"something as thiNk and rich"?! you mean thiCk and rich! ugh!

Remember Nicolaus Copernicus? He's the guy who prominently claimed that the earth went around the sun, not the other way around. Everybody thought he was kinda' crazy. Sure, he had a few followers, but not enough to change the mind of the world. When he finally compiled all of his beginnings-of-astronomy thoughts into one book, he had a stroke and died. He truly completed his life's work, and he solved (or at least got the ball rolling on) some pretty big mysteries of the universe.

This brings us, of course, back to me. While watching PrisonBreak last night on FOX, where they FINALLY broke out of prison, after like 15 episodes, the last 3 of which promised us they'd break out. It was a fun time, because they FINALLY broke out. They broke out last night. Get it? No, there's no joke. Unless you want to make the obvious "Now they'll call it PrisonBroke." This paragraph is mostly filler. I totally tricked you.

During a commercial break, two dudes eating Frostys from Wendy's were on TV. They had a stupid conversation in which they talked about the Frosty being neither solid, nor liquid-- it could only be called SOQUID (pronounced s-k'wd). They went on about how revolutionary it was. One might venture to guess that even Copernicus would be proud.

Thinner guy, like most of America, says, "Yeah, but you know where the real money is? The Fpoon." "Fpoon?" says guy number two. Good-ass question, guy two. What the hell is a fpoon?! I've been wondering for WEEKS without any answers. No one seems to know! Finally, the moment of truth is here-- Wendy's will have to explain themselves once and for all! Thank you to all powers of the universe for bringing me the answer to my biggest mystery last month! WHAT IS THE FPOON?!?!

"The Frosty Spoon," Guy one states, quite frankly.

If there was a moment in time that I could punch whoever was on TV in real time, like lean forward and punch the person right through the TV, it would be after Karen made me watch a few episodes of Newlyweds (I would include being forced to watch Sex in the City by another girl, but that just made me lose faith in women, more than want to inflict violence), then (tied with when I watched Girls Next Door for a website article) it would be this commercial. The last time I was let down like this is when the woman didn't get shot out of a canon at the Shriner's Circus.

The Frosty Spoon? Are you serious, Wendy's? I mean, don't get me wrong, we'll get past this, but we really need to talk. You can't just make up words and attach them to products that don't exist. If you introduced a new type of spoon that is for Frostys, then we'd be cool. I, for one, have eaten a Frosty with a regular spoon, and damned if it works like a charm.

I also charge you, Wendy's, with one more explanation. In the sub-paragraph of the table-top ad, you say that "a straw is useless with something as think and rich as a Frosty." Why in any case, under any pressure, on any dimensional plane, would you change THICK to THINK? Believe me, the complete idiocy of your ad has made me think plenty about how stupid it is.

I'm a big proponent of language, making up words, using words in unconventional ways, etc. But you are a company. You making up words really ruins any propriety you have in the fast food market. Burger King, for example, had the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. Of course, they were kind enough to attach that name to a sand which, not a conceptual, unnecessary variation on a utensil.

Listen Wendy's, I'm done, but you really have to cut this ad campaign as soon as possible. You'll only end up looking stupid, and I don't think that's what you want. I would request, however, that you send me the original versions of these commercials so that I can get the 'think' explanation and send it off to Jenny McConnell, who emailed in from somewhere to address the issue. Then I will destroy them, for you. I'm sorry Wendy's. They say "you only hurt the ones you love," but I don't know if I can take this pain.

Oh yeah, and about Copernicus: I'm not crazy for wondering what this was all about, and neither was Marissa or Jenny. Sometimes you have to be a free-thinker and wonder what's going on around you. Even if they call you crazy. Remember what ol' Lewis Black says, "You're not crazy, they are."