that's angel boris, she had a small part

On Saturday, May 23, 2004, the SciFi Channel premiered a long anticipated original movie. It's not often that we get gems like SciFi Originals. Some months are full of them, while some months are very empty. Regardless, they have become something to hold valuable when they come along. Two weeks ago, SciFi started promoting a movie with the tagline, "How do you get rid of a 100 foot snake? Get a bigger one."s.

I, however, decided that it was another snake movie. When it came on, I decided that I would give it a try. It was an adequate attempt at a reptillian flick, and no, I don't know ifa snake is a reptile, and I could care less.

First, we have a busty blond beauty with brains who is not only a technical wiz, but also into swimming with dolphins or something like that. It's crazy that she has all these things rolled into one, but what's crazier is that she's a playmate in real life. Her previous film credits include Playmates: Bustin' Out, Playmate Pajama Party, and Playmate Profile Video Collection Featuring Miss Januarys (according to imdb.com). Oh just kidding, she did have legitimate film roles as an extra in Gone in 60 Seconds and Any Given Sunday. Her most memorable role was on a TV show that missed many people's radar in its hey-day, Son of the Beach, as lifeguard BJ Cummings. Man that show was classic.So this all adds up to a massive amount of boob and butt shots, even when you don't expect it, that part is fun for people who think they know what's coming.

We're introduced to her character, who we're supposed to respect for her superior intellect, at a pool party where she wins a challange of staying under water against a Navy Seal by flashing him. How respectable.

Now for the real actors--no wait, we have another playmate, who knew? Angel Boris, who is apparently popular enough to get top billing despite her slinky resume, is the main squeeze of a crazed hunter to be named later.

Ok, now seriously, the REAL actors: David Helwett. Now they said "Stargate: Atlantis' David Helwett," but that was just so they could get publicity for their movie AND their new show. You'd really know him from a Pete Phillips Classic: Cube. Yes, he was the architect, David Worth, one of the most resiliant people in the Cube. Ironically he went on to star in a flick called the Triangle, which is not about geometry at all, but the Bermuda Triangle.

Now the plot, which is a magical journey of complexity, so pay attention:
We have rich big game hunters. They want to have fun so they release a HUGE snake into the wild. Now they wanted to give it a chance so they let it go near Philadelphia, which makes sense, that's where most Pythons live. So the military realizes quickly that they have no chance against this sucker and they get our playmate, and Cube guy and combine their talents--no, not like that! See, the playmate made a chip that you can put into animals, then see what they see through her handy dandy laptop that has bad reception. The Cube guy, well, he's got a gigantic boa constrictor.

They put this self-destruct thing in the boa too, in case it goes crazy and attacks them and they head out. By now, out hunter gang is already hunting. These guys exist for the kill shots, which are as good as they can get for a snake movie. The payoff at the end--well, we'll get there.

So the big python eats the playmate-girlfriend of the crazy hunter (Boris). The hunter guy freaks out and wants some dead python. The boa and the python met to fight while I was in the shower, but I heard that the python won the first round, then the boa went to recouperate. For some reason the boa was pregnant too, I got confused there. Apparently the hormone shots she was getting made her pregnant or something. Regardless of how, she was, and the python eats her eggs. Not cool!

With nine minutes left in this gem we end up in a night club, don't ask me because I don't know the answer. The crazed, rich hunter comes in and starts attacking the snake with a flame thrower. Now if Grand Theft Auto 3 teaches us anything, it's that you can't kill something right away with a flamethrower, they always have a running chance. Apparently this guy didn't learn that. So he takes some dude's cigar and starts lighting the place up, he even shoots at out heroes. That makes him more of a bad guy than the snakes. Of course he was the one who let the python out, so it all comes back to him. There's a huge dart that should knock one of the snakes out, if they needed it. Instead, the Cube guy shoots it at the hunter and, here's that previously mentioned payoff, the snakes rip him into two pieces. This is unrealistic, I know, but cool nonetheless.

With even fewer minutes left we end up in a subway(?!). The snakes fight in the safest place for them: on the tracks. I think we all know where this is going, but the python is fighting the boa and the Cube guy hits the self-destruct button just as a train comes. The electric shock from the self-destruct pushes the boa off the tracks and out of harm's way, while the python gets hit. Both toasted. But wait! The boa's alive because they miscalculated. Cool, he's the good snake.
The film ends with out busty scientist and our Cube scientist going into the boa's nest to collect her and her babies up. How sweet. I'll admit, I cried.

In the end, Boa vs. Python wasn't so bad. It was visually entertaining and as far as logic goes, it was really fun to laugh at. I really enjoyed laughing at mishaps, deaths, and all the body parts. I would watch it again if it was on, well, I would watch it as attentively as I watched it this time.