Now that you've seen this picture you've seen about 80% of the movie

I came across this golden nugget while dog/house-sitting. I won't reveal the names of who I was working for in order to save them the embarrassment of people knowing they have it.

It's no shock that Crossroads opens with Britney Spears dancing in her underwear. Sure there's some sequence about some girls who bury dreams in a box, but it's obvious that that was just to distract us. This flick is Britney Spears' big on-screen thing. Now what we have is a sentimental Spears graduating from high school and wondering what exactly she's worked so hard for because she feels empty.

When we hit the school, we find an enchanting introduction to our perfect Spears character, in case we couldn't tell, the token black girl (who doubles as the popular girl), reminds us by repeating it a zillion times. We also see the essential unpopular girl who happens to be pregnant. When the unpopular girl tries to round up all the gals who made the pact to uncover the dream box after their graduation, it looks like no one will, but she goes alone. Wouldn't you know it? All the gals are there! Aww.

When the girls go to town about their dreams I skipped ahead. There was mention of a recording contest or something. No more underwear dancing, but Dan Ackroyd plays Pete, Britney Spears' dad. My names Pete.... That's that. Anyway, Pete's a single dad whose wife "walked out on a three-year old." At the same time, she walks out on him! Great plot device! Anyway, some musician is also taking them to this audition.

So Britney's at a crossroads in her life, how sweet. She needs to do what she wants or do what dad wants, all the while she has the dude who's driving giving her the eye. How convenient. One dude, three chicks, and he goes for the down home hotpants. So we got Britney Spears heading to Alabama now. Ya know, she's from the South, but she has a horrible southern accent. I'm almost positive she's faking it too. So back to Britney being nerdy, she decides to be the one who takes charge of expenses for the trip, not because she's a rich teen idol, but because she's the mathy whiz that plays it safe.

When they hit a hotel, Britney was in the shower, I skipped. I am of the opinion that Britney Spears is alright lookin', but not a super-mega babe. I don't know, she seems all fakey. You need some authenticity to be attractive. Anyway, let's keep going here. No crap-- car broke down. Stellar writing kids. Now what will our heroes do? Stuck on a highway, with SUVs in the background, it appears that no one can help them. Oh dear oh my. The SUV's only there for some shots anyway. But hey, if you're gonna get stuck somewhere, why not make it Louisiana? And a sort of mini-contest that could win them money to get the car fixed-- cosmic!

So they hit the stage and our concert forerunner wusses out. Now, they're singing "I Love Rock n' Roll," a rockin' classic tune which is all moaned up by Spears, who has to step up and cover for the pusspants. Never short of touching herself, she and the ladies collect enough money to fix the car. I'm writing this in real time, and they're mid-sing, I'm just going with the writing pattern and assuming...

Uh-oh. There was more sexual tension with the car guy. So Spears is dancing and some dude gets all close, she starts fighting and a bar fight ensues. Mini fight, but a bar fight nonetheless. Wowza! How much can we jam in this flick? Gasp-- underage drinking? But Britney Spears is such a good girl. So now we got three drunk chicks in a hotel room with strawberries and whipped cream, no wonder it's PG-13. I skipped through this part too. Too much lady-talk for me. One thing to note is that no matter who's talking, we get more than enough Spears-face.

When our pregnant misfit takes the wheel, I was concerned, our princess of pop should be behind the wheel. Sure enough, she was in seconds. But wait, no one's allowed to drive the classic car but the dude, oh those gals are in a world of trouble. Leave it to a Shania Twain karaoke to wake him up too. And in this female-written script, we have a man holding his car above everything. He freaks when the chicks take his wheels, and who can blame him, eh? Men love their cars more than their mothers, everybody knows that. Then there was more boring stuff.

At some point there is a dramatic panoramic shot of sunset or something, I don't know. I called Karen because it's boring

Wait, I think Britney Spears found her mom's house... it looks awkward between them... Okay, I missed some stuff, but it appears that they made it to LA. There were a few dozen more shots of Spears, just for the sake of showing her. Seriously, she doesn't say or do anything, they just put her in the camera for no reason, it's shameful. Now the popular girl, she came to LA not for the audition, but to see her fiance, who is suspected of cheating on her because men are pigs, except that stud who's in the car with them. So the unpopular girl and the popular girl go to find the fiance, which gives Britney and the dude a great chance to have sex. This is my prediction again, I'll let you know if I'm wrong.

It took 'til sundown before the fiances met and Britney finished having sex with the dude. So the unpopular girl was raped a while ago by a guy, and it happened to be the popular girls fiance. Who could have predicted that turn of events? The unpopular girl falls down steps, she lost the baby. Through it all, Britney's having a fine time helping out. Oh no! Her dad found her! Boy is he mad, but understanding, what a good Pete. Damn, he has a crappy accent too. Whew.

Dude, Britney's a ho. She likes to love 'em and leave 'em. The car guy gets mad and everything's a mess. I'm sure she'll come back to him though. Yep, she did. They didn't even wait two minutes. This movie sucks.

Wow, they nailed the contest and we got another unnecessary Britney happy face. They bury a new box in the dirt, just like they should have done with the final cut of this movie. Boy, it was bad.