Pete'll be there on May 13th!

Well, well, well. We meet again. While Pete's been off making a bunch of amateurish games, I've been working hard watching the latest batch of Summer Movies that we got exclusively here at PetePhillipsOnline.com, because we're heavy hitters in the entertainment industry and all. I mean we can make or break a movie with just a few words. And that's what I intend to do today. But, if you'll allow me to speak candidly, I didn't actually watch any of them. That's not gonna stop me from trying to make a good bunch of capsules for you to read while you wonder if you should catch the next big movie at your local multiplex. That last line was some damn good cliche-ing, huh?

MAY
JIMINY GLICK IN LALAWOOD- Excited for this one? Hang yourself.

KICKING & SCREAMING- There's a really easy joke for this one, but we'll go serious for a minute: Soccer coach with a funny temper played by Will Ferrel. What's with Ferrel doing adult and children's comedies simultaneously? I never know whether to like him or not. This summer will surely tell-- he's in about a dozen movies.

THE LONGEST YARD- Adam Sandler stars in the ho-hum remake about prisoners playing guards in football at a prison. We want the forces of good to win, but we also know those guards probably treat the prisoners like shit. What to do?!

MINDHUNTERS- LL Cool J, Val Kilmer, and Christian Slater all star as FBI profilers. If I had to compare this to temperature, I'd say lukewarm.

MONSTER-IN-LAW- Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda?! Could life get better?! Only if the popcorn's free and covered in chocolate gold.

STAR WARS: EPISODE III- REVENGE OF THE SITH- Finally, they'll give that dead horse a break.

UNLEASHED- Okay this looks like a cruel, unkind film about a man kept on a leash by the guy from Roger Rabbit, but if Morgan Freeman signed on, then damnit, it'd gonna be good. End of story.

JUNE
BATMAN BEGINS- So help me... if this is bad, then it won't be the fault of anyone actually in it. From the director of Memento, Christian Bale stars as-- oh, no , wait-- Katie Holmes is in it.

BEWITCHED- Will Ferrel's second remake of the season, right? WRONG! When producers start a remake of the show for TV (in the movie) they cast Nicole Kidman (who's a real witch) and Will Ferrel (who's normal). But no, that's not a joke to say that Kidman is a real life witch, her character who will play the witch is a real witch. Oh there's so much plot thickness it hurts.

CINDERELLA MAN- Russel Crowe and Meg Ryan-- remember that trainwreck. Well here he works with Renee Zellweger, who actually brings charm to any part. More importantly, it's a Ron Howard project.

THE DEAL- Christian Slater, again?! Somebody better find that rock and put him back under it. He co-stars with Selma Blair in this political thriller about oil trading in a near future where gas is $6 a gallon. Poor star power, thin plot, and a current-event-timestamp to date the movie. How could this go wrong?

GEORGE ROMERO'S LAND OF THE DEAD- Fresh off the heels of the remake of his first zombie success, Dawn of the Dead, Romero recycles the zombie story, again.

HEIGHTS- Starring Glenn Close. Not to be confused with the popular mid-90's series, but with all these remakes, you never know...

HERBIE: FULLY LOADED- Can you say unnecessary? Of course this does open the franchise back up. Next, Lindsay Lohan returns for-- I'm sorry I just can't make a "fully loaded" joke. Lohan's a skank, but c'mon, Herbie's classic.

THE HONEYMOONERS- Keep this one under wraps. Cedric the Entertainer stars as Ralph as Hollywood takes one sitcom that is famous for the female lead, and replaces it with a male focus.

MR. AND MRS. SMITH- Everyone will see it, no one will know why.

SAINT RALPH- A teen sets out to win the Boston Marathon in hopes of saving his sick mother in this sequel to King Ralph. No, wait a minute...

WAR OF THE WORLDS- Proving that even Spielberg is out of original ideas, he will remake the HG Wells classic, hopefully better than the Time Machine.

JULY
THE BAD NEWS BEARS- Another remake trading Walter Matthau for Billy Bob Thorton. Yeah, I see that.

BROTHERS GRIMM- Matt Damon and Heath Ledger make more bad career moves.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY- If this movie is bad it will be because you expected too much. The musical stars Johnny Depp and has Tim Burton at the helm. If you need more information, then you are clearly inept.

THE DEVIL'S REJECTS- Like House of 1000 Corpses, but with a family.

FANTASTIC FOUR- Worst casting of the year goes to... Michael Chiklis as the Thing. If this doesn't suck it's because you expected as little as I did.

HAPPY ENDINGS- Starring Tom Arnold and Lisa Kudrow. With that amount of laughs, how can it not be a happy ending?

HUSTLE & FLOW- A far stretch from My Baby's Daddy, Anthony Anderson stars in this movie about a Kangaroo thug gone rapper.

THE ISLAND- Ewan McGregor stars as a clone raised for body parts that escapes. Is that a thriller, comedy, or drama? You'll have to find out.

REBOUND- Martin Lawrence stars as a college coach who is stressed out and sent back to coach a high school team. I guess that's better than those other ways Lawrence is use to coping with stress. BooYA!

UNDEAD- Oh my god-- we've seen this one-- it's called Night of the Comet. "A cosmic infection carried by meteorites creates a plague of walking dead hungry for human flesh."

WEDDING CRASHERS- Vince Vaugn and Owen Wilson, featuring Christopher Walken. It'll get laughs, but will it further develop the theories of life philosophies like Old School did?

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER
DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO- Rob Schneider returns for no apparent reason for a movie with no apparent plot that will make no apparent money.

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD- Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Burt Reynolds, and Jessica Simpson. People are actually excited about this, which seriously churns my stomach. What an awful idea and cast. Hopefully the world will end by August.

THE PINK PANTHER- Steve Martin tries to revive his career with the vindiction of a doctor trying to revive a dying patient. Let's just say there's not enough juice in those shock panels tosave either.

And there's your summer everybody. There are a few good looking ones in there, let's be honest. Keep your eyes peeled for the less popular movies. That's where you get your reward. When a small company can do a big thing, that's an accomplishment. When a big company can remake a tired old idea that sucked in the first place, that's a travesty, according to Webster's Dictionary. Until Fall, I'll see you in the back row... and I'll throw stuff at you... like, a lot.