Pete Phillips Fan Camp-- Revamped!
By: Pete Phillips
April 3, 2003
10:38 AM

here's a happy camper now!  what's your name lil' guy?

A few changes to Pete Phillips Fan Camp will have to be implemented for the upcoming summer season. For one, I'm sorry to say that it won't be taking place in my hometown of Pomona, NJ. For the summer I'll be staying in the ol' "city" of Wilkes-Barre. What does this mean for you? Well, if you want to come to camp or send your kid, then you'll have to find a place to stay. 

Also, instead of teaching kids how to mow grass and balance my bank account, I'll have to put ahead the following program:

How to Kick Kids' Asses
Instructor: Gregory A. Kirschner
Greg will be available to teach you or your child how to defend yourself in times of danger. I'm almost positive that what he teaches you will transfer over to "How to Kick Adults' Asses," a future program that is still in development. 

History: American and Beyond
Instructor: Gregory Y. Kirschner, Joe Baldasare, History Channel
This will be what modern times call a "distance learning class." So why two teachers? Well the way it works is that you or your children will watch hours of the history channel and enjoy the color commentary and side arguments of Greg & Joe. This will be distracting, sure, but also amazingly informative. 

Miscellaneous Crap
Instructor: Pete Phillips
Whoo! It's my class! Ok, I'll highlight what music you should be listening to. I may touch on what makes funny things funny, a little study on stand-up comedy, and movie days will be required. All movies will be Sci-Fi Channel favorites like "Route 666," "Retroactive," Creeps," and both "Cubes." 

joe's reaction if you do  bad in his class

Special Time with Joe
Instructor: Joe Baldasare
Taught by Joe, this class will help you with almost everything you need. Joe will teach his special moves on the ladies, the basics of lacrosse, a little military training, and more help with women. Joe is undoubtedly a master of the art of female seduction, so this class will be an asset for anyone trying to "make it."

Science and Health
Instructor: Alexa Beretski 
In this class you'll learn how to respond to emergencies (but you'll get no certificates that say that you're certified to handle real emergencies), anything you want to know about science, and how to keep yourself in tip-top shape. Sure this class will be boring, but Alexa's fun-- not to mention it's important to cater to kids like her who only like science and could care les about everything else mentioned already. Alexa doesn't know she's teaching this class, so she hasn't turned in her lesson plans, more information to come when she does.

The Ice Cream and Candy Class
Instructor: Pete Phillips
This is the counter-class to Alexa's (see above). It will help corrupt everyone who made it through Science and Health. 

c'mon... it's a cute hairdo

Fashion for Kids, Dance, and More
Instructor: Karen Petrosky
Karen already teaches Dance, so this will be a piece of cake for her. You'll learn the basics of dance (up to an eight-year-old level) and how to dress babies. While Karen isn't experienced in dressing babies, she has plenty of ideas, so bring your babies because she's got some great ideas, like that Pebbles-(from the Finstones)-hairdo. In addition, you'll pick up some Spanish, business skills, and educational concepts, they're complimentary.

Staring with Pat
Instructor: Patrick O'Connor
Watch Patrick stare at you. This class will last as long as you want.

Live It Up Lame-o
Instructor: Amy Fedele
Amy Fedele will teach more finer things in life (Kyle's class is a prerequisite, unless I sign you in... go my authority!), like art class, graphic design, and more. She'll also show you how to party with the best of them. Teaching assistants Kyle Mazza and Allie Whatever-her-last-name-is will make sure you get back home after a fun night with Amy. Nerf basketball classes will also be in order for you to better your skills, or at least be humbled by Amy's hot-hot-hoop-skills.

So that's the list for the summer offerings for Pete Phillips Camp 2003. Feel free to ask any questions about anything and be sure to get your application in ASAP. And remember attractive 20-year-old women are encouraged to apply. No guarantees on acceptance, of course, but we'll see.