Many people out there are trying to keep an eye on their weight. In response, many companies have released lines of products that are "better" for the consumer. These range from low carb stuff to that Subway bastard, Jared, who puts down Chicken Selects in favor of some sandwich. Many of you may have seen the commercials about General Mills turning to more whole grain in their products. Weeks earlier, the company also released a new string of sister cereals to old favorites like Lucky Charms, Trix, and Cheerios.

Another victim in this mess was the classic Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC for the rest of this piece). In order to build a healthier childhood lifestyle, it seems that General Mills has released whole grain CTC with 75% less sugar. I was shocked to see it in existence, but not so shocked to see it at he dollar store. Like many Americans I looked and thought, "Well... it's only a dollar."

You might be surprised to see the list of directions on the back of the box that offer two options in how to eat their cereal.

Doppelganger: Evil Wendell

Option one:
Open box top
Gently pull apart top of bag
Pour cereal into bowl
Add milk
Eat

or

Option two:
Open box top
Gently pull out bag and discard
Shred box
Pour box shreds into bowl
Add milk
Eat

What really makes you hate this concoction of health craziness is that it looks like the normal box of cereal. Aside from the clear markings of 75% less sugar and whole grain, there is no difference. I mean that they left the CTC identity on a product that tastes nothing like CTC. They should've made it a whole new cereal, because it's just that. The design on the squares is even more brown than the classic CTC-- and gone is the sparkle of cinnamon sugar on every bite.

I propose, that with a new cereal, comes a new spokesman. Evil Wendell is the only appropriate person for the job too. Just as the cereal is some crazy Doppelganger to the original CTC, this TCTC (Tasteless Cinnamon Toast Crunch), should have a crazy Doppelganger spokesman. Only logical, right?

And the whole "Taste you can see" slogan is right out the window! What happened to CTC ladies and gentlemen? May I suggest that healthy alternatives are not always healthy to your taste buds? I have personally reached a point that I am so sick of tasting the same foods that I am ready for a tasteless diet. I've finished with a birthday binge of Little Caesar's and ice cream cake. Once you have a day like that you just move on to greens and grains because there's no more to enjoy. You could repeat the day over and over, but then you'd die in a week or two.

And what about Cinnamon Toast Crunch? What can we do about that mess? Well you can still buy the old stuff, the Classic CTC, for $5.99 a box, and the crappy version at the dollar store. But I may suggest that you find a Wegman's and get their store-brand equivalent. Surely no other store brand has EVER perfected the CTC recipe more than ol' Wegman's. If you don't have a Wegman's, then get hunting for a new cereal. Damn you to bloody hell Wendell-- first French Toast Crunch, now this?!