is that a command? your ass is telling me to dance? if i listen to your ass now, at whose ass does the madness stop? will I have to listen to asses all my life? (hey, tell me that analogy's not deep)

The season is among us now! At some time on March 20, 2003, spring sprung ahead and fall, which had fallen away months ago, had winter land on him. Seriously though, you can't do the "fall back" "spring forward" and snub winter and summer. "Simmer in summer" and "Freeze to a frosty death in winter"-- yeah, they work. Use them. Back to the point of this though. Spring is here and many dudes are happy. For some reason, as Joe Baldasare or Scott Carroll once said, "Girls look better when they have less clothes on." If it wasn't Joe, I'm sure he'll stand by that statement anyway. Moving along, yet again though... 

I trust the women I know not to get too carried away with the fact that it gets warm and less clothes means you stay cooler. From a normal person's standpoint, if you're wearing a bra and a thong, that is in fact getting carried away (just so we have a frame of reference here). There is another cardinal sin of Spring Fashion though, and many of you have waited a long time for me to address it. Your day has come:

I'm no friggin' fashion genius, I know that. I get pissed because no one makes cargo pants for fat kids anymore and I have to settle for a cell phone pocket. My damn wallet won't fit in a cell phone pocket... ass. Speaking of ass WHAT THE #$%@ IS WITH THOSE DAMN SHORTS WITH WORDS ON THE ASS?! As I've found out in research, these shorts are called "butt shorts." Okay, that should be enough for you NOT to buy these. Whether "butt shorts" doesn't sound as blatantly ridiculous to you as it does to me, just think about it... if you're getting shorts that miss the butt, then you're so getting ripped off. "Butt shorts" is redundant and completely unnecessary, instead, they should be (and will be by me) called "shorts with words on the ass." 

The worst form of these "bottoms" are the ones that say "princess," "angel," "naughty," and "lifeguard." Assuming you are, in fact, a princess or angel, why would you feel the need to use your ass as a billboard to broadcast this fact? And anyway, I know you're not an angel because buying these shorts is a sin against humanity. And a freakin' princess will buy better clothes. Wear a damn tiara if you want me to believe you're a princess... that would work, ass shorts won't. I don't go around checking people's asses for their professions. Not to mention that shorts with words on the ass promote two things:  1. Labels for people (but what doesn't do that these days, right?) and 2. Humanity's movement closer to becoming like dogs. What other animal checks the ass to see if someone's cool? And yes, the lifeguard ones are bad too. It's like having the "Registered Nurse" license plate on your car. People only care when they see you leaving an ongoing emergency. 

The only permissible words to be on the ass is "ass" or "i'm with stupid," but nobody's wearing those. The ones that are worn and least annoying are "sexy" or "hottie." These do suck, I know, but they suck the least because "sexy" and "ass" can go together for some people. I mean the ass is some people's zone and for them, these shorts can help out a lot. Then again, the label is up to the one who bought them. I could walk around with "sexy" ass shorts, but that doesn't make my ass more sexy, it just makes me a liar, like so many people out these these days. Why not write "poo" or "fart" on these shorts? Oh, does that deter from "sexy" and "hottie?" My bad. 

I find the funniest shorts are those with school names on them. "King's College" ass shorts for example, which I couldn't find someone to model for the sole purpose of being featured in this article, show how much someone loves this school. I mean the emotional commitment to say, "I will do everything ass-related with my school's name worn proudly," means a whole lot. If you own these types of shorts, you should print the following affirmation and read it on days when you wear them:

"I promise to do everything ass-related today with the name of my school worn proudly. Every fart will go through my school, every eye will be on my school, and sleazy guys will lust to slap my school. I will sit on my school, thereby showing it the highest respect and glory. The school will be what I check in the mirror, and the school will only come off in the bathroom or the bedroom. I will wear my school's name proudly, with the utmost respect and love, on my ass, for this, and many more days."

the answer to "what's mroe annoying than shorts with words on the ass?" yes, they come in tie-dye. these were found in a time capsule buried by communists in the '60's

Okay, with that out of the way, let's address the real problem. Who in God's holy name is manufacturing these things? I mean c'mon. I wanna shake the hand of the man (oh you know it was a dude) who developed this idea, that way I can pull him close and smack him upside his head. I think that these shorts demean women to a degree that is helping contribute to the sexification of America. Oh sexification isn't bad, I don't wanna get all my male visitors mad at me, but sexification must be controlled or else you have some stretched out "hotties" on people's asses. Now I realize that was disrespectful, but I hope some of you laughed. Anyway though, listen... if you're a woman visiting this site, I'm sure I know you and hold you in the highest regard, but don't wear these shorts if you have them. Homeless people need shorts, and they are "sexy" too, so let them have the shorts. What I mean to say is burn them, because I don't even want homeless people wearing these things.

There's no way to end this article smoothly. I thank you if you made it this far. What I want to say is that these shorts are the worst marketing ploy ever. The best thing you can write on your ass is "If you can read this, you're too close," or "This is my ass." These phrases help identify and defend your ass, something that you may very well need in your daily life. I don't want you degrading your ass, ok? The ass is an important temple that shouldn't be misrepresented. You should treat it with respect and honor. Hold it highest above all things. If you want to put "princess" on something, put it on your brain, nobody cares about that anyway (end satire).