Ladies and gentlemen I come to you today from the couch in my apartment. I just finished eating a piece of pizza for dinner and I'm going on to dessert. That's why you're here.

I've been a fan of Reese's products for the greater part of my life. I was a fat kid, how could I not love them? Reese's Pieces are excellent, but they have to come in moderation. As I learned from Reese's eggs, if you eat a lot of Pieces, you can fall apart yourself. Stomach cramps are incredible in that situation, and there's not enough Pepto in the world to help.

I freaking love Reese's Sticks, and I always will. Donations are welcome.

Now the peanut butter cup-- that's a goldmine. The regular cups are delicious, as usual, but from a nutritional standpoint one could wonder how much fat you could pour into a product that wasn't actually called "Pure Fat." The answer came in the form of Big Cups, which almost claimed my life in the summer of 2004. I was like a crackhead in the 80's when it came to those darlings, and I couldn't stop. Not to mention, I had a number of facilitators in my life, like Kyle wanting to go to Turkey Hill, Karen buying them for me, and the Dollar Tree selling them at a shameful 3 for $1. When my heart jumped out of my chest and told me to stop, I figured it was time to listen and I haven't had one since. Not one. Cold turkey like a Russian Thanksgiving. Incidentally you may realize that Russians don't celebrate Thanksgiving because Columbus didn't come there.

After the Big Cup I wondered, "What else can be done? They already have the poppable mini peanut butter cups which are like speed pills for the Reese's crack-addict. With that and the big ones, and the mediums in check, what else could be done?" Reese's called me and said, "Get your arteries ready to solidify fatty-- here comes chocolate-lovers peanut butter cups." I gleamed with excitement.

As a side note to the mini cups-- One day in high school, around Halloween time, there was a kid on the bus who bought his friends with candy. I accepted a few mini cups, despite my unsettled stomach from the school lunch. Cut to the chase kids, I puked my guts out later that night and it all smelled like Reese's-- but that didn't stop me! I forged ahead and ate them anyway. Sorry if you're reading this while eating too, but that's an age-old story.

And yes, there are peanut butter lovers peanut butter cups too, but that's a lot of the words peanut and butter, and it's time Reese's and I came clean: They have me hooked because, when it's not coupled with chocolate, I simply hate peanut butter. I like chocolate and peanut butter. I like chocolate. I hate peanut butter.

Oh-- and before I eat one, am I right or what? Nothing beats a Flurry (Blizzard, Avalanche, or whatever your local ice cream place calls the ice cream/candy mix) with peanut butter cups? Holy crap that's delicious. It's like marrying Johnny Depp and Britany Daniel-- how can the kids not look good? Peanut butter cups have always lacked that ice cream element, and I'm sure Reese's would've cashed in if they could, but it's pure garbage unless it's with soft serve, and you can't box that.

And now, I eat one:
Looks great... works like a classic peanut butter cup... same smell and all... Ok, well that was anti-climactic. It's like a regular one, but with more chocolate (and not much more) around the sides. I expected a thicker chocolate layer on top and bottom too. I must say that I'm slightly disappointed, but my disappointment is turned back into happiness because I have another cup left. I eat it and savor it, but there's not much more to do.

Maybe I oughta' go back to the big cup, but it may be the only candy that makes your chest tighten while you eat it. Of course, as we will learn, moderation is the key to a great relationship with all of God's creations. Maybe next month I'll earn a big cup. Until then, I have my apples and oranges. I'll do an orange tomorrow.