not as bad as the photoshop gig on the cover

You ever wonder what the worst movie I could find is? I do sometimes. I always impress myself with my effort and dedication to serve you website readers too. Today, for example, we're debuting what promises to be a teriffic addition to my movie collection: Monster Man. Now I know, "What a lame ass title. Was Killer Man taken?" but tell me, what else would you call a man who murders... while driving a Monster Truck!?! Check, and mate.

Monster Man starts with the murder of a victim, where all good horror flicks eventually go. The death, a head-in- the vice-grip, is cheap. It's not an expensive death, but surely anyone who has worked with vices or anything like them, has thought of getting their head stuck in them... or is that just me? From there we go to our protagonists: a nerdy dude and a fun-loving arrogant guy. They drive on a highway in a desert-looking landscape. Nerdy guy didn't want fun guy to come, but he's coming-- and you can't stop him now. Nerdy guy is in love with a woman, but the fun guy knows that she doesn't want him to have anything to do with her. She used him for help in college, then dumped him to the side to marry someone new. The mood is set when an old hearse passes them and sends chills through the car.

The problems we run in to for a bad movie, aside from the title, is the fun guy-- who is also doubled as arrogrant guy. When they're in a bar for a break, arrogant guy causes a scene with the local rednecks. Oh... and the hearse was there... oooh. Anyway, the fun guy has too many layers to him. He's in it for the benefit of the nerdy guy, but he treats him like crap-- he also is loud and obnoxious, but we should like him because he's a protagonist. Of course, it helps when we consider Don Corleone. Was he so good? Wasn't he a killer and a thug? But we liked him, right? What does he have that this guy doesn't? How about depth and development. Ding! 200 points for me!

As the two men bicker the monster truck comes from no where. It tries to pass them in a way, but it's too damn big. No one pulls over in this situation, because that's what the DMV tells us to do. The fun guy turns into the wussy guy and he's nearly in tears while the monster truck rams them from behind until they go right off the road. The 70's station wagon makes it in one piece, but our heroes are not in one piece. Instead, they fight in a "comedic" style. It's an identity issue for the film, as it doesn't know whether it's a comedy or horror. Instead if the subtle comedy aspects in the midst of horror, it turns from scene to scene. It's a tactless way of being self-aware, like Halloween: Resurrection.

Since our guys broke a fuel line, they also ran out of gas, and they try to steal some from some random van, which they do. Once they get going, the creators start to realize that there's nothing to keep our sexual impulses interested in the movie. Enter hot hitchiker. Perhaps this will be the girl to break our nerd of his love for Mary Ann or something like that. I must note the fun guy does have some pretty funny lines, like he was written by a comparable obnoxious guy, but one of the funniest is in regards to the hitchiker: "That bellybutton ring is a sure sign that she is corrupted with horniness." This is funny because it gives a reason as to why she has a bellybutton ring, but also gives you the idea that this is why all women have them, which makes the US a happy place. Nerdy guy doesn't want to pick her up, but fun guy is all about getting some action. They pass her, but that's a shitty move.

Nerdy guy has to pee, so he uses the acclaimed roadside bathroom-- shamefully, it's number two. He's terrified, but more disheartened to encounter the ever-popular gloryhole in the men's room. Part of me saw this coming, but part of me didn't think they'd stoop so low on a Lion's Gate picture. When nerdy guy comes out to see that the monster truck has pulled into the rest stop, he panics and heads into the bathroom, but wait-- he's in the gloryhole stall. Uh-oh. Fun guy wakes up, since he was sleeping in the car, and he investigates the monster truck. In an actually clever parallel between monster truck opening hole and glory hole, we find out that the driver has a nasty mask and a scary set of eyes. When the guys think they're going to die, fun guy tells nerdy guy that he slept with Betty Ann-- not Mary Ann, woops. So that brings us up to speed-- NO, wait-- night in a highway motel. Ha! This oughta' be good.

Nerdy guy wants to call the cops since they just found the body in that camper/van they stole the gas from. Fun guy sys they shouldn't because they won't make it to Betty Ann's wedding in time. In the middle of the night, nerdy guy wakes up to find his hand burried in a raccoon's corpse. It's creepy. The hotel scene gets terribly awful after that. The nasty comedy is bad, but not necessary. Nerdy guy thinks Monster Man will kill them, but fun guy won't hear it, until it's all explained. When they turn to each other they find a creature in the back seat-- the hot hitchiker, Sarah. She joins the group and they move on... At the next road stop, they run in to an amputee. The shame is that they make the amputee look like a creepy guy, if only because he's an amputee.

