pick your favorite evil

Spring is here and it's time I pick a new fashion faux pas to play with for the season. You remember last year my beef was with flip-flops, until I tried them out and the laziness within me embraced them with ease because of their slip-on-and-off-ness. It was a tough decision I had to make, but I adopted them into a seasonal-only wardrobe, only if weather permits. 

So what's it gonna be, huh? We have a few options, so take a read. Maybe I can use them all interchangeably-- we'll see.

First on the docket is the always problematic, tie-dye. There's a simple logic behind this judgment, and that is that some colors shouldn't get mixed, that's why God makes them look like feces or wet cement when they are combined. Many tie-dye shirts suffer this reality, and people just don't seem to care; it's like they see it as a tolerable necessity to wearing tie-dye. In truth, we all know that it's a way of saying it shouldn't be done. It would be like saying Prime Rib tastes good, jelly tastes great, the two must be a mind-blower. When you try it and they taste like crap, you realize that it's not a good idea, you don't say, "Well it tastes awful, but it just sounds like such a good idea." I really would like to see the innovator of such a trend too. It boggles my mind to think that someone thought it was a wise idea to just tie up a shirt and dip it in dye. I guess that's why I may never be an innovator in the world of fashion, but at least I can criticize it all.

Next up is roller blades. This is particularly repulsing because I actually saw a kid wearing tie-dye AND rollerblading, awkwardly no less. It wasn't a pretty site, and I probably could have killed the kid, but I have self-control and it helped me to restrain myself in the face of rage. Regardless, I just don't feel the rollerblade vibe. It you want to move faster, ride a bike or get a car. Rollerblading is just not the thing to be doing. There's a peculiar sway that goes with roller skating of any type and that may be the hang-up that I have. It's not a common sway, or even an uncommon, it's a sway that goes with no other movement. Rappers don't walk like rollerbladers move, and thank God for that or their whole street cred would be gone. Old people with walkers don't even move a particularly clunky as them. Even people with prosthetic limbs can pull more graceful movements off. There is a place for the sway though, and that is on the ice, where skates belong. IF you can do tricks on rollerblades, like on or off of a ramp, then I'll let you go.

Lastly, we must stop the hacky-sacking. This task has bothered me since the ripe age of 6th grade. I could never see the appeal of kicking a sack of beans around without using your hands. What's so bad about your hands anyway? If we had a sack of tacks then it could work out. People would be less likely to try touching the sack if it was full of pointy objects--and those jerks that play it in flip-flops will also pay dearly! Even so, this is still one of the lamest plans of gaming action that I can imagine. It's like a guy was sitting around one say and thought, "I'd like to be active, really I would. But I can't play soccer, that would be too active. I wish I could play soccer, but stand still... fields are awfully long... I hate that. How could I play soccer and not move? I could kick it up and down on my knees like those hip soccer players, but that probably won't work. What if I had a smaller object, like a sack of beans or little beads of plastic? Dude, that would be awesome. AWESOME! Let's do it!" And that guy should get beaten up.  I just don't understand the limited activity. Surely abs must get a big work out because people always suck at it and they have to pick the thing up all the time. No one is ever, ever, ever good. at hacky-sacking. It's like kids skateboarding; no one can ever do the tricks, they just try all day. And I really get mad with the starting. When people put it on their foot WITH THEIR HANDS, then continue without using them. It's a waste. Why bother?

So whether it be extraneous activity while remaining stationary, an uneasy swaying or the body, or a puke-provoking mixture of colors, you still can't stop the truth: spring's here and you will pay. Who knows which activity will become synonymous with all things lame throughout my writing in the near future, but regardless of the final choice, these are all equal-level demonstrations of how the world is progressing slowly, and peacefully, to oblivion... damn hippies...