Upon My Death...
By: Pete Phillips
March 20, 2003
3:38 PM

Donny who. . . who loved bowling.

So for the past few days I've been pretty depressed. In an effort to spare you bad articles, I haven't done as much updating as I could. Fear not though, I have found a way to channel the depression into an article for the website, and still maintain a humorous tone. I'll let you know what is a joke, but otherwise this will mostly be a serious article. 

So maybe it was finding out that people are mad at me and I didn't even know it (depression), maybe it was confusion as to where I'm living this summer (panic), maybe it was school (stress), maybe it was indigestion (food), but the other night I was having severe chest pains and decided that I should start to outline my funeral plans in an unofficial forum that I think my loved ones should respect. I hope the money is in place so that they can follow the directions. These are serious, but I think they reflect the lack of seriousness I took on life in general, so here we go:

1. Music- While I don't have all the choices for my funeral picked out, I do know that at some point I absolutely want to have Puff Daddy and the Family's "I'll Be Missing You." Anyone whose crying will stop at this song, so that'll help set the stage. Maybe Matthew Sweet's "Smog Moon" would be a good one too... I don't know.

2. Entertainment- Gregory I. Kirschner will present a multimedia presentation that will feature interviews with people who I've known over the years. I would say to make this an open casting call, but Greg may have to be selective when he's in the editing room.

3. Seating- Will be plush and stadium like. I take my seating seriously, so you'll receive the utmost comfort.

4. Food- Chicken fingers will be served at the post party-- yes it will be called a post party, not a wake, got that?

"Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show I laced the track, you locked the flow"

5. If I die in a Holy Cross shower stall I will be burned immediately so not to spread any vicious diseases that can be found on the floors. Otherwise I'd like to be cremated and put in a coffee can so no one loses sight of the Big Lebowski.

6. The sash across my coffin won't say brother, son, or genius. It will say "Bling-Bling!" or "Sexy Pete."

7. Don't give me flowers, donate the money to Cancer Research... something more important than me.

8. Gregory F. Kirschner will get my Andrew WK CD and any other ones he wants at the moment. Kyle gets next dibs for whatever ska or ben folds I have, then he can pass it to whoever until it's gone. My movies can follow the same route, but let my sister pick first.

That's all I have for now. I don't know if the stadium seating will work out, but if not, just don't use those metal folding chairs. Everybody's invited, and I don't want anyone to feel like they shouldn't come because you knew me, so don't be such an ass. My dog'll be there, you can meet her. So I'm not hoping for death, but if it may happen, please respect the above wishes.