Look to the Stars-- in Print
By: Pete Phillips
March 27, 2003
8:41 AM

reading horoscopes won't get you cool accents, but if you're inclined to lose $5 a minute, call the bankrupt miss cleo and reverse the charges... she's lonely

Oh yes, everybody knows about the daily horoscopes that are often found in the newspaper in the same vicinity as the comics, crossword puzzle, and TV listings, but does anyone really believe that they're likely to "come true?" I'm a firm believer in the fact that a horoscope will have no purpose unless you're looking for direction so badly that you're checking what the paper says next to Family Circle (America's favorite Aryan wannabes). Direction-less and full of confusion, I often check the horoscope out in order to give me some frame of reference on the day. There are some criteria that the "reading" must contain in order for me to read though:

1. It's got to be followed by a happy face or be more than 3 out of 5 stars on their rating system
2. It can't mention love because that only brings the mood down
3. It can't say anything about "financial decisions" because I figure, if this newspaper doesn't know that I'm broke, then why should I believe it for the rest of my day?

With that said, I encourage you to check your horoscope daily, and if it sucks in one newspaper (or website), check another. For example...

Yahoo.com led me to the following horoscope that really baffles me:
"Short trips in your neighborhood may be rendered nearly impossible today by factors above and beyond your control, such as traffic, construction, or both, dear Pisces. If you have errands to run, put them off. Or if you can, walk or ride a bicycle to run them. If you must go in the car, however, make sure you have your favorite music with you so you can do something while waiting in traffic. Otherwise you'll go crazy with boredom."
Ok, first, they call me "dear Pisces." Second of all, no crap-- Wilkes-Barre's always full of holes, that's why my car makes such funny noises now, W-B potholes messed up the back wheels already. And I walk more than drive most of the time anyway. Still, assuming every other horoscope today sucks, I'll have this one to come back to and thereby draw the ultimate conclusion that today will be as confusing as this prediction.

Horoscope.com helps prioritize your life by offering quotes that help (at least today) in getting your s--t together. Today's reading for me:
"Your main concern should be about work and getting ahead. You will get the attention of those in a position to help you. Your insight will enable you to make good choices."
Thank you! I do have some work to get done, so maybe I'll get on that ASAP now and tell everyone else to go away. I won't though, just so you know. Still, I see that this type of "reading" can hold true everyday, so I find horoscope.com to be pretty useless. I can search for inspirational quotes or tips on success if I need to. 

I'm a Pisces and I'm okay,  I sleep all night and  I work all day (image: blender.com)

But that's not all-- horoscope.com can predict the future too:
"Don't allow anyone to meddle in your private affairs. If you share your personal dilemmas with others you can expect gossip to result. Situations are not as they appear and for the time being you should probably remain quiet."
Yes, this succeeds in making me paranoid. So which one of you bastards is talkin' about me, huh? Well keep it up, it makes me feel important. Really though, this is the most believable horoscope today, even if it's for tomorrow, because I have a current situation that may not be as it appears-- don't think I'm telling you about it you gossip-mongers.

AOL.com works with astrology.com in order to bring yet another take on my day:
"Get ready for an interesting day as the Stars fill your daydreams with raw invention and uncharted new worlds. You have the imagination to spin gold from this straw. Your visions would make a great game if you could download them. Fantastic images and colors find their way into your field of vision everywhere you go. Take some time to write all of your thoughts and ideas down before they vanish into thin air. You'll want to remember this day for many years to come."
So this is the nerdiest and most mainstream day I could imagine. I guess that's what you get with AOL though, with a zillion customers they have to deal in vagueness and nerdiness. True, many thoughts are lost in thin air, but what isn't when the air's thin (insert high-hat here). Another one to add to the criteria: if the word download is in it, I promise it's gonna be awful.

So that's all for me. What kind of day did I have? Well I'm always hoping for a good one, but since it's 8:30 AM right now, I can't be sure what will come my way later on. I do know I have no classes, but I'm at work now, and I work tonight. So you should hope I have a good day and I'll do the same for you. Check your horoscopes if you need some direction in how to perceive your day and just enjoy it all around.