What Can You Do With Beer?
By: Pete Phillips
April 28, 2003
7:47 PM

What's the deal with drinking games?!

So this phenomenon known as drinking games is the most illogical one I can imagine. But where does logic fit in when people are drinking? No where, I know. Still, as a person who needs some sense in life, this practice blows my mind--and not in a good way. 

I understand that requirement for rational thought goes away when you drink, but then why do people make up rules about games anyway? Card games may be the best example of this: If you're going to make up rules as the game goes on, then why bother making rules at all? In stead of an "organized" drinking card game, why not just shuffle a pack of cards, draw one, and drink that much? Why the hell not? When you involve other people and counting numbers and taking turns you're just prolonging the inevitable goal of getting f--ked up, so just go for it. Why do you need cards to tell you to get drunk? 

What I've learned is that without a card game, you'd be called an alcoholic. If you just drink without a game to go along, then you have a problem. This is a good deduction, sure, but there's a fallacy in there somewhere. If you wear a mask to hide some ugly, you're still ugly underneath, right? So am I calling everyone at this social gathering an alcoholic? Of course not, but Kyle is. Nah! Just kidding.

Beer pong is another game that seems unsanitary and illogical, but looks like there's a possibility that it could be fun if you're good at throwing things in holes. I miss the trashcan a lot, so I decided to decline the option of having the graceful Kat drink for me, but it was a kind invitation. Still, I was pretty sure there was some bouncing involved in beer pong, and I didn't know how that would work on a four-panel door, but Sandra and Kellie made it work and kicked some big time ass. Nevertheless, the balls roll all over the floor and then go into cups of beer while being rinsed in a cup of filth and water. I don't know about this game, all I know is there's no structure to it either.

take that drunkard!

Now how about a good drinking game? Beer Dodge Ball! No that's a damn game. First of all, there's never any set of rules when people play dodge ball sober, so when people are under the influence of alcohol it'll be even more disturbing. Running around will speed up any foreseeable vomiting and being whacked in the face with a ball will speed up the death of any brain cells. I hear you now, "How're underage kids gonna' play beer dodge ball?" Well you'll still be able to play inside, but you'll set aside one whole room with nothing in it at all. When you tour your house you'll call this the dodge ball room and when people come by for a party, you'll show 'em one--big time. Whenever you get hit in beer dodge ball, you have to drink. This rule means that, yes, when the ball bounces off a wall and hits you it counts. This is a good game and it'll catch on in no time, so you should start a trend and play beer dodge ball today. You might get some bruises and maybe a concussion or two, but don't worry because it'll be worth it to tell the story to your grand kids.