the taxi poster... whatev

Long ago I was faced with a terrible decision: rent Taxi or Catwoman. I thought that both would be terrible, but at least one has Halle Berry in tights. I watched the movie and it was truly terrible. Lucky for me, life is into giving me second chances. HBO has lined up Taxi, then Catwoman.

Now, remember when I had to make that choice? Well I picked Catwoman for Halle Berry in tights (because acting, plot, production, etc. were not even to be considered). Soon after renting, I remembered that Taxi's bad guys is a group of Brazilian supermodels. Of course Taxi's best part is Jennifer Esposito-- she's the looker of the movie. Oh sure, Queen Latifah, big beauty, blah-blah-blah, but she's opposite Jimmy Fallon. While you'd think he would make her look good, they really just downplay each other to mediocrity.

Jimmy Fallon is a bumbling detective with very little promise. He got his car taken away from all the bumbling, then he happens to hook up with ol' Queen Latifah. They happen to fall onto a case involving bank robbers, only one of which is really that cute. Chase scenes, Brazilian babes, and stupid Jimmy Fallon humor? What more could we ask for?!

I'll admit, my day has been so slow that I'm getting a chuckle or two out of this. It's mostly because the premise and execution is so ridiculous. Queen Latifah's life is a mess because of Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon's life is a mess because of Jimmy Fallon. SNL is a mess because of Jimmy Fallon. Thanks.

So the robbers rob, Jimmy and the Queen chase, they robbers get away, the two get yelled at. This happens a few times. Queen Latifah teaches Jimmy Fallon how to drive, because he was traumatized as a child. All the whole we're hoping against hopes that the writers don't try to set up some love connection. Luckily Queen Latifah's boyfriend comes back into the picture.

After some detective work that the FBI can't handle, our dynamic duo track down a trash man and the robbers gear up for one last hit. You don't really mind the robbers. I mean first, they're hot. They're not super-hot, but it's enough to get them by. Next, they're clever. They have great planning skills. They're also ruthless. That sounds like they have the modern woman all wrapped up tight, huh?

The last stand, the supermodels take a hostage-- a kid. Our heroic, majorly attractive lieutenant (Esposito) offers herself as a trade. Now there's one super-hot woman in a car with four hot chicks. They're just piling them on here, eh? Meanwhile, Queen Latifah calls her friends at the bicycle delivery company. They're spread throughout the city-- surely they can find them! I mean there are more bike messengers than cops in New York, right?

our true hero, jennifer esposito

In some sort of theatre or some crap, the home team girls come back and the girls are gonna lose their money or some crap like that. Who knows? I'm wasting my life away here. Our true favorite in the movie is Ann-Margret, who plays Jimmy Fallon's fun-drunk mom. Seriously though, Jennifer Esposito. I mean, she came outta no where. Like four hot bank robbers are supposed to be hot-- you don't make the head cop 100 times hotter.

For our grand finale, we need two things: a blue screen and a bunch of road cones. The ladies end up on a half-completed bridge and Queen Latifah gets shot. What's more important is that Jennifer Esposito is fine. She is alive and well, and still super-hot.

When all is done, the Queen is a married NASCAR driver and Esposito is in a tight leopard print dress. I should say it's a happy ending for all. Even Ann-Margret made it for the end. Thank goodness for good-looking women, or Taxi could've been a total wash.

Read about Catwoman now...