I feel that some of my best work is in these shorts because then I don't have to force filler. Let's see if you agree:

Vandals!
A couple weeks ago your friendly writer was made a victim of vandalism by some doubtless drunks who terrorize king's College by notoriously breaking windows or mirrors on cars, but never actually taking things from the cars, which must be a case of good conscious, I suppose. Pictured on the right is the crime scene with a chalk outline on the far right of where the mirror belongs, as compared to where it was, on the left. Yes, the chalk outline rested nicely in mid-air. 
The car was eventually repaired with long fighting from me, and it is now better than ever. I learned that, despite all the parking tickets' suggestions or gold, silver, or orange, my car is in fact "marble gray." This gives the grand achievement of learning new things thanks to the not-so-fun incident. What're you gonna do eh? "A feller much wiser than m'self once said, 'Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats you.'"

Respected Lacrosse Player Goes Crazy
Known to the website as "the guy who beat Kyle for Homecoming King," Chris Reilly was seen hunting squirrels from my window yesterday. Doctors are concerned for Reilly, who chases the critters with a camera in order to snap a picture of them in their natural habitat. Here we see the man himself lurking and circling on an unsuspecting victim. Who will win this battle of man vs. nature? We can only suspect, but I'm sure it will be a fight worth seeing.

King's College: Success or Bust
Bust. Heheh-- bust... anyway, the college has made a gravely bad investment in the new college court, which does look nice when it's dry. This poor judgment has called into question all costs around campus (also bear in mind that this is all speculative evidence). While the college says internet bandwidth is the reason we had to axe most of the cleaning lady staff, I think it was this was more due to the court, but that's just me. I also think it is to blame in the college's moronic move in purchasing single-ply toilet paper, which is a complaint that has been done to death, but the budget cuts take a terrible turn with the incomparable annoyance of single ply paper towels. Now you can imagine how angry I get in the bathroom when I go to pull a paper towel out of the dispenser and little nubs rip off into my hand. The wetness, coupled with the cheapness of the towels, makes for an interesting heart rate acceleration. Until you find me dead on the bathroom floor, you can keep hearing me yell at inanimate paper products.

People Hanging Out?!?!
It's Spring, for now, and people are starting to hangout in King's College's College Park (formerly called University Park for some reason). This is not too fun for Pete because I have to listen to people chat about whatever they want while I try to maintain my normal life. Do you know how hard it is to make a potato alarm clock with that kind of distraction?! I don't either. This really isn't much of a problem, but I suggest that these people keep their voices down while they play their games, that is unless they want an exposé on PetePhillipsOnline.

I Hate You: The Sysco Delivery Man
There's nothing better about Mondays in Luksic Hall than getting awakened by the giant silver Sysco delivery truck armed with only the most incompetent driver. This picture, taken from my window, which displays the closeness of the problem, was clocked at 7:08 AM yesterday, when I picked up my megaphone and yelled at the driver, who couldn't hear me over his tremendously booming engine, which he leaves idling for the entire half-hour it takes him to unload the truck of food supplies or whatever the hell he has in there, I don't care what it is because I think you're an asshole anyway.