Bandidas (2006)
By: Pete Phillips
July 22, 2007

the women are hot, the action is hotter. the weather's pretty hot too, in mexico

I'll tell you what makes Bandidas so bad in one sentence:
Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz star, but Steve Zahn gets naked.

Okay, naked may not be accurate-- we'll get there when we get there-- but Bandidas does star two hot Latin actresses and one hit-or-miss comedic actor (and one former country star turned small-time actor, Dwight Yoakam). It was written, mostly, by the team responsible for The Transporter, so we know it would be better if it was in a foreign language. Sadly, it's in English.

Steve Zahn's role is master detective. Not as convincing as a moron in Happy Texas and Saving Silverman (immortal easy-comic classics). Oh, but Zahn adds science to his police work. He's like the first forensic policeman. How appropriate for today's generation! Dwight Yoakam is the thug for the local bank, which is looking to kick over some farms and build a strip mall or parking lot. Just kidding, it's only "turn of the century Mexico." Maybe lay train tracks? That was big back then, right? Whatever.

Guess what two mega-hot babes live in the town that needs to be leveled for the miscellaneous business deal? Penelope Cruz talks to her horse, by the way. And the horse does talk back (but not out loud-- like aliens in Independence Day, not Kangaroo Jack in a dream sequence). I don't think Penelope Cruz did any of her own stunts. We know Salma Hayek can do her own stuff. Desperado. Nice.

Right off the bat, blue-collar Cruz clashes with upper-class Hayek. Sorry-- they have real character names in the movie, just not here in the review. Salma Hayek's dad is the guy who's making the business deal, thereby indirectly causing this mess on the town-- people getting shot and farms getting burned. When Hayek sees one murder first-hand, she knows that her dad's in the wrong. Cruz's dad is already dead! In a sudden shocker-- Hayek's dad dies too (Yoakam kills him and takes his business plan).

I think these two ladies should team up and have curious lesbian sex. Instead, they'll fight for justice by robbing banks (banks owned by the people who Yoakam works for, or by Yoakam himself-- I'm not sure, really). It starts off easy enough. Salma's strapped for cash, so she robs a bank. Ha-ha! Penelope Cruz is already in the process of robbing it! The wacky irony! They team up and make out. Just kidding! I'm gonna do that a lot.

Motivation is the quandary after the robbery-- Salma robbed for revenge to finance an escape to Europe, but Penelope wants to give to the people, like a hot, Mexican, female Robin Hood. It's not long before they're at each other's throats in a church and slightly wet. The priest takes the ladies out to a camp where all the people of the town are living in great discomfort. They seem to be having a pretty okay time though.

The two bicker at each other as the priest mediates. He never points out that stealing is against the Lord's law, but that's not the first inconsistency we have here. Penelope Cruz' dad didn't die either, for the record. He was just shot in the chest, I guess.

How will two ladies rob all these banks? They'll be trained to by Bill Buck, who has robbed forty-some banks in his life. Thank goodness for Bill Buck, who makes them do pushups in water. I don't get it either, other than a reason to get them wet for the viewer. In order to find out who's robbing banks, Dwight Yoakam calls in Steve Zahn. Soon, Bill Buck assures his girls that they're ready to do some bank robbing. Start montage.

Steve Zahn is suspicious of Yoakam right away. He investigates Salma Hayek's dad's murder before he even gets to work on the bank robberies. He knows Mr. Hayek was poisoned. Steve Zahn passes the time and familiarizes himself with the locals by seeing the fun at the local hotel. When Penelope and Salma show up at his room, dressed as cleavage-y show girls, Zahn drops his towel and we have to see his ass. Salma and Penelope try to get some information out of Zahn by way of blackmail. The director chose to hide Salma's boobs most of the movie, which is mean, but they come out when she's all showgirly. Then they keep kissing Steve Zahn. It's sort of creepier than it is hot.

Hey, they really are laying a railroad. I'm good.

They also recycle some footage while Steve Zahn connects the dots that he already suspected. Oh, here's a twist-- Steve Zahn is engaged to the daughter of the President of the Bank of New York (the bad guys). It took 51 whole minutes before Yoakam called the women "bitches." Pretty impressive, huh? Yoakam is pillaging the towns and bringing in sub-thugs to keep eyes on the banks. As the women feel down (emotionally), Steve Zahn lifts them up (again, emotionally).

No one asks or addresses Penelope Cruz talking to her horse. And now Hayek talks to her dog too? Some silly running gag to keep the comedy going. Steve Zahn is helping a lot now. He came up with a plan to pretend to be married to Cruz. Salma rides her horse up a ladder and across a wooden plank to end up on the roof of the bank. Uh-oh. Cruz is killing people now-- at least shooting them-- mostly bad guys though. There was some sort of impractical scene that I could lay out for you, but it wouldn't be worth the effort.

Yoakam is getting some heat from the high-ranking locals, who keep some money in his banks. Dwight Yoakam is one unattractive man. These chicks keep making out with Steve Zahn. It's so bogus!

Anyway, Yoakam installs a floor system rigged to an alarm, so if anyone walks on it, it goes off and they kill the robbers. Salma Hayek is smart though, educated in Europe and all, so she throws on some... ready? Ice skates! She's going to go down the one-inch seam between the floor boards. They find a whole lot of money. I don't know why no one thinks of flashing the bad guys. I mean, really, I know it's not the most sexually balanced way to go, but it would work. I do respect Salma's credibility in saving her boobs for art house flicks, but it surely would've prevented them from getting caught!

While the gang is on their way to being executed, they bicker and argue like nothing's wrong. They're saved by the people! They're official folk heroes now. Yoakam teams up with the local government and moves the Mexican gold reserve to Texas. Apparently it's not logical to rob Texas banks. Instead, they'll steal the gold off of a train. No one ever addresses the weight of gold in movies. You can't have two women picking up three banks worth of gold and walking away. Hopefully Steve Zahn has some pulley system ready to roll.

I'm sorry, but I didn't pay enough attention to know how they got on the train. All I know is that Yoakam just kicked the governor of Mexico off the back of the train. What that means, I do not know. They did re-rout the train away from Texas though, so Dwight's trying to steal the gold. Then there's a slow-motion shootout, complete with whirring bullets and ringing knives. Dwight Yoakam escapes out the back, but he won't get too far with our girls on the case. Another shootout amidst bars of gold. The horses save the day in the end, by catching Dwight and kicking him off.

Salma Hayek comes to a startling realization and speaks it straight out loud when she says that she can't kill anyone because she'll be just as bad as Yoakam. She does anyway, but it was under extreme circumstances. Steve Zahn's blonde fiance doesn't seem to care that he's been rolling around with two Latin bombshells for the past few weeks. He hops on the train and heads to America, leaving behind Mexico and her beautiful women.

And what of our sexy, Mexican, female Robin Hoods? They hint at running off to Europe to rob banks. I can't expect that there will be enough steam for a sequel, but it would be a hell of a good one when these two ladies are old-- like Grumpy Old Latinas.

All in all, this movie is only memorable for having both Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek and all the sexual frustration that goes along with it for male viewers. Maybe next nipple-- I mean next time.

I did learn how to spell Hayek right though. I'd say that's good takeaway value!