Cover Your Toes, Pal
By: Pete Phillips
April 28, 2003
8:07 PM

don't wear these, ok? because I said so

What the hell is with sandals these days?!

Ya know the new Jesus was a vegetarian movement? They say that in His time Jesus did eat meat and stuff, but they rest on the fact that Jesus preached mercy and peace. In the rural period that the life of Jesus took place in, it was impossible for Him to not eat some sort of meat, whether it be fish or whatever. But they say that today, in our very fruit & veggie-rich economy, Jesus would never eat meat. Let me add that Jesus would also not wear sandals. 

Sandals are completely unnecessary, ok? I need one person to explain to me the positive ramifications of sandals. Do you wear them because your feet get sweaty when they're in shoes & socks? Ok, that's cool, but then why do people wear socks with sandals? I can only put tye-dye clothing and butt shorts as highly annoying as the sandals-and-socks look. Don't get me wrong, some people can pull this look off because they're so good-looking that you don't even look at their feet, but many can't make this work.

And let's be frank here-- people can have really ugly feet. If you wear sandals regularly for a long period of time, you might have marks on your feet from straps and stuff, but they go away. There's one guy who wears them and has some awful toenail fungus or something... cover that s--t up man! Seriously, what are you thinking? And don't even get me started on the whole painting of toenails and stuff. I've seen that work once or twice in my entire life, otherwise it's just something that's done with little or no effect at all. Toe rings? Let's let this go and keep to the point...

Flip flops. Huh? C'mon. Who wants loud shoes? Wear tap shoes if you want people to know you're in town, they're classier anyway. And let's not forget that any sandal at all puts your foot in immediate danger. What if you spill some acid on your foot? You lose skin in that deal, and what about dropping things? Stubbing toes? I just can't find any advantages to the whole sandal look. May I suggest, to those who are pickin' up what I'm layin' down ya'll, get a water gun and shoot acid on these people's feet so they learn the hazard that they're putting their feet in. If they know people are walking around with acid guns, maybe they'll change their tune.

In conclusion, I understand that in the days of Moses and Jesus there was no other quality, cheap form of footwear, but now I think there's no question what kind of footwear Jesus would wear, right Alexa?