...not a fan...

FX is a network that is great because they shamelessly show Fox movies. This isn't always bad, but in many cases it is. Tonight's screen gem, for example, is Swimfan, which is not to be confused with Swimming Pool, an artsy French flick that is just short of softcore porn, which you can find at any video store (not because I own it, but because I make it a hobby to peruse pre-viewed movies at any location available. Swimfan was never an option for me, so this is a treat from FX. This is apparently a confusing film because it seems to have very respectable characteristics, but falls flat. I'll be the judge of that.

Swimfan tells the story of Ben, a swimmer who is in high school. He's right on the verge of graduating and his whole future is ahead of him. It all rests on his swim performance at the big meet. Heh- big meet. What? I had to. So Ben is all swimmy and stuff and he's a nice enough guy. His girlfriend's smokin' hot, but for some reason he's gonna get sucked in by this uglier chick who just transferred to the school, Madison. She's got some strange dimple-mouth thing going on. Anyway, Ben is the first dude she meets so she falls head over heels for him.

As if Ben isn't good enough, he's also a nurse or volunteer at the local hospital. What a man. If I was a chick-- now let's not get distracted. Anyway, his girlfriend's cute enough to keep me happy as a man, but she's all over Ben like white on rice, to use a tired cliche. Despite the far-reaching popularity of Ben, he does seem to have a couple people who might not like him. In case this turns into a mystery, Ben's friend Josh could be a suspect. Ben's driving home and he checks out some blond and almost kills Madison, who's crossing the street. To make up, he innocently offers to drive her home to make up for the near-murder. So Ben is much like any good guy, he has a girl who treats him great, but his eyes still stray sometimes. It's no thang though. Yes, no thang. Madison left her notebook in Ben's car, and Ben can't resist opening it. She writes music and has his initials on one page. He goes to return it. By this stage the nice guy routine is gone. He's interested in this chick, and I have no clue why.

Madison is staying with Christopher Dante, the anti-popular kid. He's a possible suspect in a pending mystery too. He looks like Charlie O'Connell, but he's not. He's James DeBello, the asshole guy from Cabin Fever. Madison pushes on Ben and they go out to eat. Madison lays it on pretty thick, but Ben tries to stay firm. They play off of each other with innuendoes and end up back at the pool, where the horned up Madison asks for a "swim lesson."

As a bad movie side note, Ben is played by Jesse Bradford, the star of Clockstoppers. That's on my must-see list by the way. Every Nickelodeon movie is. His girlfriend is Shiri Appleby, star of Roswell and featured in SciFi Original Dark Light, about a young woman with mystical powers. And not to be outdone, Madison (Erika Christensen) was in The Perfect Score, the one about stealing SAT scores. Alas, She is only one year older than me and she's got a lot more going for her, so there ya go. Our most famous actor us Dan Hedaya, who starred in the Coen Brother's classic Blood Simple.

Ben's lost the good guy title, but she was pushing really hard-- not that this is any excuse for Ben. While they're getting it on in the school pool (not cool), Madison makes Ben say he loves her. Ben goes on with the whole cheating thing with absolutely no thought of telling the truth. He does feel guilty though. Ben's got women throwing himself at him. That would be crazy. Sometimes it's good to be the fat kid. And speaking of fat kid, I need a snack. Now listen, I'll catch you up on what you missed when I'm done.

There was some party situation in which Madison tried to jump Ben's bones again. She's so horned up and he's so desperate to be a good guy that she's only gonna go crazy and stalk him. Ben is totally getting stalked by the next day. It's affecting his swimming too, thus affecting his entire future. When he gets home from swim practice, Madison's there. She's a loon. We don't get the feeling that she's creepy though, I only get her as annoying. Ben confronts the situation, but tries to keep the diplomatic good-guy role. The end of the conversation is basically, "Nailing you was a bad idea and you have to leave me alone." She gives in, with a bit of hurt. No one wants to hear that people don't want them to be their friend, especially when Ben's dropping the hammer completely, like not even acquaintances. Mayhem must ensue.

