WHAT is a fpoon?!

Holy crap.

You may or may not know that Lewis Black bit, "If it wasn't for that horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." If you aren't familiar with it, the basic idea is that Lew heard something so stupid that he had to stop and figure out what it meant. If he couldn't talk about it with someone to try and iron out the confusion, he would die. I happen to have this problem on a weekly basis. Luckily I have some people to figure things out with. The emergency call number is always Greg as a last line of defense. If it can get past him and I, then it may well kill me.

The latest is coming to the website, because I can't crack it. I haven't called Greg just yet, but I will soon. The problem is pictured on this page. It's a Wendy's table-top ad. It commands (a terrible new Wendy's trend) you to "Do a Frosty." It underscores the command with a perplexing phrase "The only soquid you eat with a fpoon." Did English shift on me? I know the language is changing, but it couldn't have jumped that far away from me this fast. What's a soquid or a fpoon? Surely they mean liquid and spoon, right?! What happened? A little paragraph pushes the fpoon again, but what is a fpoon?!

Marissa, my Wendy's partner for the meal, and I started guessing what could have possibly happened. While I surmised that they made up words, but could not trace where they came from, Marissa went in another direction. She guessed that the words are ones that you would make accidentally while attempting to use a straw. After considerable research, I've decided that this is impossible because the straw prevents your teeth from hitting your lower lip (stopping all F's) and your tongue can't reach the behind your top teeth (preventing S sounds).

So what happened here? What thought process did someone go through to make this ad? How could they assume that will make sense to ANYONE else?! Marissa took a picture, I reluctantly ate my meal, and I came home to search for answers online. After a decent amount of searching for soquid and having Google suggest squid, I knew I would have no luck unless I did what an invaluably wise man once told me to do: think outside the box. (And, a much, much wiser man once said "If you think you think outside the box you're trapped in one.")

In Google, I started to type liquid instead of soquid. This was because one theory I had was that the word could just be a typo (a vicious typo that was then changed to a made-up word that would seem hip). And what did I find? Someone who posted the age old question of what physical properties a Frosty has. Now, let's see if you can make the connection I did:

solid: a. Of definite shape and volume; not liquid or gaseous. b. Firm or compact in substance.
liquid: The state of matter in which a substance exhibits a characteristic readiness to flow, little or no tendency to disperse, and relatively high incompressibility.

Yes, soquid is a made-up word that combines SOlid and liQUID. This was poorly conceived, yes, but it does satisfy jello and pudding too (in my opinion). So, about the fpoon. Could this be a combo of fork and spoon? No, because a spoon and fork is a spork-- we all know that. In addition, no one even thinks, for any amount of time, that it would be a good idea to eat a Frosty with a fork. Anyone who thinks that is probably not allowed to use forks because they're too sharp. Now, an argument has been made that a spork is a spoon with fork-teeth at the end. In theory, a fpoon would be a slotted fork base with a curved end, like a spoon growing out of a fork. This would be a great straining device, otherwise it's ridiculous. Furthermore, Wendy's doesn't provide the previously described utensil.

Next up is examination of the spoons of Wendy's. Maybe they have special qualities that make them different, and fpoon is more of a branding idea. After looking for a while, I don't think this is the case. The only thing a Wendy's spoon has aside from any other spoon is the Wendy's handle. Nothing on it starts with an F. So what is the answer? UrbanDictionary doesn't even know. The closest thing they have is poon, and that doesn't go with a Frosty either. Lucky for me, I'm a friend of Wendy's on MySpace. I posted a topic and I hope to have some resolution. Greg is trying to get along with his life, and I can't call him for every little mind-boggling ad that I see.

Eight hours later and still no reply from anyone about the fpoon. It's too late to call Greg right now, but this is even better news for you-- you can expect an update! Anyone with information, please contact me ASAP. I can only lose so many hours of sleep before I travel to Wendy's headquarters for an answer.