note the similarities.. astonishing!

I've finally reached the conclusion that if I dated Cameron Diaz, I just might hang myself. After seeing a report that she fell down a couple weeks ago and smacked her head on a drawer, I started to ponder if I, like Justin Timberlake, would bother going to check on her. Perhaps I would just get a carpet, cinder block, and some rope.

As the story goes, Timberlake and Diaz--who I had no idea were an item, OMG!!! (if you don't see me mocking in there, then leave this site immediately and never return)--had just returned from South Africa on some hippie Earth trip, no doubt. Diaz was allegedly putting away her camping equipment on top (?) of a wardrobe. She fell, boom, blood, then Justin Timberlake came to her rescue, "frantic with worry."

I think we both know why Timberlake was so worried. If Diaz didn't survive, he would've been the prime suspect in her murder, which would have made him a media darling and made his career essentially over, a la OJ, Robert Blake, etc. I would've thought that could've been a great trial, but no dice. Of course if I was in charge, I would've been brought up on charges because I would actually go through the trouble of disposing of the body.

Why would I do such a thing in light of an accident? Well, it's true that I would be accused of murder, and in order to combat that from the get-go, I would have to start methodically taking care of things. A packed bag and plane ticket later, we would've had a great story of her leaving me. Because, ladies and gentlemen, I would've built up such resentment over the course of our relationship, that I would probably take great pleasure in Ditching Diaz (the title of my future tell-all book).

To sum things up, I can't stand Cameron Diaz being such a goofy creature. I think if you had to compare her to a cartoon, it would have to be Goofy-- that is if you were going to bother, since she's practically a real-life cartoon. Who else would fall off a dresser? And let me add, that wouldn't've happened if I was Dating Diaz (the TV movie) because I would've helped her put her stuff away. But let me continue my parallels between Goofy and Diaz: 1) Tall and lanky, almost malnourished; 2) Big dumb smile to hide the emptiness on the inside; 3) A big stupid laugh that some people think is cute, and some people think is Satan's death-cry for babies; 4) Willingness to do physical humor; 5) Big, strong cheekbones; 6) Doofy smiles; 7) Similar styles in best-remembered hair; 8) Script selection (see similarities between A Goofy Movie and The Sweetest Thing); and we'll stop there, but only to be nice.

For the above reasons, and several more, I would take part in the disposal of Cameron Diaz's body. And you remember Very Bad Things and Last Supper. She was all about killing people in them, so c'mon. Bad karma. And I think the movie world would clean up after that. A chunk of bad movies would be right out the window because no one would write roles "for" her anymore. And then, I promise all of you, I would date Brittany Murphy--but not Paris Hilton, because the world needs rich skanks, and she's pretty ugly for me.