Fun guy pushes for nerdy guy to get with Sarah, but he's a class act, he's professional. Fun guy's jealous because she's not as attracted to him as nerdy guy, who's named Adam. Fun guy's named Harley. What a dumb name. Anyway, times goes on and no monster truck, but isn't that the point of the movie? What the hell? This is like the calm before the storm. They end up in another bar and find more amputees. What's with the amputees? Is this an amputee-only bar? Everyone's an amputee. It's strange, but it goes on and on to new heights when there's a bar fight, in which Sarah wins against the big guy at the bar. Sarah and Adam room together, for some obvious reason, but it leaves Harley alone and paranoid and excitable. Sarah throws herself at Adam, but I'm telling you, he's classy. He stays a gentlemen-- oh, I mean until he goes for it and tries to nail a hitchiker! Your first time with a hitchiker? We don't know where she's been, and there's been no STD tests done in this nasty motel room. And he does it too. I'm ashamed of him. And there's some creepy Star Wars sex talk in there that creeps me out. No, we don't get boobage or anything.

There's a scene in which they run, and I gotta say it's the most piss-poor running I've ever seen. Then a gory kill comes up when Monster Man kills off the big jerk from the bar fight. He got his, I guess, but our team of rag tag horned up kids will only get worse. When they call the cops, they come out and find nothing. Are these kids lying? Sure looks that way. The cop is funny, but funny enough to make the movie. The screen washes out, which is nice, and the red in the picture comes out extra-red. It's slick and stylish. I like it. Anyway, one amputee comes and tells his story about being mutilated by Monster Man.

Just in time, our kids run out of gas, in an abandoned town, marked by a scarecrow, and a friendly bait and tackle shop. How nice. The shop owner doesn't look hospitable, but they trust him and go on. Harley gets all sentimental too, which is yet another character contradiction. When they're served chilli, it's only a matter of time before I expect it's human parts. Yep, it is. Who eats chilli? It's bad news. A dead guy is planted in the back seat, and that creeps the kids out, then the truck comes to wreak havoc. I'm anxious now, and laughing a bit. The movie's gotten fun, but I don't know if most would make it this far. The car turns off the road, which is always stupid because they don't know where the hell they are and they can't kill a guy out of a monster truck. Sarah bails the truck and Adam follows, but Jarley, he's left behind to get squashed. He keeps his comedic edge and limbs though. Harley gets out just in time. We don't want anyone to die now. Harley's made amens and the two lovebirds had sex (not now, but before, so tthey're stuck together). They run and run and run, but to where? It's all futile now. Then Monster Man gets out and follows them. He bangs Harley into a tree and persues the rest of our gang. I don't trust Sarah at this point. She's shifty to me. That's squashed when Monster Man takes her away, leaving only her giant Spice Girls shoes behind. How will he kill her in his giant abode?

I must admit. I'm not disappointed. This is truly one of the movies that looks so bad it has to be better than what you think. And that it is, despite a somewhat slow start. Adam, who has a character change like Ash in Evil Dead, is now the strong hero who is on his way to saving Sarah. There's a mess of dead and body parts all over Monster Man's place, but some of them move and talk. It's creepy and really does make the flick enjoyable. Sarah's cleared as a suspected bad guy, but she's tied up in the back room. Still enough time for a passionate kiss though. DUDE-- I was so right! Sarah's a bad guy. I'm truly a cinematic and genre genius. She is part of the living corpse and Monster Man family. They're a sicko family, but it's cool. They all get together to kill Adam. It's not too bad a deal for them. We got a part Jeeper's Creepers, part Joy Ride thing going, and if you don't consider the rest of movies, then this isn't bad. Of course, now it's time to come clean on my part, after the family reveals its story about how they live. You may realize that I didn't tell you what happened to Harley. I think he's still alive, and he could come save the day. I'd appreciate it more if they just kill Adam though. But we'll see when I un-pause it...

More stories from the family. Absurdity is the only word that can sum up the ending. It's a strange explaination with very weird characters, but ultimately Adam takes care of the whole family, except Monster Man. I wonder why he left him? There seems to be no real reason for him to be alive, but why else would it be called Monster Man? Let's see what happens now. Well the fun's over now, I'm really a bit fed up with how long this movie's gone on. We could've finished all this stuff off a while ago, but they let it go and go and go. How's this kid gonna go any where for help? How's he gonna get cops? Oh-- hey, Harley's alive homes. They end up trying to drive over Monster Man in his own monster truck. That's like killing Jason with his own machete-- it won't work, it just can't.

They end up having a gag-killing and the ending leaves Adam as an A number one killer-hero. But come on. They have to leave room for Monster Man 2, right? Yes, they do. And it's lame. All in all, I can see why they had to take this to Germany to make it, but it also made it an international movie, and to be honest, I have seen much worse. If you've read this much I gotta say thanks, and for genre horror fans I would suggest this in a legitimate review that didn't spoil the whole thing for you already. Oh well though. Thanks for reading anyway!