crazy blonde makes a run for it. She wants to swim to Mexico. Too bad she's the stupidest woman ever. She climbs into a tent with the Piñata and well, if this tent's a rockin'... Now the Piñata is a disembodied head chasing Jamie Pressly through the woods. She has to live though, or her and Xander won't live happily ever after. Jamie Pressly seems like a good runner as she goes through the woods. Now the Piñatas look like the The Langoliers from that movie. No, now he's back to Piñata form-- and it's night time. That was a short day.

Run, run, etc. Now they have to "stop being the hunted and do the hunting," as Xander puts it. They're going to do something, but how the hell do they know how to kill a Piñata? HA! They're going to burn it. I love the music too. It's like generic thriller music with a lame dance beat behind it. Sweet God when will this be over? I do this for you guys. The torture... oh... They set a trap at camp like right out of Sooby Doo. I have my reservations about their gasoline fuse working in the dry sand, but what do I know? This monster is so stupid by the way. It looks different every time we see it and it's far too pointy for my liking. They catch it in a booby trap and burn it up. I doubt that will work. YOu can't burn pure evil, can you?

Nope, because the blanket will burn through and the Piñata will get out. While Xander fights the Piñata, Jamie Pressly makes a molotov cocktail. Why not do that in the first place?! She drops it on the Piñata and he explodes. Why? Well clearly he was made of combustibles. Perhaps it was explosive clay? To top this whole shitfest off, the campus police come to clean up. Not the real police. The group doesn't want to talk about what happened, and honestly neither do I. Still, the police don't seem to mind, and cut to black. Huh?

Piñata is a movie that you could watch with a group of people and never be at a loss for jokes and laughter, but when you watch it alone it's very pathetic. It really makes me feel lonely, but hey, I still got you, right? Rent it? No. Buy it? Lord no. Catch it on TV at 3:00 AM? Not even. If you're awake, sure, but don't dare go through any legitimate effort to see this movie because it's really just not very good. There was small-scale star power too. That's harsh. In a word: Failure.

As discussed with Greg, Jamie Pressly will always have a career as long as she's able to take off her clothes.