i could do better than this. i know i could. just give me the crew and the money. i can do it!

From the producer of Sabertooth, we now have Attack of the Sabertooth (no continuation). The original Sabertooth fell short, despite an all star cast including Vanessa Angel and John Rhys-Davies, because of a lame ending and a premise involving fossilized DNA of an original Sabertooth tiger. How will they have the beast in Attack of the Sabertooth? Who really knows. This time we have college kids though. It just started and the sabertooth just killed a guy-- so we know for the rest of the movie that it's a killer. The opening credits look like PowerPoint slide text effects. I would do that if I had a movie. We have a rich guy on an island, and I damn well bet that there's a sabertooth tiger or two on the island too. The rich guy has an assistant of some sort that is horrible at acting. Like grade-school play quality here... There's a big security department on the island, complete with cameras and guards and everything. The rich guy's former brother-in-law comes to the island, but he's a big tool, so we don't like him.

Niles, the guy I've been calling "the rich guy," goes to the hotel. I don't think he owns it, so we'll call him Niles now, not the rich guy. There seems to be some sort of island resort that these people are on. There are a lot of people . When we meet our college students we have our stereotypes right in line. Black girl who's grounded, asian guy, jock, smart girl, and more I'm sure. The students appear to be on some sort of competition, but with few details. We do learn that Niles owns and manages the hotel though. The actor playing him, Nicholas Bell, doesn't seem like a bad actor-- then I looked him up-- he played Zordon in the Power Rangers Movie. It seems like these guys are fraternity/sorority pledges. Now as for the security department, I'm a little confused. The female security specialist has to get some guy to stop fixing something because he set off the security alarm, then she's on the floor having sex with him. She's not a bad looking lady, but I wouldn't expect that from a security person.

Our assistant guy ends up in the Sabertooth fence because he's annoying and stupid. It's his own fault really. He finds the site where the other dude was killed, then he gets killed. I zoned out for a bit while I researched the actors. I didn't find much. Niles is now presenting to his guests his new park, Primal Park or something like that, who knows? He also says that his park will have the greatest zoo ever-- one with pre-historic animals. It would be awesome if they had dinosaurs, and they had some guests come onto the island and the dinosaurs killed them. The hero could be Jeff Goldblum, he's not busy anymore, and ooh-- Newman could be there and mess it all up for everyone. That's an awesome movie idea. Let me go jot that down. Niles tells the people that if they invest in his park, they can have an animal named after them. Savannah, the hot whore of a security guard, climbs off the maintenance man for long enough to find out that the gate was left open and she tells Niles. He can't risk losing all these kids and all this money, so he tells them to take care of it-- the investors stay.

Our college kids are around hunting for items. Apparently they each need to grab an item that they got written on a card in an envelope. They wanna get in to their sorority/fraternity, so this is how they do it. These college kids are stupid. I think I like the black girl the best. She seems the coolest, despite her naivety. She and the asian guy might hook up-- assuming they live long enough! Mwah-ha-ha. So three people made it to this open gate and they all go inside and leave it wide open. No one closes the gate and no one's smart enough to stay the hell out of the GIANT SABERTOOTH GATE! Oh wait-- this is kinda' funny. The kids need to find their stuff, so they break into a mall. When the alarm goes off the asian guy hacks into the security system and shuts it down-- shuts down the entire island. Great move. Magically all the gates open and the cats can move about freely. They don't know that though-- they're only cats. But it's cool because the people are coming to them anyway. The guy who Savannah was doing goes in and some other random guy is in there too. They seem to think they took care of things, but they're so dead.

We got some back story on Savannah. Apparently she's the island doorknob and she's had three guys before this current guy. Each guy died a horrible death, mysteriously. The guy is worried, but oh well. I'm counting him out anyway. If Savannah helped the college kids I would buy that, but her and her boyfriend couldn't live along with the college kids. Some people have to die!

This whole back story with the finding items to get into a fraternity is so lame. It surpasses the ludicrous plot in Sabertooth. At least those guys were on a camping trip gone bad. These kids are on a stupid trip in the first place, and they ironically come in contact with a big Sabertooth tiger. Great. When the college kids get flushed out of the open and into hiding places, the asian guy and the blonde we don't know or care about find cat fetuses, which I was surprised to find out weren't cat festusi. When the chick is disgusted by the fetuses, she runs away and gets killed by the sabertooth. It's pretty gruesome. Asian guy makes it in time to see her head get lopped off. When he goes to hide he jumps into some cryogenic chamber or something. I'm confused about where he is, but who cares. I'm sure he'll live. The other two girls find the remains of the first one who got killed. They run and hide and run. It's useless. They have to die. But anyway, the girls team up with the guy who sleeps with Savannah-- they find the asian guy who locked himself in a freezer. They move on and scifi goes to commercial good call.

Okay, I really wanna take a nap. This movie's not doing it for me. It's got too many coincidences. Rich guy's passion is outdoing his brother-in-law, happens to have a sabertooth tiger, five college kids happen to come by on a silly mission, one happens to disable security, cats happen to stroll out of the gates, and dead bodies start to pile up. What always gets me about these movies-- like the snake, shark, and the animal movies, and all those-- is that they always attribute attack to hunger, but you always see the animal bite a kid in half, then move on. They never actually eat anyone. It's always bothered me. Sure, maybe you'd find some bones or a head or foot, but when the head, arms, legs, and torso are all spread out, then it didn't eat anything. It's just too much. While all this has been going on, the jock hooked up with some lady who got some of her stomach eaten by the Sabertooth.

Well the movie hit a new low. The technician tells everyone that there is another, bigger cat-- about a ton. The guy says, "That's a lotta pussy." What an awful cat-movie joke. I'd expect that in Garfield, but c'mon. The technician goes on to explain that "the cats are bulimic." Yes, that's what he said. They kill, they eat, they puke it up, and repeat. How damn convenient. The jock got killed. Ten minutes of movie left. I expect the goth girl to die. She's not very likable. You'd think Niles would die too, right? I mean he started it. Then again, a truly bad movie will wrap it up in ten minutes. I'm confident that this one will. OK, the technician died. Left over now, we have most of the guests, Savannah, Niles, Niles' brother-in-law and his date, Black girl, Asian guy, Goth chick, and Guy who slept with Savannah. Okay-- subtract the brit her-in-law. The date is sure to go any minute. They have six minutes to kill these things. But it's just going to end with a shot of a den full of Sabertooth cubs anyway-- I just know it. Niles is gotta get killed now. He doesn't get killed by the tiger though, he gets killed by faulty construction of his building with effects right out of Roger Rabbit.

Oh wait-- I'm sorry. There's two minutes left. We have all those people left (most of the guests, Savannah, Niles' brother-in-law's date, Black girl, Asian guy, Goth chick, and Guy who slept with Savannah). You'd think-- what? Another hour?! Nope-- it just ends. They shoot the big cat and Savannah goes, "That's it?" and the other dude goes "Yep, I shot the other one back there-- it probably crawled off some where to die. Let's not look for it though. I mean if we do that, then there might be resolution to the plot. Nah, there wouldn't anyway because the audience would never know if we'll stay together, if the asian guy and black chick hook up, or what comes of the kids and the island in the first place, or how we'll get off and head home. Let's just cut to the brother in law's date getting killed and call this a wrap." And they do. Shameful.