is there a winning side?

It's coming to a point where I have to accept what I've become. Four years ago I decided that it would never come to this, but it's come too soon and I can't escape it. I may have to turn in my two license plates for a new one-- I may have to become an official Pennsylvanian driver. This means much more to me than it may mean to you, but you could be Pennsylvanian for all I know. You're already afflicted. It's the difference between a crack baby and a crack addict. The addict chose the life, but the baby was born into it-- they couldn't help it.

In Pennsylvania there's an aversion for New Jersey drivers. We're thought of as reckless and defensive. This is usually because we are, but it takes more to get to us than it does our PA counterparts. A New Jersey driver is like a stick of dynamite. You light the fuse and let it burn, and one day it will blow. In PA, drivers are more like those pop-caps you can get at carnivals: impulsive, obnoxious, and irritating. Now if you ask me, I prefer the build up and explosion compared to the frequent and repetitive smaller explosions.

In New Jersey, for example, you could pull up next to someone in bumper to bumper traffic and look over at the driver next to you the wrong way and get shot. That's crazy. But you don't know the guy who shot you. You could have been the cheery on top of his shitty-day sundae and you would've had it coming to you. And he/she probably wouldn't be upset when you sue him/her or shoot back, because damnit, they've just gotten to that point today. On the contrary, in PA you could be sitting at a red light and it could change green. If you aren't creeping or you don't have your car moving in .003 seconds, 70% of the time, the person behind you will lay on the horn. We're not talking short lights or dangerous intersections either. We're talking middle of nowhere all the way to city driving. Again, I'd rather get shot than have someone honk at me every time the light changes, because I'm a NJ driver; I'm a stick of dynamite. Those honks will soon add up, and I will soon blow.

One of the other surefire ways to piss off a Pennsylvanian driver is one of the safest things you can do on the road. When you drive towards an intersection and see a yellow light, stop before it turns red. I was told during my driving school that yellow means slow down, not speed up. In a more practical setting I was told that if your time permits; you should stop, if it just changes yellow, you can go; and if you’re not sure—stop. If you take the action to stop with a Pennsylvanian driver, be sure to look into your rear view. You’ll get one of the best free shows you can find in the country. I try to stop and be careful more often than I speed through, because I don’t mind keeping my car and insurance in tact. I try to drive safely and that doesn’t make me ashamed at all.

I drive in NJ and display it with pride, on both ends of my car, because we don't trust anyone in NJ. If you rear-ended my car, in order to escape you'd have to back up. If you did that in PA, you'd be totally anonymous. If you did it in NJ, your ass is caught-- I dare you to leave the scene! If someone tries to run you down, give up telling the police a partial plate, because you missed it in PA-- oh, unless they were running you down backwards, by all means that's fine. But you hear me well; in NJ we'll have you nailed no matter which way you're running us down. Why would you only need one plate anyway? You can be damn sure that if I get one plate I expect it to be half the price of two plates. Then again, if it is the same, it would only be one more illogical thing in a state where logic is thought of as an endangered species more than mental skill.

Logic is not a strong point in this area, though I don't want you to assume that this is because other systems of thought are higher. I seem to function well on my own in this land where chaos is the leading order. So maybe I can pass this driving test in one try, as compared to the four it took in NJ. Yes, I failed the written test three times in New Jersey, and in PA, I wear that badge proud. How many beers means your drunk? What's the shot-to-beer equivalent if shot X has .05% alcohol and beer Y has .25%? When a driver in the left hand lane sticks his arm out the window and over the top of the car, what does that mean? I have no idea. I can only imagine PA's multiple choice questions would involve cooking a deer if you run it over instead of reporting an accident, pulling it to the side of the road, or calling Animal Control.

As a PA driver I will have to not pay attention to what's going on around me 60% of the time and for the other 40% I'll have to watch lights change and learn the soft spots on my horn-- oh wait, that's all over the steering wheel. I'll also have to plead total ignorance when I leave the state and go to New Jersey. I'll have to pull over and cry when I reach jug handles or circles and fiercely compete when it seems that I'm not the craziest driver on the road. When I speed in PA I'll get sympathy because the cop knows I'm a fellow statesman, instead of him having a grudge against NJ and taking it out on me.

Highways covered in the most miserable excuse for paving I've ever seen will only compete for my affection against the pothole-ridden streets of the "city" I live in. Of course on those highways half of the distance will be under construction, apparently by ghost workers who seem to work cheaper than human beings. Twice in the past three months I've actually seen people working in construction zones. And while I putter by at the posted 45 mph speed limit, the Pennsylvanians laugh as they pass me because they can get out of the tickets. No one hates them for living in the bottom half of a state known for offensive drivers and flexible traffic laws. On my last trip on the turnpike, with my average speed being 71 mph, I was passed by a total of 75 cars. That sounds like an estimate, but I have the tabulation to prove it.

But if the job is in PA, if that's where the money's coming from, do I settle? Do I get the new license and move ahead? Should I look down in my photo so that people realize I'm ashamed to own such an ID? Will that make it hurt any less? It's a dilemma. I struggle with this every day, and I think the only safe answer came to me quite recently. Maybe it's not about where you are; maybe it's about who you are. Sure, I'm living in PA, but I'm from New Jersey. I learned to drive in New Jersey. I got in my first accident in NJ and I have never gotten a ticket there. Does that make me any more Pennsylvanian?

If I moved to Mexico, would I be Mexican? Is there something to be said on a micro-level for those annoying people that go on and on about Irish pride? Perhaps that's exactly it. Maybe they're like cartoon versions of how we all should be. Just like Daffy Duck is an exaggeration of frustration and anger, perhaps these people are the overblown variant of an original that we should all try to be. Then again, they are annoying when they attribute all character flaws to ethnicity.

I've settled though. I'm a New Jersey driver if only for the fact that I drive best in New Jersey. When I drive in PA I feel unnerved. People drive stranger, they freak out at small things, they have new signs that are open to interpretation, and they have poor judgment. In New Jersey, I play a sport, and in South Jersey I'm on a team. In Pennsylvania I'm showing up to soccer practice with a bat. In the end, no matter where I live, I'll be a New Jersey driver, and I'll keep working until I become famous enough to have a professional driver. Then, none of these things will matter anyway.