what a happy-looking couple

You know how every family has their shameful hidden member? The one that no one talks about our of embarrassment or to preserve any sanctity that the family has? The ex-con? The creepy uncle? The hairy aunt with a suspiciously deep voice? The former porn actor? Well my fake celebrity family has that built in too.

Simon Rex came on the pop scene years ago when he took to our TV sets as an MTV VJ. The lanky goof really didn't have to do much as a VJ. In fact, he and Kennedy both epitomized the role of a VJ by seriously making me wonder if a tiny person was behind a steering wheel in their head, ready to kick open the face-door and escape if anything went wrong. When I finally got to meet Simon, back at the premiere of Shriek if You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th, I learned quickly that there was more to him, and he deserved a spot in my celebrity family.

Simon was born in San Francisco in 1974. Some would say that it was the wrong place at the wrong time, and that Simon was bound to fall off the beaten path, but I say otherwise. A lot of people don't know that Simon worked at acting. He didn't just show up and get the part. Of course, acting classes can only get you so far, and like the most shameful part of Fame, it was only a matter of time before Simon Rex was doing porn under the name Sebastian. Does it make it right if they were just solo scenes? I'd say no, but are we really here to judge him? Not at all.

When the scandal broke, Simon got canned from MTV. Imagine, in the mid-90's something like that would get you fired from MTV. Today you'd get a development deal (was the social commentary too obvious?). Armed with some recognition, Simon packed his bags and moved on to a handful of sitcoms. They all failed, but along the way, he met another member of the PPO Celebrity Family, Jamie Pressly. They didn't stay together forever, but I must say that they were a powerhouse of mediocrity for the time they were a couple.

All good things do come to an end, but luckily, for family reunions, Jamie and Simon still got along well enough to churn out a new classic, The Karate Dog, in 2004. Before that though, Simon really showed some comedic muscle in 2000's straight to video, Shriek... This under-appreciated flick was worlds less vulgar than Scary Movie, and it opened the door for a role alongside Charlie Sheen in Scary Movie 3. As we all know, 3 is where the franchise threw out the rampant sex jokes for some slapstick, and it rejuvenated the work. Not to mention, Simon Rex was in it.

Not one to be off the video market trend scene, Simon also came out for 2001's Going Greek, where he played a frat boy. The middle of the road mix between American Pie and Old School just reinforced the stereotype that you can only trust fraternities that wear jackets and have Kirschners in their history, and even those... I don't know. Alas, the truth must come out. Simon Rex would either be loved or hated in a fraternity setting, because of those mid-90's pornos.

And even when a few were re-released in 2000, Simon kept at his acting and made something of himself. Even though he was in a movie that took Tom Hanks' Turner & Hooch plot and put it in Chinatown and added martial arts, he still has some great middle-of-the-road movies to his credit. The Forsaken, in 2001, was a very streamlined vampire movie that wasn't shockingly fantastic or painfully bad. Likewise, the Scary Movies have laughs, but they're not Dr. Strangelove. Simon even has more college comedies along the way in the form of National Lampoon's Pledge This!, now in post-production. He also has a number of spots on TV series, so we'll always see Simon Rex pulling his weight in Hollywood. And if it wasn't for that easy, mediocre stuff that Simon Rex is in, we'd all have to think way too much at theatres or in front of the TV. Thank you Simon Rex. You've earned yourself cousin status in the PPO Family.