That night Madison sulks and Ben wakes up to a messy car and 81 new emails from Swimfan85, AKA Madison, with nudie picture attachments. Ben should just start hitting her. That would turn her off, right? That's how the Lifetime movies go. So Madison starts screwing around with Josh, and it looks like Randy soon too. She's a total skank, but she doesn't want to be known as one. Some critics say that this film is heavy on atmosphere and light on the story details. I tend to disagree--it's flat on all accounts. Madison keeps coming back and getting burned. She turns into a part-time psycho and I think she's gonna try and hurt Amy (the girlfriend) soon. Ben starts to be a jerk to his hospital buddies as well as everyone else. Once he finishes being a jerk to one guy, he up and dies. What a bastard. Okay, he didn't die, but it was a close one.

Ben's ready to come clean to Amy, but uh-oh-- Madison beats him to the punch, or should I say slap? Oh! Ben's the biggest tool in the school. Amy leaves him in the dust. Good for him. Now Madison will try to be there for him, but she did ruin his life and all. Oh, Josh hates him now too because he nailed his girlfriend. Now it's the day of the big meet, but there is still 45 minutes of the movie left. There was a pee test though-- I bet she rigged his pee so that he's on steroids. Josh helped Madison do it. It was a crappy move. What I didn't tell you was that Ben's a reformed minor druggie. They all believe that he lapsed back into drugs, so he's totally screwed on that. Anyway, he breaks down and gets back to Amy, who seems to believe his story, but doesn't want to acknowledge it. While Madison and Josh are saucing it up in the car, she says, "Oh Ben," and then it hits the fan for her too. We got about a half hour left, and that should be plenty of time for an attempt on Ben's life.

There's no body count in this psychological thriller in which no one on the creative staff seemed to take psychology. Nope-- Josh is dead. Ben sneaks into the house and finds a box with news clippings about his swimming success. Christopher sneaks Ben out the back door and passes him a box full of clippings from other presumably dead sports stars. Chris takes Ben to see a baseball player hooked up to a respirator while Madison goes to mow down Amy with Ben's car. Ben's an idiot. Amy gets rammed from behind (oh!) and the cops are out to get Ben. I would expect a rejected love not to ruin Ben's entire life, just make it so he needs her. Madison's a misled loon though. She has no cred as a real psycho.

Turns out Madison got this one baseball player into a car accident and she always expected him to recover. He didn't, so she left him and decided to get plowed by a swimmer instead. What Ben does though is dress up like the baseball player to get Madison to come out of the hospital and away from Amy. She fell for it because a psycho's weakness is her mind. They have a showdown, they get it on tape, everyone ends pretty happy, except Madison, who's getting carted off to jail. She escaped though, after killing two cops-- wtf?!-- and heads back to seek revenge. This is a mess by now, and it has ten minutes to get worse.

Madison's an escaped, gun-toting nut who sneaks into Ben's house and knocks him and his mom out. Mom's alive, and that bitch Madison is lucky she is-- you don't mess with mom. Now Ben's on a mad rush because Madison took Amy. So Madison pushes Amy into a pool while tied to a wheelchair and then he has to get her out. She'd cuffed and he can't get her out, but wait-- he's a locksmith! He gets her out only to come up for air right where Madison is swatting with an ore. Now listen-- you don't have ores at the school pool. It's a pool, not a lake. Convenient writing trick number 48, Madison can't swim. Then don't get obsessed with a swimmer. She drowns and everyone lives happily ever after. Ding dong, yahoo. This is like Domestic Disturbance. What makes it so awful is its complete and utter ability to be forgotten for being so sub-mediocre.

Of course, the shameless ending of Ben going to another swim meet, but not swimming, and getting in the car only to hold hands with Amy makes this the most misplaced scene in the entire movie. It would've been better to fade to black on Madison's floating body. Oh well. It's called a bad movie for a reason, right?