Alexa walks (Cathy too, right)

Her eyes are bright with excitement and her smile is filled with glee. Alexa Beretski was like any other young professional in her twenties, with a life of success right around the corner. She was filled with hopes and dreams of being a Physician's Assistant in a far off land filled with sun and not many medical emergencies to attend to, as to maintain a nice tan. But all those dreams came to a screeching halt when Beretski was stripped of her Ms. Wheelchair PA crown last Monday.

The de-crowning came after a heated debate surrounding Beretski's ability to walk. The complaint, filed with the Ms. Wheelchair PA Competition by card-carrying disabled person Pete Phillips, sent waves through the community. Beretski, three-time crown winner in the past three years, was also shocked that her friend would betray her so. The complaint was detailed and read, "Dude, I'm just saying, she can walk. Let her keep the crown and all, if you want. I mean sure, she looks good in a wheelchair, but so would Ashley Judd if she sat in one."

Beretski's camp called a press conference on Wednesday afternoon to address the complaint. "We are downright disgusted by the accusations brought about by Mr. Phillips," said Representative Cathy Sylvernal. The conference also contained a few words from the accused, Beretski, "Pete is upset about being physically disabled, and I can help him through that if he needs me. I just don't understand why he is lashing out like this. There was no stipulation in the rules that said you can't ride a wheelchair recreationally. That's what I do. Sometimes you want to walk, sometimes you want a ride. What can I say?"

Phillips was on the other side of the fence though. "Alexa is a fine woman and a good friend, but I can't believe she'd exploit a wheelchair for this purpose."

A post-conference Q & A with Beretski revealed her true reason for running competing for the spot in the first place. "Look, I deserve a prize for just being me. I work my butt off in school and work at a restaurant that looks like it came right out of a germaphobic future world. I need a break once in a while. Something to look at that reminds me that I get something out of this deal called life. And if it's a Ms. Wheelchair PA trophy, then damnit-- I'll take it!"

Phillips was immediately taken back by the statements at his press conference, held in the back of the room Beretski had hers in, to make it easy for the Press and all, "This is all luda' homes. I just don't know why anyone would even consider Alexa for the position as Ms. Wheelchair PA. She has a gym membership, and she runs for exercise, and WALKS for short-term transportation. I mean come on. If they change the name of the competition to Best Woman in a Recreational Wheelchair PA, then maybe Alexa could win, but I have a feeling more women would enter if they thought the rules were that lax."

The arguments were fierce, and there seemed to be no clear compromise in the near future. President of the local chapter of Ms. Wheelchair PA, Lloyd Spokes, had this to say, "Based on the current rules, we cannot strip Alexa Beretski of her crown as Ms. Wheelchair PA. We will be submitting a letter to her legal team to ask her to attempt to not run as much, but that will be up to her side of the issue. We will also re-evaluate the rules for next year so that they state the entries must be legally handicapped."

Beretski replied, "Ha!" and jumped in the air with excitement.

Phillips assured her that her win came with a cost, "You can't get four years in a row. God forbid any terrible accidents, you won't qualify. The disabled will have their day!"

Then, the mudslinging started. In an argument the likes of which this reporter has never seen, Phillips and Beretski engaged in a sadly heated exchange of attempts at clever comebacks.

"Pete's just jealous because there's no Mr. Wheelchair PA."

"Oh yeah, well I'm not, because I'm from New Jersey anyway!"

"Well good, go back to Jersey, smelly."

"I wouldn't be calling names, you're pursuing a career that has the same initials as this redneck state-- barring all areas of Philadelphia and the Amish."

"Well you're pursuing a career in stupid stuff!"

"Hey, remember that time I spilled ice cream in your mom's car?"

"Yeah, that was pretty funny. You gotta love Jitty Joe's."

"Darn right."

And then peace came through the cloud of verbal abuse. In the end, declaring a winner would just be worthless. When Beretski and Phillips hugged to make up, tears came to the eyes of most attendees that could still see in the midst of the innumerable flashes from cameras. This reporter was pretty turned off by the whole thing. I mean, you remember what she did to those kids just sitting in her break spot right? And that cat from way back when? Let's just say Pete was one lucky duck that day. Lucky duck indeed. Duck.